My ex wants to work on things, but it is still not the "right time" for a relationship?

Me and my ex-girlfriend are both 20 years old and go to college about 15 minutes away from each other. We dated since high school and had been together for almost 5 years. However about 5 months ago, we broke up. It was partially because of some issues within our relationship however it was mainly because she needed to experience college life alone and "find herself". She told me she still loved me but it was just something she had to do for herself. Although it was extremely painful for me, I eventually realized that there was nothing I could do and this was something that had to happen. We really didn't talk too much for months, as I just tried to give her space.

A few weeks ago however she texted me telling me that she missed me and she was still in love with me. She said she wanted to start talking about some things and start dating each other again. She missed "us". I was happy to hear that she was more confident, independent and sure about her life. She seemed like she truly wanted to start over with me and work on our relationship. In fact, a few of her friends even told me that "even if she won't tell you, we know that she cares about you a lot and we think you guys can work this out". Of course I told her there were still things we needed to discuss first.

We talked casually for a week or so until we could finally sit down and have a serious discussion. She basically said that although she kind of wants to work on things, her life (sorority, clubs, internship search, schoolwork, etc.) is just too busy for a relationship. I was not happy to admit it but mine is just as busy as I play a college sport as well. She suggested still meeting sometimes, going on "dates", and talking occasionally. However it's just "not the right time" to commit to a relationship. We should just keep things completely open and see where things go. Maybe if things slow down in the future, we can give it a chance.

I was happy when she came back and told me she wanted to work on things but now I am confused about what she really wants. I feel like if we wanted to work on some things, we could at least do it slowly. She is sure that its just not the right time. Is there still a possibility that we may have a future? She basically says that we need to wait and see what happens and if it's meant to be, we'll figure it out. I realize the decision we made is probably the mature one, but I can't help but worry that there will never be a "right time" and we'll never be able to work on a relationship again. Any thoughts?

Updates:
I know I don't want to be naive and sit around waiting for her but at the same time, I want to believe she's telling me the truth. I know that our lives are extremely busy right now. What if this really is just a bad time to work on a relationship?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You have no problem expressing yourself here, so I'm assuming you have already spoken with her like this in person. Everything your feeling is accurate about working on things slowly versus huge leaps in the relationship; however, ultimately what matters is that she isn't ready.

    If she doesn't want to pursue a relationship right now, but instead she just wants to go on dates and feel like she is in a relationship, it seems more like she is looking for comfort than anything. Most times, I've encountered that by giving her the convenience of dating w/o commitment will often lead to being hurt in the future, in MY sceario it ended with her ultimately finding someone new. Don't make my mistake, fight for her. You have a strong love for this girl, don't let her slip through your fingers.

    Don't express yourself in words anymore, but instead in actions. Show her that you are interested in being around her and laughing with her, show her that you want to flirt with her and tease her, show her that you care. Men often make mistakes about saying "i love you" but their actions don't show the same. Women understand feelings more than they understand words. So if she doesn't feel like you truly care about her, and instead that this is a convenience (like how she is treating it), she is going to treat it like a convenience and look for someone that does care.

    Fight for her man, you deserve her if you are coming out about your feelings in such a way as you have done, and continue to fight through the long term relationship. Good luck man, if I can help further write me a message.

    "No one ever drowned in sweat" © US Marine

    ~ ArtistBBoy

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    • You are soooo right. This is what girls want! Actions and not just words. I am almost in this exact situation right now.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 6

  • you guys were too young and it hasn't been long enough for either of you to experience new things. she's just missing the safety of what you had and confusion is normal when maturing. there's more of a chance for something later if you don't fall back on each other during these "growing pains." enjoy being single, learning, growing, experiencing new things, you'll both have more to offer a partner.

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  • Go with Ur instinct if you really love this girl and want to date her again then go for it! If someone really likes someone else they will make time for each other no matter how busy their life style is if you don't do what you really want you be unhappy...Go with Ur instinct...

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    • this is the best advice: go with your gut. people can say one way or the other, but how do they really know? only you do. any updates?

  • She really likes you. It can work. There is potential. Read ArtistBboy's words and use his advice.

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  • Who cares about all that college crap, if you love someone go for it. Don't waste time, you only live once. Sorry, its true.

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  • dude she's using you as a safety net. she may still "love" you but no matter what happens she knows your going to be there to catch her.

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  • Tell him that you doesn't want a relationship now.

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What Guys Said 3

  • You're getting completely mixed signals from her so whatever plans she has in her head, it's unclear. She's too busy for a relationship yet she can still go on dates with you? Talk about contradictory. I wouldn't be surprised if things between you guys started going sour and she "suddenly disappears" because she's "just so busy". Busy is a scapegoat. Anybody with insight will tell you that.

    In my personal opinion, when an ex comes back into your life with feelings it means they haven't had much success elsewhere. She made the plunge of going to "find herself" and leaving you + now she's back = no other guys. And what happens when you have no success with the opposite sex? You feel lonely. So you go back to somebody who knows you'll provide them with reassurance the problem isn't with them (it is). You don't feel lonely or a failure. When you meet somebody else, you can carry on with life.

    The problem with going out with somebody you've already dated is that the problems that existed before, as much as you want to deny it, will still be there. Of course, there are success stories of people getting back together but think about how many DIDN'T work out - the chances of things going bad again are gigantic.

    What I would do: as difficult as it is, tell her it'd be the best for you both to remain friends. You were broken hearted the first time she left, there's no insurance she won't do it again.

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    • I found your comment about going back to other for comfort very interesting especially "so you go back to somebody who knows you'll provide them with reassurance the problem isn't with them (it is)" genius!

  • You don't know what she wants because she doesn't know what she wants. Her whole "find herself" spiel was basically so she could try dating, kissing, etc other guys. Although, you can't really blame her since you two have been together since you were like 14/15.

    I think she was just trying to keep communication with you open and positive so that in the future, if she decides to, she can return to you and hopefully have a relationship. However, I hope you don't sit idly by waiting for her return, because there's a chance she won't come back.

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  • You have to realize two things. First, she probably does still care for you but you two are so young, so anything can happen in the future. Also, she doesn't want to commit because she still wants to date other people. Which I suggest you do (only way to know for certain if this is right).

    If you are okay with both of those leering facts then I say go for it. Life is only as complicated as you make it. So have fun with her, have fun in college, and see what happens afterwards.

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