Relationship not working out for the second time?

I've been dating my current boyfriend for over a year now. I broke up with him over the summer because he was not making any efforts to get a job (he's been out of college for several years and hasn't been employed at all except for a few free lance things). I am a very motivated and ambitious person and this drove me crazy. We wound up getting back together with the caveat that he needed to find a job. It's been over eight months now, and he still hasn't made any progress I can see with getting a job and it's starting to bother me again. I'm starting to think about breaking up with him again since he hasn't even tried getting a local retail or some other job to start saving money while he looks for something new. He still lives at home with his parents who are paying off his loans and it's driving me crazy. I feel like his mother half the time, not his girlfriend because his own mom won't push him to get a job. Am I unjustified in thinking about breaking up with him agian? Despite all this he's a very sweet guy, and I feel terrible at the thought of breaking his heart again for the same reason even though I know the relationship is not sustainable as is.


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What Guys Said 3

  • Some guys (like me) are pretty lazy and they won't do anything unless there's a knife at their throat. When you got back together with him you took the knife away and now even if he probably wants to find a job he's not as motivated as he was before because you're back with him. He was probably fine when he had school to give his life structure but now that he has nothing to do all day he's just lying around with no energy. Anyway you have to put the knife back to his throat to mke him do anything, bluffing probaby won't work so I think you'll have to break up with him again and tell him once he gets a job you'll consider getting back together, but you can't give in no matter how much he begs or whatever. Once he sees that he only has one optio he'll pobably get moving a lot faster than he was before and maybe once he's working again and getting back into a rythm he will be more energetic and active. But make sure he actually has a real job and he's been doing it for 2 weeks or something you can't let him trick you. If you take the role of the mother he won't complain because it's comfortable for him he doesn't have to do much and he gets a girlfriend on top of it. If you don't want it to be that way then you have to make it cear by the way you act that you're not going to be his mom. You can't clean up or do the dishes or whatever even if you think it's just once because before you know it you'll always be doing it. You have to make clear that you expect him to grow up. It might not seem easy to you now but you have more power than you realise. And just by expecting more you will get more. People adjust to their surroundings, when I was living with my mother I didn't do anything because she had done it for so long I was not going to just start doing the dishes willingly and she didn't really have any power to force me. But when I went to live with relatives for a while I knew I was a guest and they were doing me a favor so I helped out in many ways, they didn't even have to really tell me the situation was different and I knew they wouldn't accept my previous behaviour so I adjusted. You can If you don't accept his behaviour and just hope it will change someday because he's nice you can force him to change right now if you make it clear with your words and you're willing to back them up. If you just use empty threats he'll probably see through them so you have to be willing to act on them then he'll respect it. If it still doesn't work then just leave him

    • You cannot force anyone to change. And she'd be crazy to go down that road again when it didn't work the first time. She needs to either accept who he is or move on.

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    • @AmongTheApples Yeah, if I break up with him at this point it's not to try to motivate him to get a job so I can get back with him, it's because I'm accepting that we are fundamentally different people in terms of motivation level and ambition, both of which are important to me. I don't want a partner who constantly needs a knife to his throat to achieve things in life, I want someone who can achieve his goals and be excited about them along with me achieving mine

    • Ok :) It just sounded like you didn't want to end it for good so I tried to come up with something that would maybe work. But if you just stay with him I'm pretty sure nothing's going to happen or incredibly slowly, so you kinda already knew what you had to do I guess.

  • Well, if it's not sustainable, it's not sustainable.

    If you're not interested in having a househusband, then you're probably better off if you move on and find someone more compatible. Trying to make a relationship work when the people involved want fundamentally different things is a recipe for unhappiness.

    If you're okay with having a househusband, and he's willing to fill that sort of role, then it's another story, and you might be able to build something. You've said you're ambitious; are you going to be financially able to support a family? Do you want to?

  • Well I can understand this, you need to decide are you going to okay with a guy who is always going to be like this, if not then you need to take the step required to break up with him, because I think it's already stressing you out.


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