Am I crazy? My fiancé broke up our engagement because I adopted a baby?

My fiancé and I have been engaged for 9
Months now. We were supposed to have our wedding in 4 months. A few weeks ago my best friend and her husband passed away in a horrific car accident. The baby was in the care of her sister. A day after the accident I got a call from court asking me to come in. I came in and they told me that my best friend and her husband listed me in the will to take care of the baby if anything happened to them. My best friends sister did not want the baby. Gave it to the cops basically. I went to hospital to see the baby. The cops had the baby checked. I called my fiancé and he came as well. As soon as he came into the room he just said "it's me or the baby" I told him I wanted to talk about it, get his thoughts on this. I wanted to have a normal conversation. And he said he's not talking and it's either him or the baby.
So I got up, took my ring off, put it in his hand, and said I want the baby.
He slammed the door in the room and left.
His parents have been blowing up my phone going crazy. Telling me I ruined his life and I'm ruining mine too. I'm 22. And he's 25.
I am financially stable to raise a baby for those of you that are wondering. I own a trucking business. And my ex fiancé was a nurse at a hospital.
I took that baby because I loved it. I was her god mother too. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I'm living the good life while that child is in foster care. To me it seemed wrong. Am I going crazy?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I can see both sides here. Your ex wanted a life with YOU, and may or may not have ever wanted children, but if he did want them, it might have been years down the road, after he'd had plenty of time to build a life and married relationship with you, and be a COUPLE for a while. In that case, the last thing he wanted was an "instant family", and for there to be a third party (the baby) that would occupy most of your time. All of that is very understandable. There's also the issue that he would be financially responsible for this child, even if you divorced some day (yes, that happens).

    Now, of course I see your side as well. You didn't ask for this situation, but it happened, and you stepped up.

    The real issue here is that you guys simply didn't want the same things in life, which means you never had long-term compatibility in the first place. You'd be surprised (or maybe not) at how many people get engaged and have never even discussed big life choices like this (children, religion, finances, careers, etc.). This revealed the truth, but the truth was always there. Be happy you figured it out now, before the wedding.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • l am so very sorry, @surfing_life_54 for the horiffic and umtimely death of your loved ones. However, you committed yourself to Them and Now to the memory With... I want the baby.
    It's quite obvious here, dear, your fiance wants no part of the blessed event and that he is not ready nor raring to raise a baby that is not yours nor his, no matter if you were a millionaire over and over again.
    You made your choice and He made his. It doesn't look like you both will be going to that alter any time soon. Any bond you both had, this new bough has broken the vow now and the cradle has Now fallen into your lap.
    You certainly have a heart of gold to take on this Big responsibility, and in doing so, when you had signed on, you signed on for life. I also believe that you both may love one another, but Not unconditionally enough to Compromise and to have some definite decision Made... So now this bed has been made and you chose to lie in it without him and him without you.
    Even if he would be convinced to take on the headaches and the heartaches with the joy for the little girl or boy, he never ever would be the kind of true daddy, instead a dead beat dad, and his parents as well, would always have their sour ball and hands in the cookie jar.
    Good luck and my blessings. xx

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 25

  • No you're not going crazy at all, it's the people around you that are. I seriously solute you for doing the right thing, no matter how wrong everything else is going. I'm sorry to say, but your ex fiancé is a selfish jerk and you deserve better since you're a good person. Seriously, I can't praise you enough for what you're doing for this baby!!

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    • I hope her parents will be proud of me. I hope I raise this baby right. I pray that I give her all the love she needs. Even if it's without him
      That baby is more important than he is

  • My God; what a mess...

    Look at this from his POV: He is overwhelmed with this sudden news and not happy about being blindsided with this, so he wants more than anything in the midst of all this chaos for you to confirm your commitment to him first and foremost. He was bewildered over your anxiousness to take on the baby of your friend so eagerly. This isn't family mind you– It's just your friend's child. Look I'm just going to go ahead and give you the cold hard truth; us males who aren't fathers already absolutely loathe the idea of raising another man's child. Believe me I know: I dated 3 girls who were mothers and I never warmed up to those kids. It's just counter to the male nature. Just look at the animal kingdom; the first thing a new lion or silverback gorilla will do when taking over as the new dominant male of a pride or troop is kill all the offspring of the previous male. I mean, we're just not hardwired that way to accept raising another man's child, regardless of the horrible conditions that brought this on. When he came to the hospital and gave you the ultimatum of him or the baby, you should have told him, "Look, don't be ridiculous. I will always be committed to you first and foremost. I know this is a lot to process but I'm not going to lose you. I hate what this poor baby is going through and I feel compelled to help. But I will never love him more than you. I'm not going to play your games or give you an answer tonight. We are going to talk about this, believe me. I didn't want this either." That's what he was wanting to hear that night from you. When you gave him his ring back he was shattered over you choosing this baby you barely know & lack an emotional attachment to over him. Had you said that he would have stuck around to have that long discussion about what to do next. All he was looking for was for you tell him he'll always be your true love and he will always be your #1 priority.

