What is ex boyfriend's friend really after?

Sorry this is so long! My ex boyfriend “Josh” and I dated for 3 solid months, (after his divorce was final), then long off and short on again periods for another 6 months. He broke up with me last Oct. but he has tried to contact me a few times since but I wouldn’t respond. A few weeks ago I get a text from Josh’s friend “James”. James tells me that Josh gave him my number. (BTW- I met James last July and could tell there was mutual attraction, but I was with Josh so that was a NO, NO!). At first I was furious with Josh for giving my number to James and I jumped in the middle of Josh’s A$$. Both Josh and James told me they are sorry they bothered me, but they thought maybe James and I could hit it off. At first I said no, it was just too weird, but James kept texting, making me laugh, and even though I turned him down everyday, he kept pursuing. I finally agreed to go out with him and we went out last Friday. After the date we sat and talked for a few hours outside my house. James said…”yeah Josh said keep chasing her, she will change her mind.” We also talked about Josh and me and how Josh says good things about me, like I am a good woman, and I am not a bitchy woman, like James’ ex-girlfriend’s were. James told me he had a really good time, wanted to see me again, to see if this could turn into anything, and wanted to take thing slow. (I’m 35, so I am not inexperienced or naive. James is 36, Josh is 41). Saturday he asked me to go out that night, and I agreed again. We had a very good time, and after the date we hung out on my couch and talked till 1:30 am. We talked about our past and how earlier that day; Josh said “your date must have gone well, last night, with THAT smile on your face. James you are going to fall in love with it”. (IT)? I said IT? He said “don’t listen to every word I say, you know what I meant”. After more talking, he drops this bomb on me about Josh and “other women” Josh has dated and that Josh was seeing someone now. Me being human, this bothered me and James noticed. He was trying to get me to laugh again and we ended up wrestling on the floor and kissing a bit. Then he sat up, said “I’m going leave”! He got up, waved at me and left.

We txt over the next few days, and during a few of these texts he admitted he left because he didn’t want things to get out of hand. He has also gotten a little distant and his txt are short and to the point, but if I don’t txt him back right away he says things like “oh now your back to ignoring me?” During our talks and our texts, he has said things to me that Josh has said to me in the past, such as “I don’t think I can keep up with you” (SEX) and these comments make me wonder just how much the two of them have talked about and in what detail. It has raised some suspicions as to James’ motives, but I second guess myself because his actions are on the up and up. (I pay attention to, both, a man’s actions and his words.) The thing is, James has information available to him, through Jos


Most Helpful Guy

  • Josh = history, erase that history from your memory.

    James = a good honest sincere man.

    Here's the catch to your situation- james is friends with josh, so if you date james- he comes hand in hand with having to be around josh. If you can't be friends with josh, this will bother james only slightly (not a dealbreaker) but enough to cause arguments which can be worked upon.

    Back to the point at hand "James is a good guy"; I say this based on his actions and NOT what he is saying. Men often times confuse words inappropriately for their true feelings. Let me show you something:

    Exhibit A) Josh was being an idiot and james tried to get you to laugh about other things, thus distracting you. A "Nice guy" will try to remedy the situation the way james did- the guy with hidden intentions about you- would sit back and say "he's your ex".

    - James proactively gave his attention to you, noticing that you were bothered; then he acted on that information by trying to get you to feel comfortable.

    On to the next point- sex. If josh and james did talk about it- what's new? Women gossip about men, men gossip about women (or rather "talk", as it's a more "manwhich" term).

    - Regardless if josh goes "she gives good head" or anything else, this infuriates you, but infact it won't change James AFFECTION towards you. Let me show you in an example:

    Bad boy- will push harder to have sex with you when hearing these things about your previous sex-life

    Good guy- will respect who you are and try to slow things down. He knows these things will be experienced in time and appreciates taking things slow because "typically" women are scared that men will use them, due to dipsh*t... errr I mean "josh" (sarcasm in reference to your "It" statement he made about you)

    So where does that leave things? Hmm.. sounds clear as day to me- quit bitching / thinking / reacting to josh and do what you have been doing this whole time- giving your attention and affection to James. (No offense this is just playful banter).

    Best regards,


    • No offense taken ArtistBBoy, Thanks for your opinion. I needed to hear something from someone from the outside or this situation. My friends all know "josh" so they have a negative attitude towards anyone associated with him. I usually can tell if a guy is a good guy or not, but "Josh" kinda screwed up my radar if ya know what I mean. Now I don't know what to do about fixing this deal with "James", because I chamged my number and I have know way of contacting him unless I contact my ex. EWWW!!!

    • It's easier to move on at this point and just keep an eye out for the same benefits in the future. The tough road (and dramatic) would be to get in touch with your ex. Typically it doesn't start beef right away, but eventually he will ask why you changed your number; where the average person would either lie or appologize.

      =/ Move on, it's easier said than done though ^_^

      ( It's not about getting his number again truthfully, its how he views the fact that you changed your # to begin with )

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What Guys Said 1

  • Your walking into these guys hands. Never date a friend of an ex. It's creepy, and more or less, your just going to end up used. The fact that Josh is content with another one of his friends dating his ex tells me they don't mind sharing the same woman.

    Please just get out of this situation. The truth is, they are both pretty good at realizing what women like. James kept going after you constantly, cause he knew you'd eventually give in. But for the sake of avoiding drama further down the road, I'd advise you to move on.


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