Why am I acting like this towards him?

So my ex broke up with me about a year ago because he didn't want to have a relationship while trying to establish his career at the same time. I was absolutely heartbroken and so hurt because he was my first love and all of this just came out of nowhere.

I know he did and still does care about me but I can't help but act so defensive and bitchy around him, even after all this time. We both have mutual friends and some lectures at college together so there's no way I can avoid him (even though I want to).

I do feel bad about my behaviour towards him because even though he did hurt me badly, I don't want him to feel guilty about what he did for the rest of his life. It's not like he cheated or anything. But I can't help it, it's like my bitchyness is a natural defensive mechanism against him or something. Or maybe just unresolved feelings for him, I don't know.

Is this defensiveness towards him justified? And is there a way I can stop being like this towards him? I feel terrible about it :(

Updates:
Okay just before people jump to conclusions, it was more than just establishing a career as the reason why he broke up with me. He failed two of his exams at college because he was spending time with me instead of studying and he had so many other projects going on at the same time in college that he really struggled to find time to spend with me. He also lived with my best friend for 6 months after we broke up and she said he was with no other girls during that time (con)
so he didn't leave me to bang other girls either.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • He hurt you. It's natural that you will feel resentment and anger towards him especially if he was your first love. Also I know a year feels like a long time but in terms of healing it's not long at all and just indicates that you still haven't healed completely from it all which is fine because for many people they only heal fully once they fall in love with someone else again. I know I'm like that. The feelings always linger till I find someone new.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Because you are a bitch.

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What Girls Said 5

  • "So my ex broke up with me about a year ago because he didn't want to have a relationship while trying to establish his career at the same time."

    I dunno girl. One of two things is happening, here, and both of 'em are bad.

    #1, this was some flimsy shit excuse for "finding himself" AKA having brief flings with other women, while you waited like a good little girl for him to come back around to you.

    #2, this dude has a SERIOUSLY fucked-up view of what relationships are all about.
    Didn't want a relationship while establishing his career? The what you say, now?
    What sane person views relationships this way?
    A good relationship -- hell, even a decent relationship -- should HELP someone establish a career. By taking some of the other burdens of everyday life off his/her shoulders. I mean, isn't that the point of a relationship? LOL

    I mean, that's just a totally weird and maladaptive attitude. Huh?
    I know lots of people who are very successful in their careers. Know how many of them made it up there without the support of a partner? Zero. Zeeeee-ro. Not a single damn one of 'em.

    I dunno, girl. I'm not liking what I see here. And FUCK YES yr defensiveness is justified. That boy owes you an explanation that isn't a piece-of-shit non-explanation.

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  • 50/50 you are human who feels rejected (regardless of the reasons) protective aggression towards him will kick in. Could be you have something to say to him that you haven't had a chance to. To be honest what may help is pick up a new hobby that will limit your interaction with him (granted you will still see him given the detail you gave) but it will give you something to discuss with others that he can't join in on. Take a trip with non mutual friends for a long weekend... turn the phones and social media off and allow yourself that whooosa time I'm sure that in time (not to sound trite) the first love hurt will mend... mine did after 3 years then I realized and was angry that I wasted that time on someone who was being "selfish". Good luck, look up, and smile.

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    • Yes there is a lot I want to say to him that I never got the chance to but I feel it's too late at this stage to bring it all back up again :/ And even if I did want to say it, I honestly don't know how I'd go about it :/ Thanks for the your advice :)

    • Using my own exp I wrote him a letter every day and after about 10 of them (5 pages) i felt like it was out I saved them for 3 months then on my long weekend I re-read them and when I finished them I tossed them in the fire pit... Keep that chin up plus you never know after you move past it the opportunity may arise to discuss it with him and you will be able to lay out without seeming like you are "bitter"...

  • You are acting like this because he hurt you deeply and you are still suffering from the hurt. No its not really justified but you can't help how you feel. I guess if you want to be different towards him you probably need time and space if you feel unable to act any other way. Otherwise I fully believe all our actions and reactions are a choice, so you coukd just change your reaction too

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  • I feel he knew he didn't want a relationship and career and decided to start one w you anyways and YES he should feel guilty about this for the rest of his life so he doesn't do it again. What if you had changed colleges to be with him or took a job you didn't want to support him? His behavior wasn't ok at all.

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  • Forgive. You are holding a grudge. Forgive. Just think like this he loves you forgive. Let go and ease your Heart by nice stuff. First, start off by apologizing and vent to him why you bitchy towards him.

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