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    • You seem to have no concept of what a godparent is. This lady talked with the parents about being the godparent long ago. Being a godparent means accepting the responsibility of the religious education of that child in case of the parents no longer being able to. It does not automatically imply adoption, but often does move to that. And she has likely spent much time with this child and has an emotional attachment already. It is not just some strange baby.

      And she did tell him that she wanted to talk about it. But he said he would not talk about it and she had to make that choice, him or the baby, and there would be no talk. Given that, she accepted the responsibility she had made long before and it was his refusal to talk that forced her to decide to terminate the engagement then.

  • It doesn't make sense that you were listed as the next potential caregiver of this child. Did you agree to this arrangement? No parent would voluntarily sign their baby over to another person in the event of their death, unless both parties agreed to it and were aware of it. That's usually why people are designated a baby's Godmother or Godfather.

    I don't blame your fiancée for leaving. I would probably do the same. Biologically, there is no benefit to him staying and a child with no genetic link to himself. For someone to suddenly dump a baby into his relationship and expect him to take care of the child is a little overboard. He never signed up for this, and frankly, if this happened, there's almost nothing you can do - short of giving up the baby - to make me stay.

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    • I was the god mother and he knew. Never in a million years did I think that me as the god mother would have to step in. Things happen in life. What can I say? I don't blame him for leaving. He had a right to. What he never had the right to is tell me to dump that baby in foster care after I gave him the ring back and told him it was over. Also his parents don't have the right to tell me what to do with my child now since their son and I are over. Also... I don't think I'm the only one who would do that for a baby. Only a heartless coward wouldn't take the baby in. It's not like the kids parents planned to die. Things happen in life. I never asked him to be financially responsible for the baby. I can take care of her myself. But in all honesty I'm glad he's gone. I don't want a selfish pig as a husband.
      God forbid something happen to you one day... And your wife... What would you want to happen to your kid.
      I hope that never happens to you... Just something to think about.

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    • meowcow
      If the genetic link becomes more important than his fiancee that guy has some deep issue in my opinion

  • Amazing that her own sister would so quickly "toss" the baby to the police. Terrible. But you did the absolute right thing. It was not an instantaneous choice, but one that you had decided when you accepted being her godmother. You certainly did not expect it to happen, but you knew that in case of their death that you would be the one to step up.

    I understand your fiancé having trouble with the sudden surprise, but to give you an ultimatum without a discussion shows what your life would have been like if you had married him. It is lucky for you that this happened before you married.

    His parents are understandably unhappy, but calling you for the only purpose of giving you grief is reprehensible. If they do not stop that, block them. Get them out of your life.

    You are a wonderful person and I wish the best for you.

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  • Dude cares so much about you he wouldn't even sit down and talk things through? Sounds like he's an emotionally unstable, immature guy that probably isn't ready for marriage either.

    Life is unpredictable. It's tough to try to definitively say whether you made the "right" or "wrong" decision but what seems clear is you made the decision that you felt was the best option given the difficult circumstances, and I commend you for that and wish you the best of luck with everything. I'd suggest seeking out other people close to you, so that you have a support network... you have a lot going on right now and even in a best case scenario it's going to be very stressful and difficult.

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    • It will be hard and it is hard. Some night after I put her to sleep. I cry. It honestly sucks this happened but she should have to live in foster care while I'm living my life.

  • You were right to keep the baby. The child needs a home. Sometimes life doesn't give you what you want and you have to make due with what you have. You learned that your now ex fiance is not the person you want around when life doesn't give you what you want.

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  • He knew just from you even going to the hospital that you'd pick the baby and try to browbeat him into agreeing, so he cut to the chase.

    This is for the best. The child has enough problems without being brought up in a household with someone who was not ready to be a parent and would resent it every second of every day.

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  • This the most despicable crap I have ever read. Your best friend and her husband dies, having listed you to take care of the baby in their will. Your fiancé wants to leave you if you want to care for the baby, completely ignoring your emotions, wanting to be your loving husband. After choosing to care for the baby, his parents begin bombarding you with psychological techniques to lessen your self-worth.

    Yes you are going crazy, on their behalf. Cut all relations with him and his parents immediately. Don't let them get to you, they have hostile intentions now.

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  • No, you made the right choice. I can't believe how selfish your ex is being about this. I have 2 step children and I'm glad to have them in my life. A baby has no control over its situation, and it was a kind, gentle, and correct thing to do. Good on you.

