Should I chose the path of a cheater?

I'm not attracted to my boyfriend physically but I love him.

i think he deserves the best and I've tried to break up with him indirectly telling him that I'm not attracted to him but he works so hard to keep us together and I love that about him but I'm just not feeling it.

My my bursts of physical attraction are just that, bursts... I feel horrible being with him...
But he won't let me break up with him...

I know now I don't want be a cheater but what do I do?

Updates:
Please no immature negative comments. I am looking for guidance and hope from those experiences with long term relationships.

I want to know how hard I must work and where things should just come easy...
I'm 20 and getting serious with a guy that I don't know if I'm ready when I've been telling him that I'm ready
His birthday is this week and then it's thanks giving and then Christmas... I don't want to ruin those for him either

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Most Helpful Guy

  • The kindest thing you can do for him is just break up. You haven't done anything wrong, losing attraction isn't your fault. If its not going to get better, you'll only save yourself and him some trouble by cutting it off sooner rather than later. Obviously it would be better if you were just attracted to him, but given the situation as it is, there is going to be some pain one way or another.

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    • He keeps telling me to wait it out, that we will love each other more the longer we wait out our relationship but I hate the idea of waiting... What does that even mean? I kind of resent him and feel like he's holding me back

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    • Well... I don't know either of you, so I can't speak with certainty. The only thing that could be wrong with you would just be a low libido, which you could work on, but it sounds like you aren't having a problem being attracted to other men, correct? If so, it's him - or rather, the two of you. I get why you'd feel bad, but that's why I put it the way I did. It's much kinder to let him deal with the breakup now than waste his time first.

    • @Leaflar This is good
      it happens, you have done nothing wrong

Most Helpful Girl

  • If you really feel like it's something you need to give up on, break up with him directly then. Tell him gently but firmly, in no uncertain terms, that you don't feel the same for him the way he does for you. If you want to wait then wait. Just distance yourself or something. It's a shame cuz he put in so much effort but the sooner you tell him straight, the sooner he can decide if he still wants to put so much effort into a failing relationship. If he won't let you go, then make it as difficult for him as you can and keep telling him.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 22

  • Well, I can understand this and it's a tough one for you but the best thing is to break up with him, you will have to do this, there is no point in being with a person whom you are not attracted to and so it's best that you let him know this and break up with him, I know it will hurt him but don't you think in the long run it will be better for both of you?

    I don't know how you'll do it, but I hope you can figure out a way. As of now nothing comes to my mind, let me see if I come up with something, I'll tell you.

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  • Trust me you will mentally hurt him way more if you cheat on him and he finds out. I say go separate ways if you can't look past the lack of physical attraction. Honestly you may be the prettiest girl he's ever been with so of course he wouldn't want you to leave. Just do yourself and him a favor and move on. He won't like it but he will get over it, may even be bitter about it but thats life people come and go. Just apologize and let him know that your heart isn't in it anymore and he should find a girl who is willing to embrace his affection.

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  • You need to break up with him. You're both just going to suffer in the end if you stay together. He needs to find someone that desires him back and you need to find someone that you desire.

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  • Break up with him. Its as easy as that. Be like, sorry I like your personality, but im not longer attracted to you and im going to find someone else. There is no changing my mind so don't even try. I apologize for doing this but a relationship doesn't work when there is no mutual attraction.

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  • Just break up with him already. He sounds like a great guy who is willing to sort shit out but he can be great and still incompatible with you. Break it off.

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    • But how do I break it off?
      He definitely deserves to be with someone who feels the same way but how do I let him go to where he understand without me totally hurting his feelings? Do I need to become the bad guy? Give hi reasons to want to break up with me?

    • No just break it off with him. You don't need to be an asshole. He will be hurt regardless because breakups suck. You've strung him along for long enough already.

  • DO NOT CHEAT ON HIM. he sounds like he's willing to go far with you so doing this to him will hurt him more than breaking up with him. No person deserves to be cheated on, you consider what this feels like to some. Tell him how you feel, and leave him if you want this to happen.

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  • What is it that you're not attracted to him physically? Him being not fit? He don't look sexy in his current body figure? or what..

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    • 1) he loves garlic and weed. I hate the smell of both, I have really sensitive sense of smell and I've told him multiple times. 2) it's more of his beliefs and his anger issues that push me away from him 3) he's laid back and it's great, but I need a partner that can push me. I don't have lots of friends so my boyfriend is my world, I need one that can push me and is strong minded.
      4) my boyfriend and I have opposite senses of humor. We laugh at our own jokes and are straight face to each other's jokes... It's lame.
      5) I know he thinks he likes me because of our physical appearances but it's not enough in the long run..

