Will another man ever love me after divorce?

My husband and I have been through a lot together. We've only been married about 1 1/2 years. I've hurt him in many ways and ever since then things have never really been the same. I cheated on him before we got married, but didn't tell him until right after we got married. I had become pregnant with our child and didn't know what to do as far as telling him about me cheating. Anyways... he chose to stay with me.
He struggled believing that I was pregnant with his child, even though I knew 100% it was his. We took a paternity test after he was born, and I was right. I figured things would start to get better after that.
I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I struggle with horrible insecurity and low self esteem. This has taken a tole on my husband and his feelings for me. The pain I caused him before we got married makes me even more insecure about myself and our relationship.
We rarely have sex anymore and divorce has been brought up many times. I'm starting to lose hope that out marriage will make it. I loved him so much and I understand the extent of what I've put him through. Maybe we just can't fix this kind of brokeness.
I've changed so much through all of this and have used this as an opportunity to work on myself. But in the process of that, we've become distant from each other.
I'm so scared that if we divorce, that no man will ever want a relationship with me as a divorced woman with a child. I'm so scared I've dug a hole so deep I will never get out of it. I never wanted things to end this way. I have deep guilt for all I've done. But I have to focus on my son now. I don't know that him being exposed to us fighting I'd healthy for him.
Advice on divorce and life afterwards?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I dated a girl with BPD. She never took responsibility for anything she did, everything was always my fault. eventually I got tired of it it wasn't like we were a team. she always made me feel like I just got in the way of things she wanted to do. furthermore she used Her borderline personality disorder to justify some of the things she did. for instance she would go shopping and spend $1,000 on stuff that we didn't have money for without telling me or asking me, and then blame it on me because I was not showing her enough attention. I know what people with borderline personality do all too well. if this is the way you treated him I'm pretty sure he is resentful, and to be honest it is probably not able to be fixed. as for you finding someone in the future you really need to work on yourself first, because you will do the same thing to the next guy. and yes finding someone to be with you when you're divorced and have a kid is harder then if you were never married and didn't have any kids. put that on top of your borderline personality disorder and be prepared for a hard time. it's not impossible, I don't want you to feel like there's nothing left, I'm just trying to be honest.

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    • I understand that if you went through that why you would feel this way. I honestly feel like everything you said is not at all my situation though. I don't blame my diagnosis on the mistakes and poor choices I have made. I know that my mood disorder does not control my actions. I was just adding that in there to give a fuller picture on our relationship and the things that we struggle with. I am devastated by the pain I've caused my husband and have never felt so much guilt. I never want to hurt another person again. That's why I've made it my life goal to change myself and always practice honesty with myself and other people. My husband has, for the most part, forgiven me for what I've done. But things have still been affected by it, especially how I look at myself. My husband wants more then anything for me to be confident and happy. That's where my BPD makes things a little difficult. I don't ever Blame my mistakes on that though.

    • I just think that maybe after all we've been through, we may not be able to mend all the hurt. We've both done things wrong and we both admit that. I didn't put the full story on here because its so long and I don't want to trash talk my husband. The thing is that neither of us want a divorce. We both love each other very much. Its just that love isn't all we need anymore. And its hurting both of us.

    • So what else do you need besides love

Most Helpful Girl

  • You cheated and have a kid at your age. It shows 18-24, so you can still find love. But you have too much baggage, so don't be surprised if it doesn't happen soon.

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    • I am 22 and my husband is 31. The only "baggage" I carry is a child. I know there are many single men with children too though. Which is probably the type I would looking at dating if I ever decided yo date agian. I really just wanted some advice on divorce and how to cope with it. This is a very hard time for both me and my husband. We want more then anything for out marriage to work. We just don't know if it will. :(

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 13

  • I'm sorry. Seems like you've been through a lot. I'd be concerned for the child about now. I know its painful that your husband is being distant, and there were some things that you shouldn't have done. But right now. You need to take responsibility for yourself and your child. I'm sorry its a cruel world. Sure, you will find a man who'll want to be with you, but you need all the support you can get right now. This situation is such a mess. But set your priorities straight. You and your baby come first. Muster all the help you can get. You genuinely need it. If your husband stays, well and good. If he doesn't. Sorry. I hope he will take responsibility for the child as well. He must. Tell him how much you and your son need him and how important it is that you don't want your son to have a broken childhood. Don't give up on the marriage so soon. Fight for it.