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  • I dont think you are crazy. If I were your fiancé, I would have stuck by your side. I think the problem in this situation lies with him not you. Im 100% with you on this one

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  • No it is not wrong. But your ex- finance don't want a adopted child. He want to have child after your wedding only. If you have child he might think that it might be trouble his sex life. He cannot have proper sex. So only he shouted on angry with the child.

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  • If he legitimately refuses to talk about it with you forget about him. They were your best friends and that was their child and he should've at least respected you enough to sit down and have the discussion. If that's how he handles things it's probably for the best.

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    • I didn't want him to say yes ok well do it. We'll raise the kid. I just wanted to talk about it. If he respected me he would have

  • You made the right choice. Shit happens in life and you can either be an adult and accept the person you love or you can be a child and fuck it all up. He is still a child. There will be a man who will absolutely love you, the notion of what you are doing and this child also. My hat is off to you. I wish you all the best.

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  • I can see both sides, but the way he handled it was just terrible. I don't blame you for taking his ultimatum and telling him to shove it.

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  • Your ex- finance clearly isn't ready to be a dad. Thus he isn't (yet?) marriage material.
    Is he then really the guy you want? There are many fish in the sea.

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    • After that whole thing happened. I don't want him at all.

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    • Adoptive parents CHOOSE to adopt, usually because they cannot have children themselves. I have 2 adopted cousins in my family for that very reason. However, that's irrelevant here.

      The situation in the original question is a much different. The ex-fiancée is being tossed a stranger's baby and expected to care for it? A visit to the orphanage will show that hundreds of thousands of children who lose their parents will not get scooped up and taken care of by a passing strange. Few people would put their hard earned work, money and effort to raising a child that's not biologically related unless they had no other choice - such as adoptive or gay parents.

    • @meowcow --As soon as he came into the room he just said "it's me or the baby"-- doesn't sound like someone willing to even dicuss a problem with his SO. It sounds like hating babies or that special baby. :-o

  • no you are not crazy, he is being unreasonable

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  • If I were in your situation... I would have done the same, you did the right thing... don't let anyone tell you otherwise. As for your boyfriend, I don't know... I think you will be better without him. I mean, what kind of person is willing to leave a helpless child simply for his own selfish desires? and the same applies to the sister. Also, I don't understand why the fuck are his parents calling you and telling you what to do... it's not their place, and you should tell the stfu.

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  • You did what you thought was right. At least the child will have a mother who actually cares. But I understand your ex-fiancé too. Neither one of you are in the wrong. You'll just have to let him go.

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  • will you be the one financially supporting this 25 yr sentence?

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  • dude sounds like a real jerk.

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  • He is a childish coward. EOS. You are a saint!

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  • Fuck that guy. You're doing a good thing.

    You offered to discuss it, then he acted like a tyrant with an ultimatum. Got the response he deserved.

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  • I'm not sure either of you are crazy.

    I think it's a shame he's not even discussing it. His lack of talking is a red flag.

    Good luck.

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  • You CHOSE to adopt a kid. He CHOSE to leave

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    • I'm completely ok with him leaving. But why is his family trying to tell me I made a mistake.

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    • They can take that opinion and shove it lol
      Sorry I'm not being mean to you its just annoying when you get 60 texts a day and 20 calls

    • Well, that's going a little overboard with the opinion but, you get the point, you chose to adopt, he chose to leave

  • What you did is essentially tell him that the baby was more important to you than he was, and apparently made the decision for both of you. I would have left your ass too.

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    • Well what can I say. I want the baby to have a chance at life instead of being thrown to foster care. If he's selfish that's fine... But I don't want a husband like that. What pisses me off... Is that his family is trying to dictate my life on weather or not I should have taken the baby

    • Keep in mind that you essentially tried to dictate his (and theirs) as well. I'm not saying you did the wrong thing, but I wouldn't say he did either. I don't think either of you handled this well. If I put myself in his shoes, I don't think I would have stuck around either. Call me selfish, but that is a huge life decision that he appears to have had zero say in.

    • He would have had say in it if he was to talk to me. After he left the hospital I called him for 2 hours to come and talk. He didn't want to have a say in it.
      And I don't blame him at all for leaving. That's his choice. I'm completely ok with it. But his parents calling me and telling me that I'm retarded for keeping the kid... And telling me to throw it where it belongs in foster care... Yeah they should keep their opinion of what I'm doing. It has nothing to do with his son anymore... He made his choice when he left. They need to stop making decisions. For me.

What Girls Said 18

  • Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss first of all but so amazed that you had the courage to stand up for what's right to you. You honoured your best friend's wish and I'm sure she and her husband would be so happy to see their child be raised by you.