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    • Omg... you're Hailey Smith and he's Jeff o. o

  • Don't be a cowardly bitch. He can't stop you breaking up with him. You don't half-ass break up with someone indirectly and drop hints like a child, just walk away and don't contact him. Take accountability for yourself.

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  • You are a slut if you decide to become a cheater.

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    • I'm not really looking for your type of opinion... I'm looking for guidance and hope. I already said that I don't really want to be a cheater. I need help and advice not your negative comments.

    • But he's right

  • break up with him... attraction is a big part in a relationship. I was with a girl who I don't think was attracted to me, and I was very attracted her. and the sex was horrible. I knew she didn't want to be there but I was so attracted to her I needed it. you should sit down, tell him, and find another guy. its the best for both of you. other wise I think your both wasting time. your situation sucks and I very bad for you. hope it works out

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    • I am trying to find reasons to stay with him... He really is amazing and I love him. I don't know why I can't make it work?
      It's so frustrating, he seems so right but we don't bring the best out of each other and that just sucks so bad

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    • It does suck, but I believe sex and physical attraction is very important in a relationship. if you want to make it work, maybe try sex in positions where you don't have to see him? maybe picture someone else instead of cheating?

    • Our sex is amazing, even when I don't want it from him... I don't know what's wrong with me...

  • You need to tell him to get a grip and your feelings are drifting elsewhere..
    If he doesn't understand that then he's wasting his time effort.
    This isn't on you that you don't have that connection, it's him trying to mend something that isn't there

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    • I feel so bad! He's so maxing for trying and here I am, that horrible girl that can't try to mend things as well... I just don't understand

    • Amazing

    • Don't dwell on it, do what your gut/heart knows is best down the road

  • I think you need a break and some time away from him to figure things out.

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  • Your a pretty horrible person if I do say

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  • Do not cheat on him. A mans ego is a fragile thing.

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  • Break up with him. He can't just force you two to be together...

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  • Break up.

    It'll hurt him severely, but he'll get over it eventually.

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  • Break up with him, or make him physically attractive.

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    • I've been begging him to go with me to the gym but he's not that type that likes to go out and do things like that. He's laid back but just too laid back

    • Then break up!

  • How long have you been with him? Have you ever felt attraction? When do the bursts of attraction occur?

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    • We've been together for 10 months, the attraction started out sexual. Not even physical. I have, through out our entire relationship, tried to break up with him because I just wasn't feeling it between us. I began to really appreciate him as he worked very hard to make me happy, I told him I loved him, it was fun. Now it's getting serious and he's telling me that he really loves me and that I make him the happiest man in the world and he can't imagine a life without me and now I'm terrified to actually go after what I want because it's not him. I tried to work hard to imagine it being him and I thought we could change each other for the best... And I'm heart broken because though relationships take hard work, some people just don't go together...
      I was the one that spoiled him, I surprise him by filling his gas tank and I bake him good, I've done every sexual favor and I've bought him meals and paid for our dates! I really wanted to make him feel special during our time together...

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    • I need the answer to be clear and shoved in my face so I am sure.
      I'm not really going to cheat on him.
      Don't worry.
      I do know what I want and his sex was amazing, I definitely wanted it and I enjoyed his company greatly. We're just different people and I would like it to work out but I just don't see it right now... The way we are.

    • OK, then break up, you know you cannot make it work now. Make him available for another lucky gal that can make it work.

  • "indirectly telling him"

    "he won't let me"

    You're stupid, luckily I like my hos stupid.

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    • No matter what I say to give him reasons for the many times I tried to break up with him, he says he can be better and make me happy and then he says that I am his entire world...
      I am a coward to completely shut him out and ignore him...
      I need help to do this right.

    • Grow some balls, then; You're essentially saying that you'd rather cheat on him and give him a reason to break up with you so you don't have to flex a shred of both humanity and strength, and don't care what effect it has on his emotional state.

      You definitely are a coward.. maybe lead with that.

    • The thing is, I could never cheat on anyone, nonetheless someone so sweet, or even tell them no... I'm just so stressed and looking for help so that I won't disappoint him if I don't absolutely have to...
      I'm just trying to stress the importance of this.
      please don't give me a hard time, I don't think I could handle it. In trying to work this out, I don't want to give up but that is how I feel... I'm just asking for understanding and experienced advice..
      I've grown up alone, and he is the second long term relationship I've had. My first was when I was 18. Now I'm 20 and with him for 10 months completely loyal.
      Maybe I don't know how to handle relationships... But that's why I'm here.. For help.

  • Tell this... Seriously. .. No jokes and saying it clearly as possible

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  • Just curious why you're not physically attracted to him ist bc his fat? Or short? Or what exactly?

