I like this guy. How could I make things go back to the way they were?

I like this guy that I really got to know last quarter in my dorm, and he is just... amazing. He told me he liked me, but I wanted to take it slow.

We didn't really talk much over break, and I didn't see him this quarter until I went to a dance several weeks ago. He asked me to dance with him, and I would have, if he wasn't trying to grind on me. Call me crazy, but I consider grinding somewhat intimate, and I'd only do it with a boyfriend... so I didn't dance with him. Now, whenever I see him, he pretends like we're just acquaintances. I get the occasional head nod and hello, but nothing more.

How could I make things go back to the way they were? I really want to be with him on Valentine's Day. heh
I tried talking to him, but he focused his attention on other things and completely ignored me. He's actually a really sweet person, so I know he'd never do this to any of his friends... but I feel like he doesn't even consider me as one. =/
OR he started dating a girl over break, which I just figured out today. Well, thanks for the answers everyone. I'll definitely keep all of them in mind. Happy Valentine's Day!


Most Helpful Guy

  • Here's a story:

    The much older woman I was dating, let's just say, had a different comfort zone & attachment style. I like to take things slow. Even though I'm usually the one paying, and the one with a busier life, so my time is more valuable; I still want to take things slow. I want to consider the other person I'm getting emotionally involved in. If I was looking to just have sex, I'd go and just have sex, I wouldn't spend a single dollar or minute of my time I didn't have to on "dating" and "getting to know" someone I just want sex with. But when I'm dating someone, I want to know if she's worth my time. I'm putting emotional maturity & understanding on the table, family legacy & wealth on the table, looks & sexual pleasure on the table, earnings potential and financial security on the table, and more importantly; my happiness on the table. I want to know if this long-term ongoing "partnership" (notice: I didn't say "exchange") makes sense. Is it balanced? Is it fair? Is the value of all the things the other person has to add to my life at the very least equal to what I have to add to hers?

    This girl started getting touchy-feely way too fast. And I was thinking to myself; "umm? why?" I mean, I know I'm good-looking, but not THAT good looking to cause someone to behave this way out of their own honest sexual urges. This girl was trying to sell herself to try and lay claim over the whole package. But the only sales tool at her disposal was the way she looked and sex. And that's not someone I want next to me as a "partner". When the struggles of life start hitting us, and all she has to offer our partnership are her looks and sex, that means I have to endure and take on the burden of TWO (or more) people all by myself. No thanks.

    My comfort zone & boundaries were crossed over. I felt uncomfortable the same way you did. And I pushed the other person away. How did the other person feel? Rejected (and rightfully & logically so). Their actions made a statement "I feel this comfortable with you and want you this much". From that point on, I could have either "accepted" (implying I feel the same way), or "rejected" (implying "I don't feel this comfortable with you, or want you this much"). And the message my actions communicated across to the other person; definitely hurt.

    So that's what happens on the OTHER end. People have emotions, they have feelings, and they want to protect the way they feel about themselves (self-preservation). So if you gave him a message that "I don't want you as much or feel as comfortable as you do towards me"; the most NORMAL & NATURAL response from an other human being, is to emotionally detach and avoid further and more serious emotional hurt & pain. That's healthy behavior.

    When you try to connect with him, he sees you as an emotional danger trying to enter his life again, so he ignores it and tries to avoid it. (not "you", but the emotional hurt & pain you represent to him)


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What Guys Said 4

  • It looks to me like you hurt his feelings. Before I get started... let me get something straight... You really like him and you want to be with him on Valentine's Day, but you don't want him to get close to you while dancing because that's something a boyfriend would do... right? Okay, if that's right... I think I know how his feelings were hurt. It seems to me like you're giving him some mixed messages. You really like him... but wait... you don't like him that much... but you like him a lot... You see what I mean?

    • Thats the best answer there maribella

    • You like him enough to want him to pay for you & take you out on valentines day, but not enough to get close to you.

      i'm still not seeing why he wasn't flattered.

  • You could start by not trying to control pace of your interaction, and just let things move.

    What I get from your post is that you're interested, he's interested, and for some strange reason you think their is some ordered way a relationship should form, from beginning interaction to more intimate.

    I agree that you shouldn't have sex until your ready, or I suppose even dance a certain way until you're ready, but put it in perspective. Everyone does the "grinding" dance you refer to, and if he see's everyone else doing it, strangers and all, and then you deny him, he takes that as you're not interested.

    Try engaging him in something to show you're interested instead of saying no all the time.

    • Well, I'm not going to say you handled things right, but let's chalk it up to lesson learned, next time don't be so controlling of how the relationship forms, and let this one go.

  • You know the problem is that many girls don't know that guys are not that pationt and. You want to take it slow but guys can't we want to express our feels as well how we feel about you. BUT all this scares girls a way like cats. and if a guy takes is realy slow well sh*t you are in trouble because he WILL TAKE SO slow that at the end you woulb be thinking he is just not into you and wants to be your friend and more but in reality he realy wants to be with you. See it is hard to satisfie girl. If we go to fast it scares you a way. Too slow you go crazy and at the end you dumping him or finding another guy with who you have the same problem. THERE ARE NO PERFECT THINGS OR AMMOUNT. you just have to work with what you have and sometime improvise. Good luck hope my answer helped you.

  • It won't go back to the way it was(keep reading and see my point). Quit thinking about the past and see what is going on now. If you want to get to know him then get to know him. If you don't want to date him don't. If you want to date him date him. Its not simple, but you can't just avoid it cause you get a little confused cause you are having trouble making up your mind. The number one mistake is that people wait to long until something disappears. It will never change back so right now you got to change it into something that you can deal with again. I think it was a great question you asked and maybe you can find your answer here, but you can't keep thinking about it you got to act. In my opinion don't change yourself. Don't change what you been doing cause of a speed bump.


What Girls Said 4

  • Talk to him. Ask him why things changed so much between him and you. Tell him that you want things to go back to the way they were before. He's probably either embarrassed for trying to get you to grind with him or moderately resentful because you didn't (which I think is less likely).

  • Tell him that your interested and tell him the reasons why you did what you did. If he really likes you, he should understand. His feelings probably got hurt when you rejected him in public and when that happened, his buddies probably told him to forget you because you're too stuck-up, so he's following their advice for social reasons and not trying to be humilated again. No one likes having anything offered rejected. Explain everything a tell him how great you think he is and maybe things will work out this time.

  • I think grinding, if you feel uncomfortable doing it, { what is it exactly?} .. iDK. That seems kind of an extreme response, tho. A little immature. . It's not like you are not being friendly NOW.

    I guess you could talk to him, just say what you said hear about wanting things to be cool, if not the same- just cool.

    OR, just ask him to a show, or something, just to get a chance to hangout.

    He may as people are saying put up a wall for a bit, but if he is worth it, he'll come around, & if not sounds like too much drama.


  • I think you should move on.