    The ultimatum was an unfair thing to do, he overreacted and was insensitive about it. He may not be ready to take on a child in his life, but discussing it further would have been the better thing to do. If possible, sit down with him and discuss this and how you feel. And let him explain how he feels.
    At least try to clear the air I suppose. By no means did you "ruin his life" nor are you ruining yours though!

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  • No! You stuck by the child and put their needs first. If your fiancé loves you, he should be able to see your reasons and talk to you about it. He gave you an ultimatum and it's his fault if he didn't like your answer.
    You've changed a child's life! You've also lost somebody you loved- he should be more thoughtful. Taking on a baby is a big deal, but clearly, you are able to cope and bring up this child well.
    I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry you had such selfish (future) in-laws.

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  • I sympathize with the ex fiancé. He wanted to share a life with you, and you didn't seem to be understanding on his wants and needs. He wasn't ready to be a father, yet you choose the baby over your marriage. I would be extremely pissed off too if my partner chose to adopt a baby without at least getting my side. I don't wish to have a child, and that is that. Plus, you gotta understand that you both were just preparing to get married. You took it way to fast to adopt the baby.

    You both wanted different things, and thank goodness you figured that out before getting married. I hope both of you find good-fitting partners down the line.

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  • A man who loved and respected you and was about to marry you shouldn't be acting that way. It would make me realise what a close call it was nearly marrying such a heartless, uncaring man.

    I don't even want to talk about it hypothetically but if my friend died and she had asked that I look after their child, there is no way I could say no. Never. That was their most precious thing in their lives and they want me to look after it. Not for all the marriage proposals in the world would I abandon that baby.

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  • Take this as an omen. It takes a lot of empathy and a compassionate person to take on the responsibility of raising their Godchild. Your ex-fiance couldn't place himself in your shoes or take into consideration the fate of your friend's baby. It is good to know how he would deal with overcoming hardships before you tied the knot so that you don't waste anymore time with him. A person is tested when he is faced with obstacles, how he deals with those obstacles reveals his true character. I am glad you accepted the baby into your life, and this post has taught me a lot about appreciating what I have and taking others into consideration when I make decisions.

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  • You did the right thing. I am sure you love this man, but if he's not willing to talk to you or even think about these things, he may not be someone you really want to spend your life with.

    You aren't crazy and you aren't ruining your life. If you feel you are the best parent for this child, then you will love it and care for it as if it were your own, and the love between you will be strong and powerful. I agree with what mooky said... what you did was amazing and brave.

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  • I think what you did was amazing and brave. I don't think you are going crazy at all whatsoever.

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  • I think you did the right thing. He was probably just shocked, but I applaud you for your instant thinking and bravery. A baby who would maybe be put into the foster system or god knows what or a fiance that doesn't support or have an open mind about a decision made by a capable woman. I would choose baby, and I don't even want kids.

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  • i can see how he wanted a life with a YOU and having a baby is a big step but the way he handled it was terrible. i told blame you for telling him to fuck off, you can not build a healthy relationship off an ultimatum. he clearly is not ready to be a father therefore he is not husband material.

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  • You are not going crazy, he's the one in the wrong.
    Did he expect you to turn your back on your best friend's baby?
    It's a beautiful thing you're doing, and if he cannot see that, not even willing to talk it through or even consider it, then I don't see why you should keep him in your life.

    Good luck to you and your new baby!

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  • He shouldn't have given you an ultimatum right off the bat. He didn't even try to sit down and talk it out. I would've done the same thing in your position. You didn't ruin his life, he did that himself.

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    • That's what hurt me. I don't mind that he chose to leave. But the fact that he didn't respect me even for a minute to sit and talk.

    • Yeah I understand. Like he was so quick to leave. It sucks. I have 8 godchildren myself and I wouldn't hesitate to step up.

  • umm... just what? is he seriously 25? like... i dont see whats the problem with adopting that kid... he has no heart or whatsoever...

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  • I think you made the right choice. If you were to not adopt the child then it would be taken to an orphanage right? I think being raised around someone familiar would be better than that.

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  • as much as i dont want kids myself, you did the right thing.
    It honestly sounds like he is jealous over the child, but if won't even talk about it. He is an idiot for loosing someone with a big heart

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  • whoa ur my new hero.. dont think of him ever again..

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  • Don't you want to marry a man with enough empathy and compassion to embrace an orphaned child with open arms?

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  • That should have been something you both discussed and agreed upon.
    So yeah I don't see why he was expected to simply just accept it.

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  • I don't know. It is a tough decision.

    He seems to still love you.

    And I can see why you picked the baby.

    I wouldn't want the baby to be in foster care either.

    ✌❤

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