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    • I am attracted to him, and our sex is the best sex on this planet to me. But I just can't bring myself to kiss him anymore or even have sex! I don't know why, but that's why I say I'm not physically attracted because I can't do physical things... It must be something in my mind.

  • Just stop talking with him.
    Cheaters are sluts and whores, don't be that. Just text him "I'm ending the relationship, we're breaking up" and stop talking to him.

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    • I've tried that, im looking for myore experienced and in-depth advice. Guys point of view is helpful, but yours specifically wasn't.

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    • I just feel like that's so mean and I don't want to hurt him, there has to be a better way

    • If he won't accept you breaking up with him he's pretty crazy and controlling, and that's the best way to stop it.

What Girls Said 21

  • It has come the Time down this Not so Fine Love Line here, dear, when you Have to And Need to Take the boy bull by his horns and Be this Strong Straw Boss.
    Perhaps face to face is Not doing it, but a Long letter may be Better and then Putting him on your own Pay no mind list where he gets Your Helpful Hint, with No hymning nor Hawing and No.. Love loss, you are now the Boss.
    Don't lead him on even with a shimmer of hope with batting a pretty Blue, he will pick up on Anything with You.
    Good luck. xx

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  • You say no immature negative comments but you are the one being immature here. Yo u want us to tell you how you did nothing wrong, how amazing and lovely you are and how you deserve a better guy! Or better, how you deserve this guy AND many other guys, so you can basically keep using this amazing guy you have right now while spreading your pussy for more manly, physically attractive guys to please your needs (aka cheating). Sorry sis, but if I was you I would sit down and have a long conversation with myself and what the hell is wrong with me. No, people don't just loose the attraction, especially not girls. You have some other issues in your brain, don't use "attraction" as an excuse. You are with this for 10 months. 10 fucking months! What were you doing by now? Why did you even got in a relationship with him if you don't like having sex with him? Or you do but he is not attractive enough to post his pictures on FB? Omg what will the girlfriends say!! Break up with RIGHT NOW and let him find someone normal. Tell him you are a fucked up liar and disappear. DON'T YOU DARE SAYING YOU CAN STAY FRIENDS! Get out of his life, shoo shoo!

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    • Lol amen to that. That is why I don't date attractive women. Actually, I don't date at all.

    • I've been in only two relationships, both long term. I've remained nothing but loyal, even now when I question our relationship. I am mainly confused on how to deal with my boyfriend because I grew up with my dog being my best friend and living in my car. I'm n it really the best in conventional dating.

      You must have me confused with someone closer to you.

  • Break Up! Never cheat! Make it very clear that you feel he's a fine person but not the mate for you and you'd like to go find that.
    Sorry for long personal story to fallow but the moral is even though that seems like the best option to get out right now the truth is it's really NOT =-/ it'll be a struggle either way and actually easier to just put your foot down now BEFORE you move on.

    I was in relationship with husband for 10yrs, married for 8yrs, I think he wasn't really attracted to me but stayed for convenience and "bursts" as you called them, he cheated and attempted to cheat multiple times and I was nothing like the girls he'd go for. That being said, I tried to break up with him multiple times because I hated the life we were living and now raising our daughter in but was always pulled back because I was attracted to him. I lost that attraction after so many times and was just looking for a way out. I decided the only way I could "get out" would be to cheat, it seemed reasonable at the time, I'd get a hot raunchy night and he'd know how it felt to be sitting at home wondering what was happening.
    I got a really great hot sexy night out and now he knows how it to feels be cheated on (AWFUL feeling by the way if haven't experienced it), but guess where it got me... I'm still fighting with him about breaking up/divorce and fallowing through with it against his will, same place I would have been before I cheated except now everytime he's pissed and calls me a bad name it hurts because now it's true, before I didn't care because I knew the truth; also now he hurts because he knows the feeling of being cheated on and because I do love him as a person still it hurts me to see the pain he's in and that I caused it...
    As for the hot night and best sex ever... although i don't regret it I could have gotten the exact same thing after we were broke up, probably enjoyed it even more and not had this dark cloud on my sexy memories.

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    • O and don't postpone because of bday, holidays, etc. This possibly could be the best time for it because that's typically when family and friends keep in touch best so that'll give him even more support to get over it and maybe more opportunities to meet someone else =-)

    • He's an amazing guy, I'm not going to cheat. I'm just frustrated as to why I can't be attracted to such an amazing guy? I don't want to lose someone amazing.. But I don't want to lie to his face that I want to be intimate with him

  • Break up with him, end of story. It's a cop out to say he won't "let" you break up with him. You like the attention he gives you and the way it makes you feel, so you don't go through with it. Because his affection grows exponentially when you tell him you want to end it, I'm betting. He showers you with attention and you soak it all up.

    Stop being a pussy and trying to claim you're not able to break up with him. You're a grown independent human being.

