Need advise from a guy over 40. We've been engaged 2 years now he changes his mind?

I'm 43 he 51 both C level executive. We met online 14 years ago it was a long distance relationship that became strong, he was married separated for a year, for financial circumstances moved back to the house separate room since then, she always knew about me but blackmailed him to have him deported (he is canadian) if he divorce her and he won't see the children until they were 18 years old. Years passed we kept dating facing challenges together: he got cancer 3 times I was the one there not her. He finally got the residency & citizenship right after, started his own business that boomed overnight and filed for divorced. she made it difficult now he is wealthy. She keeps $1.3 Million house juicy child support, anything just sign! We got engaged 2 years ago and everyting is ready for the wedding but as the divorce process took place, children got upset with the divorce (1 in college the other on high school) both started drama hating him & not talking to him, they always knew parents were separated under same roof different rooms never went out together and always arguing. He started to get distance from me about 4 months ago, now I have not seen him in 3 months we rarely speak and today he told me he loves me but not sure he wants to marry me due to all the divorce drama and his children not talking to him, despite one of them told him their behavior is under their mothers instruction. He said he'll come for Christmas to spend time with me and make up his mind. I don't know if I should focus on work things out during his visit or realized its over. He has been in another city for 3 months opening a 2nd office, he sware there is no one else, just doesn't know if he wants to marry me after divorce is completed, he always talked about desperate to marry me, I even helped him starting his business we planned retirement next year once the business goes public on NYSE. I was his dream girl, his hot latina. Now he changes his mind & I lost 14 years of my life?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Hi!

    Tricky situation no doubt. Seems like you have been through a lot of tough phases in this relationship.

    I would definitely say that you by no chance should give up. If you have been together through all this, divorce, cancer, business booming (I can only imagine all the drama). This shows that you guys have a strong bond, a good platform and that you care deeply for each other.

    This has to do with his conscience, not yours. In other words, this puzzle is something he must solve on his own. I know this is something you recognize since you guys are definitely a good team at solving life`s challenges together. But this one leaves you in a tough spot - what can you possibly do?
    Well, the answer is two-fold. You can`t do anything to change his feelings towards the children and ex-wife, that`s for sure. Ask, but you can`t tell. But what you CAN do is to look after yourself, be honest with your intentions, your needs and your feelings.
    If the hammer drops and he will prioritize differently, either moving back with the crazy one or finding something new, then this is his choice. Not yours. You know what you want - there is great strength in this (!), it is also an attractive attribute among both genders - to have a firm and clear goal.
    You have not lost 14 years, you have gotten 14 great ones! 14 years of love, love for a man who has been through tough times, and become stronger because of your support. I would suggest that you continue to give that support also in the future, make your man stronger, as long as he is yours. Show your strength and thus motivating him to make the right decisions. For himself, and for you.

    Regarding the marriage, I feel that this is clouding the situation. So I would remove this "extra baggage" and make the situation less complicated. There is no hurry, you can marry later, the children will get more "relationship experiences" as time goes by, and then they may recognize first hand that life, and especially love-life, is not always simple.
    I would however be honest with the kids about this, and that your fiancee sits down with them and tells them that you are putting this on hold to show respect for their feelings (even if those feelings are influenced by crzy-mom). This will show them that you actually care a lot about their opinion, and that you want to include them in your "happy moment" in a good way.

    Summary: Be the rock that he needs, as you have been for 14 years. Honestly I think you`re doing great, just keep it up!

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    • Thanks for your advise! Actually he has expressed the same thing that he needed to get some "me time" to think things out and figure out how to move on after divorce. He don't lover her but doesn't hate her either; is the kids manipulation since they were toddlers what really bother both of us. I think you are right I will not push for the wedding that might be pushing him away, my only concern was that we both have tried to have a baby for few years with no success and my biological clock is getting to an end and we spoke about some treatment for this year. Seems I might have to pass on that which is sad, again after 14 years we have been through a lot. I was in the military when we met and he was very supportive specially with my son during my deployments. I'm going to be his rock for a little more and see what will develop from this, hopefully things will work out but if I see it won't even if it will be painful will have to move on. Thanks

    • Thank you so much! I followed your advise and gave him his space seems to work. We spoke 2 days ago he is planning coming for Christmas and hopefully work things out. I'm following your advise and not pushing for the wedding, first thing first! Thanks a lot!

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What Guys Said 5

  • Several mistakes you made were getting involved with a married man, staying involved during his divorce and, thinking those things don't matter. Never never never get involved with someone married or going through a divorce or breakup from an ltr. For upper level exec I would've expected better decision making

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  • maybe you should give up on the marriage push? and go for the guy instead?

    to men marriage is a trap with bad statistics.

    he already had to chew off a leg to get out of the last trap.

    its probably you pushing marriage thats pushing him away. marriage is obviously not going to happen in his case. quit pushing. accept the reality, appreciate the positives. guys who marry again after a divorce are idiots.

    And I am generally sceptical about divorced women, and would want to talk to their ex before anything serious.

    as I have seen a pattern of women blaming everything on men.

    and have watched the same women try shit on me.

    basically women have lost the credibility war with men, and relationships are based entirely on trust.

    most modern women seem to have zero concept of men's natural limits.

    and in my peer group its invariably the woman who causes the guy to look for a better woman. then she screams foul, and gets all her peers to support her etc.

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    • Thanks I will follow your advise about not pushing for the wedding! As per my past, we have been a couple for 14 years he knows EVERYTHING about my past and my ex husband. I was a victim of domestic violence for 4 years, even after I got divorced few years later he kidnapped my son and my fiance was very supported. Again we have been a very complemented couple until 6 months ago when he started to prepare her for divorce and she started the manipulation with the boys. She knows that they are his world and now he won't move on with me until the situation with the boys settle down.

  • From an outside perspective.
    I understand losing time. I lost 2 years, not 14 like you.
    It sounds like problems surround him. Now I know you take the good with the bad, but, when the bad starts outweighing the good, then its time to cut the cord.
    by the way. Your 43, its not like your 70.
    Lots of men out there.

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  • My guess is that you'll get through this. I don't think there's anyone else. His kids will likely get over this especially as they leave the mother's home.

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    • Thanks! I really hope so! We finally spoke 2 days ago, he said will spend Christmas with me to figure things out. He insist there is no one else but that he is overwhelmed between the job, the kids and the divorce process; seems she wants more money as she heard he is getting more funding from investors to the company. Anyway I have followed the advise I got here and gave him his space and not pushing about the wedding at all. Hopefully I wwill my gift for Christmas (him) :) Thanks for listening and the advice!

  • You didn't lose 14 years of your life. Just analyze your mistakes, although it seems like neither of you made any mistakes. You both have tough situations to face. If you don't get married with him, it doesn't mean it's over for you. Whatever you do, don't give up. Compared to both of you, you're both much better off than me. I never even got a job. I have no source of income. I found my soulmate, but she refuses to meet me. I am a Spiritual Master. Although this body may be young, My Spirit is eternal.

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