What do you think of a boyfriend who does this?

We recently broke up, partly due to personality conflicts, and him not wanting to take responsibility for his part. When we had a two week break (he wanted space), he told me after the fact that he had met with his ex for lunch at his workplace. She also works there part time, and lives out of state with her boyfriend. This was part of the reason we would argue, I told him it made me uncomfortable and that he should be putting that focus on me and building our relationship. I told him if he was uncomfortable with me doing that I would never do it, out of respect for his feelings. I have no contact with any of my exes. He told me "Well that's the difference between you and me", that I was being "insecure and jealous".. I told him that attitude contradicts him telling me he cares about me and my feelings. Let me add that he was the type that didn't compromise, it was his way or no way, and always turned everything on me instead of admitting his screw ups and apologizing.

Was he being insensitive to meet up with his ex? Or should I have accepted his choice to be in touch with his her and trust him? Am I being unreasonable?
I know I stayed in this longer than I should have, but I do whatever it takes to work things out.
I have cut off all contact with him, by the way.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It doesn't matter whether other people think you are being reasonable or unreasonable. Most people are reasonable about most things but most people have areas where they are more sensitive than others. That is part of being human. When you are in a relationship, you should be respectful of your partner's sensitivities, regardless of whether they are reasonable or unreasonable, because you would want your partner to be sensitive to all of your needs, including the unreasonable needs.

    Develop the confidence to say "It doesn't matter what you or anyone else thinks about whether I am being reasonable. This is what I need and if you can't deliver it, you are not the one for me. Adios!"

    (If you really need to know. . . his behavior was very unreasonable, so much so that I think maybe he was trying to antagonize you into breaking up with him.)

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    • Thank you! I knew deep down that might be the case. Thank you for confirming my gut feeling. :)

    • Thanks for MHO. Develop that confidence; it is a very sexy quality in a lady!

    • Thank you for your help!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • It seems very insecure to say he can't have lunch with someone.

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    • Well, this was an ex girlfriend, and we were barely three months in. I'm not having lunch with any of my exes. Why do that when you should be focusing on your new partner?

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    • Has nothing to do with being insecure. Read OlderAndWiser's opinion. He gets it.

    • And he has the same right. you also didn't respect his feelings in it. You asked if it was wrong, I don't think it was.

  • Unless there was incident with his ex, you should've been ok with him doing that. A lot of times, we assume that our significant others see relationships the way we do. That's not the case. Some people are friends with their exs, some aren't. That line has to be established early in the relationship.

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    • It's the fact that he went against how it made me feel. His attitude was more like, You don't like it, tough. He put my feelings aside for his own selfish reasons.

  • Both of you are middle-aged?

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    • That's irrelevant.

    • Just asking, curious

What Girls Said 1

  • There just needs to be constant communication? It would depend, like why did they break up etc. And your reasoning behind it.. I wouldn't like it, but I'd rather he tell me than do it behind my back. At the end of the day I don't think people should even be friends with their ex's there's always going to be history, but if they do they better be a good friend and ONLY a friend.

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    • I agree. He knew it bothered me, it's a respect thing. Then he waited until his break with me to do that. From what he told me, she didn't talk to him for a year after they broke up. He initiated because he didn't like the fact that she didn't have a real job (she was a stripper). Lol.

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