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    • You're right about the attention, but I still feel bad about breaking his heart... I'm pretty much a hill in his life that's going to tell him that his best wasn't good enough...
      I just... I can't bring myself to completely drop him and ignore him.
      I definitely allow myself to let his attention wheel me back in... But this just keeps dragging

  • Have you considered breaking up directly? That'll make things easier for him than trying to sugarcoat it and giving him false hope.

    Tell him you want to hang out, that you want to talk. Give it to him pretty straight and clear once you meet. Minimize the excuses and reasoning, that you're too overworked, stress is at an all time high, etc.. Any justifications you give, sounds like he'd be the type to counter those. Saying he'll wait it out, he'll help you relax, etc..

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    • I have and he always asks why and then he cries and I feel horrible, I am a coward.
      Like I said, I am not going to cheat.. I don't want to be a cheater. But that's how serious this problem is..

      Imagine the confusion and sadness as I really thought throug hard work and his willingness to make me happy would work.. It's been 10 months and I'm sad to say that it hasn't worked...
      I feel like maybe there's something wrong with me, am I selfish? He's so amazing and deserves someone just as amazing who will love him but I am terrified of breaking his amazing heart

    • you've only got two options, in that case. You either meet with him and 'break his heart' by telling him it's over. You're not feeling it, as much as your tried, and want to go separate ways. Then you can even leave, don't stick around for any pleading.

      The other option to spare his feelings is to stay with him, and sacrifice your own happiness.
      It's a toss-up, your choice.

  • I've been in that situation before. The best thing to do is to be straightforward about it. Say something like "I care about you a lot and I want you to be happy, but I also want you to know that I don't feel the same attraction to you that you feel toward me."

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  • I have been in a similar situation with my husband. In the end, after 8 years, I left.
    No one can stop you ending the relationship. You just need to find the confidence and assertiveness to end it with out discussion. There will always be a reason it is not the right time, it will never feel like the right time, the right time is now! Please don't waste any more time in a relationship that you do not want. It isn't fair on either party. Be strong.

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    • What if I grow some balls and can work harder to make it work?
      Would it still be worth it?

    • I think you could make it work for a while, or even years, but most of us have primative urges that will, I feel, eventually lead you to be unfaithful if you are not happy with him. . and you say you feel horrible being with him. No matter how hard it is to accept, you can't make yourself find someone attractive, no matter how much you love him.

    • ... That's so depressing. I'll feel it out and openly talk about it, I have to be blunt. I just want him to know that I care about him so much and really love him.. I'll just need space from the intimacy.

  • "He won't let me break up with him"
    You haven't even TRIED, hinting at not being physically attracted to him is not even CLOSE to trying to break up with him. Suck it up and break it off, don't become an asshole by cheating on him. Postponing it just because the holidays and stuff like that are coming up is pointless, you're just making excuses. Just don't dump him on Thanksgiving day, Christmas eve or his actual birthday and you'll be fine.

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  • No one can "not let you break up" with them. If you're not happy then break up and be strong enough to not let him persuade you otherwise. If you love him like you say you do then you wouldn't cheat. Being cheated on hurts far more in my opinion than being broken up with. I say breakup and move on.

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  • NO! You will achieve nothing out of it except being the cause of a another woman's pain and marriage breaking

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  • It doesn't really sound like he won't let you break up, as you haven't actually broken up with him. If my boyfriend told me he wasn't attracted to me I would be hurt, but never guessed that he tried to dump me.
    If you're not feeling it you should not be with him, it's not fair to either of you. Sit down and break up for real.
    Good luck sweety :)

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  • It's nothing he did, it's nothing you did. If the chemistry and the physical attraction aren't there, it was over before it begun. Just rip the band-aid off and get it over with.

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  • Don't cheat on him. Just tell him you're breaking up with him and there's no discussion about it.

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  • He won't let you end it... well, that isn't true, that's you being weak.

    Just end it, stop making excuses and tell him you are not in love with him anymore. Yeah it's going to suck, but that's life...

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  • Don't cheat. Just break up and he firm about it. That'll hurt less than being cheated on.

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  • I understand, you don't want to be in a relationship where you're not attracted to your lover. Just sit down with him in private, and tell him you'd rather just be friends, but don't cheat.

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  • Tell him the truth nobody deserves to be cheated on.

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  • Cheating is worse. Wait a couple of weeks- then it's not close to his birthday
    Christmas season he will be around friends and family so he will be okay.

    People are judgmental, but I know it's hard for you too. You just need to be honest and do it

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  • You're 20 - there's time to find someone you love AND desire. Once he gets past the initial sting of rejection, he'll realize it's better for him, too.

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  • Don't cheat, just leave... cheating will make things horrible

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