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  • I wouldn't mind a divorced woman at all but,

    "I cheated on him before we got married, but didn't tell him until right after we got married." You trapped the man, in the case of divorce, it's likely he'll end up losing all the financial assets that men lose in divorce. Shame on you for this...

    "Anyways... he chose to stay with me. " I don't know what's in his head but, I've seen men stay in marriage just because they don't want to lose their stuff... doesn't necessarily mean he has forgiven you. Remember, you cheated and then after shoving him into your bear-trap, you told him...

    As I said above, I don't mind a divorced woman at all but, in all honesty, I would never even want to interact with you because of the things you did to the man even if you were the hottest girl in the world. If you're undesirable, it's not because you're divorced it's because you are you.

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  • Well, having a borderline personality disorder doesn't justify anything you did. It's cool you recognize all of that but don't try to justify it. Imagine if a guy hit on his wife and said, I know I did it but I have anger issues. Not even if you were a sociopath justify your wrong doings.

    If you want to try and redeem yourself that is fine, you have all right to do so. But don't expect for a guy to fall for a divorcee that has someone else's child. And what are you going to do with all that baggage? You are going to have to lie to other guys and hide all of this, otherwise you will never get to be with anyone. I doubt any guy will be that stupid to date you knowing you did this. And if you lie then that's basically restart and repeat. It will turn into a cycle for you.

    You put yourself in a dangerous position and now you have to live with it.

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    • I've never blamed anything I've done on my disorder. There's so much more to this whole story but I tried to keep it short. I know that what I've done is completely my fault and I've done a great deal to show how remorseful I am for it. My husband says I've done a great job showing him how much I really do love him and who I really am. I go to counseling once a week and take medication every day. I no longer lie about anything in my life, and never will again.
      My goal in life is not to find another man. I just want to know if any men mind dating a divorced woman with a child. I don't plan on fating for a very very long time if me and my husband do get a divorce.

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    • Lots of people have made the mistake of cheating on someone before. I was 20 years old at the time. My husband has been willing to forgive me for it so why would that affect a different man I've never one any harm to? My husband has cheated on women before, but that never affected my desicion to date him. And I've dated a guy with a kid before and I don't mind at all. Your looking at things from only your perspective but saying that this is how everyone thinks. This isn't helpful advice, nor is it accurate.

    • Our quickly getting married was a very pressured and difficult descsion. Things aren't always so black and whit. My father threaghtened to take my car away if I didn't get married after getting pregnant. He also wouldn't let me live with him anymore if I didn't get married. I wanted to do what was best for my baby, but also my husband. It all happened so fast but my husband says he's happy were married and doesn't regret us being together, despite what I did

  • You'll still be desirable

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  • Hey. I know what you're dealing with. Not the divorce part but the real problem which is the medical condition. Not that you are causing it: you are a victim to it. If you have been treated and you're on meds, don't stop taking them. If you are not on meds yet but seeing a therapist, great. If you're neither on meds nor seeking help... you should. It gets better afterwards.

    Now... about being "undesirable" to men. Are you crazy? Of course they'll want you.

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  • You sound like an awful person. But no I'd never date a divorced chick it's like picking through somebody's trash can.

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  • i love you.

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  • Love as in bang? Maybe if you are hot ha

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  • Google Elizabeth Taylor
    This will help.
    Keep your chin up

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  • Possibly not.

    Filler

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  • You mentioned you and your husband fight. What do you fight about? A fight takes two. Are you not contrite about all of this?

    Anyway, I hope you and your husband can give it everything you have to give and find a way to work things out, for your own sake but also for your son. If you can't I don;t think you should worry about being loved by another man. That's your guilt and insecurity talking, and that will pass.

    I wish you the best of luck.

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  • You could find a man, but a lot of men will be turned off by your baggage and I am one of those men.

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    • I love when people give your type of answer, but do it anonymously, its okay to speak your mind if you feel she has too much quote baggage, then that's fine but at least tell everyone who you are if you're going to say something like that

    • @Quacken I answer all of the questions I respond to in this manner.

  • If you lie about who you are maybe. If they learn about your history it's going to be hard for someone to fall in love with that kind of person.

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    • I will never lie to anyone about myself again. And I will most definitely never lie to myself. My history is not so good even before I ever got married. But so is my hsuabnds. That's part of the reason we understand each other. We've both been through a lot and both have shameful pasts.

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