Live in boyfriend of 6 years and his kids moved out...is there any hope of working things out?

Hi - My boyfriend and I were living together for the last 5 years. We had custody of his 2 boys and were extremely happy for a long time. I always knew being a single dad the boys were his number one priority and thought of them as my own. In the last year though between practices 6 days and week and games and work we never saw each other and our relationship started to be a little distanced. We hardly ever saw each other and when we did one of us was in a bad mood or exhausted. We bought the house we lived in together but it was in my name and I put down the down payment.

In October we had a stupid little fight that just kind of snowballed. I emailed a lawyer and asked if we were common law married and told him about the house. He emailed back and said no and you can kick him out at any time. I didn't act on it and would never have. But in this fight he went through my emails and saw the response. This fight lasted 2 weeks where we didn't speak to each other. And long story short I came home from work early one day to talk to him and say how stupid this whole thing was (not knowing he saw the email) only to open a letter from a real estate agent about how he bought a new house. He didn't even tell me. When he got home from work he said "Yes, don't worry the house it right down the street. I never loved you. Never want to get married. And am sick of playing house. And I'm not leaving for 30 days." Yes, he bought a house 10 doors down the street.

The next 30 days were rough but I tried to keep things light as I didn't want our relationship to end. He was my best friend who I pictured myself growing old with as we are in our 30's. He was hot some minutes and cold others and just kept saying "he needed space" and "was confused." And what confused him most was the two weeks we didn't talk were the happiest he's been in a long time because life was less complicated.

He moved out the weekend before Christmas I offered to try and help him pack and setup his new house and he said no. And when he left he slammed the door and didn't even say goodbye. Tried texting him "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year's" and got no responses. And tried contacting him a couple of times and got nothing.

It has been 6 weeks. I've tried to keep busy but feel extremely empty and miss him and the boys. I finally got to see one of the boys in passing last week. His mom who I used to talk to won't even return my calls. I feel like my whole family and best friend have disappeared.

On Friday I stopped by his house and took cookies and finally got to see his other son. I can honestly say I have never seen a man so uncomfortable in all his life. I showed up in great spirits trying to keep the mood light and cheery. He backed up into the furthest corner of his house he could and would just spew out random blubberings about what he is doing at every second and who he has been doing it with. Is there any hope this can be recovered?

Updates:
Here's some more info since it got cut off. Also when he told me he never loved me he said he saw the email and "read the writing on the wall" and thought he and the boys were going to be living out of a car because he didn't have any family in town.
I can understand that. His ramblings were all things I knew already (but he didn't know I knew) like he went out to dinner with his ex (who hates him) and the boys to celebrate an award and he had another meeting with a woman from school on a PTA issue.
He also came from a very dysfunctional family where his ex wife cheated on him and everyone is divorced. My parents have been married for 42 years and no one is divorced. We became friends right after his divorce and started dating about a year after.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm sorry you're going through this, as such a situation would be devastating to anyone. I hope that you can at least consider my opinion, even though it's probably not what you want to hear. No, I don't think there is a chance this relationship can be saved, and even less of a chance that you two would ever be able to completely bury the past and be totally happy again- EVEN IF you both wanted to. And that's the other thing, he has made it 100% clear that he doesn't want to. He's doing "no contact" which is basically saying his mind is made up and he has fully committed to moving on and not looking back. You must accept that he has made that decision for himself and you don't have any right to insist upon being in someone's life if they don't want you there- even if you do have good intentions and are just trying to be nice by bringing cookies and such. Honestly, it sounds like you have done your best and did what you thought was right at the time, and you can take a lot of pride and strength from that. More than you're giving yourself credit for right now.

    Perhaps most importantly, you realize it was a stupid fight and some human mistakes that "caused" all of this. From an objective third party's point of view (mine,) your email to your lawyer was impulsive and hurtful but DEFINITELY NOT such a huge betrayal that it would tear apart an otherwise happy and healthy couple. I would bet anything that he was considering the end long before the email ever happened, and that he was going to jump ship eventually no matter what you did or did not do. I don't know the guy and I don't believe in mudslinging as a way to get over a breakup, but no one who cares about you or wants there to be a possibility of seeing you ever again would be able to buy a house practically next door in 2 weeks without telling you, without ever even asking about the email, and then totally cut you out of his life. Try to accept that this is simply "how it is and how it was going to be" and focus on mending yourself rather than trying to mend anything with him. Next time you feel like baking, share the cookies with a friend or family member who can appreciate your thoughtfulness.

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  • He is not only disrespectful, but evasive. There is something he is not telling you. Whether it's another woman, or other focus, it's clear that he's moving on.

    From what you said, whether you embellished it or not, he literally told you "i never loved you". That's harsh, and inconsiderate of your feelings. Unless he has been saying things like that for years, and you just "didn't get it", he has been concealing true feelings for a long time, and wanted out.

    I don't like to respond to these types of questions because it's sad. When you're "inside" the issue, you just don't see it. When you're on the outside like we all are, it's abundantly clear that he doesn't want to "play house", doesn't respect you (not moving out immediately after he dropped his "i don't love you" bombshell, doesn't care about your feelings, isn't being honest, isn't mature (acting sketchy when you went to see him), and isn't thinking rationally.

    Do you have a best "girl" friend? Would SHE ever do this to you? Of course not. Real friends don't treat each other this badly. So not sure if he was really your best friend in his eyes.

    Not sure what you would hope to regain from this, but I'd use this as a long, painful life lesson on putting yourself first, and not letting him, or any man, take so much of your life from you wiht so little in return.

    You need some alone time, to grow your self esteem back to the place where you are open to meeting new people and feel good about what value you provide to a relationship.

    Good luck sweetie.

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  • Wow, you have been through so much in a short amount of time. It sounds like his bruised ego matters more to him than the relationship does.

    Even though you probably regret the e-mail, don't beat yourself up over it. I bet part of you was finally speaking out after being silenced for too long.

    If you think back to when you were typing out the e-mail, what were you feeling? Maybe you were fed up with being taken advantage of?

    But yeah, some men act like huge babies when their egos have been bruised. Your man probably felt powerless, and he's punishing you for it. Buying a new house gave him the power he needed.

    But I'm REALLY curious to know why he moved so close to you. I don't care how great the neighborhood is, if he really wanted to cut you out, wouldn't he have moved further away?

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    • Exactly! The school is right behind where I live now and close to where he moved but there are 3 miles of schools in the area, houses on all different sides of the school, but he had to buy one right down from me.

      I was just so mad at him when I wrote the email. Never acted on it and lived to regret it. He put the offer in on the house 7 days after I got the response. I really just miss my friend and don't care if he wants to see others but don't know how to get my friend back. Advice?

    • I think a lot of time needs to pass, which I know will be hard. But, if you wait, say, six months, and then visit his house, he will be much happier to see you.

      But, I can relate to what you're going through. My situation has a lot of similar elements that yours does. I also lost my best friend because of things that happened in the heat of the moment: https://www.girlsaskguys.com/Break-Up-Questions/174516-i-pushed-him-far-away-when-his-brother-threatened.html

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