Why they have to do something traumatic?

When life can go so routinely and average, yet you make the best of it. Why in the world do you find this one person that makes everything so perfect, then they do something so traumatic to you. I know that everyone has their own experiences with this, but I'd like to share a story before my question.

Before day one- I was nervous and shy

Before our first month anniversary- I was exstatic and happy

Before our one year anniversary- I was busy and content

Before our two year anniversary- I was planning a family

Before our three year anniversary- She hurt me

Before our breakup- she made me realise what I went through

but I never stopped to think, why or how.

Why was I nervous and shy?

Why was I exstatic and happy

Why was I busy and content

Why was I planning a family

Why did she hurt me

... Why.

I suppose we often wonder these questions, but what does the answer matter? It only increases our knowledge of the situation and our burden through life. Burdens of pain and suffering, burdens of worry, burdens of happiness and excitement, burdens of learning.

- That may not make sense to a lot of people. But that's the end of my story.

My question, is "why?"

- Use your own logical reasoning to form the answers you'd like to provide.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Think of the 'burdens' as weights that you lift in the gym. Yes it is tough, yes it burns and leaves you sore for a few days, but guess what? You're gonna get stronger, your body's getting fitter and you will be so much more physically able. These burdens of pain and happiness and love and worry and learning are like a mental workout leading to wisdom, clarity and understanding. Ignorance is bliss. But you are way too curious to live without questioning what it's all about right? Even if you discover nothing and gain nothing at the end of it all, keep searching and looking. To question is what matters. It teaches you to listen to yourself better.

    Note: I notice that you use the word I instead of 'We' when you discuss your feeling and plans in your relationship. I'm not suggesting it has any significance but maybe?

    You were nervous and shy because you were young?

    You were ecstatic and happy because you were in love?

    You were busy and content because your love was reciprocated?

    You wanted to build on that love and take it into the future.

    Why did she hurt you?

    Maybe she didn't want the same things? Maybe she did and the timing was off, she wasn't ready? Maybe her feelings changed? Whatever the reason you two clearly lost the same page of the book and began living different chapters.

    OF course this is going to be painful for you. She was the girl you loved, someone who made your life seem perfect, she made you happy and you became attached to that happiness. She became the object of your affection, your desire. ANd she took it away when she took herself away from you. You lost something you had grown to depend on and to love, therefore you're bound to grieve and feel hurt. I'm sure she never had any intention to hurt you. For you to love her she must be wonderful. She is just human and probably as confused as all the rest of us about our feelings and how they control our lives.

    Relationships often fail because of a lack of communication and a lack of honesty. Trust is really important and sometimes pride gets in the way as well. I think that since each relationship is different perhaps each one needs it's own unique language. Usually between couples this naturally occurs. But if it can be acknoledged and developed then I think it can be a lot of fun. Relationships (like life) are a work in progress. And unfortunately/ or fortunately can be unpredictable, depending on which way you look at it, I guess.

    The bottom line is, we have no choice but to love who we love. We hope they love us back. We hope we stay in love. But when that love changes, or when the tide turns we have no choice but to let it go. You can't stop loving someone just because they don't love you back, or that they don't love you as you would wish them to.

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    • ... (I have no words to say in response, I'm at a loss yet again)

      Thank you

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 7

  • From my own reasoning, be it logical or not, and my own experiences, I have come to two conclusions.

    1. Some people have sub conscience ulterior motives. It's easier to just give an example of this than for me to actually explain it, so here it goes: I met a boy, we'll call him Jay, and I honestly had little interest in him. Time progressed and so did our affection for each other. At first, mine was false and forced, but I started to believe that I truly did have feelings for him. I tricked myself into thinking I could make this work. It did work! For a while, we were great. I began fantasizing about settling down with him in the near future, getting married, having kids, etc. It was becoming very real to me and I liked it. Then one day, I just dropped him. No reason at all it seemed. He didn't do anything wrong, I didn't do much wrong. I just kinda realized I had been stringing him along the whole time, even though I had "convinced" myself I loved him- I could have loved him, but I didn't. Truth is, something better came along anyways and I saw that as a chance to book it. Sure, that seems bad, but I see it now as a lesson to really know I want something before committing and to stop being selfish.

    2. Some people are so afraid of the unknown, the 'what if?'. I think sometimes (I am guilty of this myself) people get too preoccupied with the worst that could happen- they could get hurt, they could be left for someone else, they could hurt someone else, etc.Yeah, that could very well happen, however, the exact opposite can too! Instead of taking a chance, they rather push people away to avoid these sticky situations but that is a sticky situation in itself because both people feel the effects negatively. A prime example of this would be my ex. Left me for no good reason except that he is insecure and rather do things the easy way assuming the least amount of responsibility in a relationship (pfft, as well as all areas of his life...)

    Of course everyone has their own reasoning as to why unexplainable sad things happen between two people, but those are just two of the ones that actually affected my life so far. Hopefully they will be the only two that I have to make sense of, lol.

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    • You're whole answer is accurate as a grenade, "love like a nuclear weapon". Rofl I was listening to a song earlier that reminds me of the man in your scenario (or me in mine)... Go listen to "Im at war".

      Regardless, you're right about ulterior motives. Are those really THAT apparent through actions, from your opinion?

    • I wouldn't exactly say 'actions' because it's when someone suddenly ends something due to what's going on in their head at the time, as well as what they didn't realize before but now do. The ulterior motives are quite hidden when things seem to being good. They eventually come out in the end to wreck it all though, whether either partner wanted them to or not.

      and, lol, Sean Kingston... Really? :P

    • Definately, and yes... haha I enjoyed that song on a long drive back home from california. The cd sounded like it was skipping from how many times I played that track.

      EXCELLENT point about how they are hidden during good times, thank you. That puts things into perspective.

  • i think when I fall in love with someone I am vulnerable because it's as if I let them get away with things I wouldn't let others do but the truth is that shouldn't happen. there should always be respect in a relationship and if your significant other can't do that for you, they aren't good for you. take care.

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  • A girl might make everything seem perfect to you, but that doesn't mean everything seems perfect on her end. We're all entitled to look for that feeling though. If you feel strongly about her, it's going to hurt that she doesn't feel the same way, and it's going to hurt that she's looking elsewhere for happiness. What's the alternative? She stays with you when she doesn't actually want to? You would both be hurt in the long run. It sucks to go through what you went through, it really does, but it leaves you to find someone you're happy with who feels the same way in return.

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    • Granted, and you're very right in the information CR, but it wasn't her that wasn't happy, it was me. We're talking about my past with the 4 year relationship. I don't want to redivulge the whole story, but basically she slep with my best friend (where she hurt me), then came running back and tied in my feelings yet again. I can't get away from the situation, because I still love her and can't listen to my own advice (Self-Hypocrit much... lol) but I made a pact with myself that I will not date-

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    • This might not make any sense to you or seem relevant, but no one can break my heart as badly as I do. I constantly put others before myself because no matter what happens, I expect everything to work out for me in the end. You seem like the type of person who would take on the weight of the world without a second thought if you were asked to do so; I think that involves a lot more hurt.

    • Very accurate CR. ... Again I'm impressed and you made my body temp change (it happens when someone points out something accurate). Her life wasn't easy due to some of her past. You know how my heart feels, so I won't go into that. I won't lie and say she was completely happy, we all have our times in relationships; however, out of any given week- she would always walk up to me with this one look that is really hard to overcome: Love.

      Thank you again, talking about it makes things easier.

  • because there is something to gain much greater after this life of pain and suffering.

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  • We are here to learn lessons. Without evil we would never know good. Maybe this experience was supposed to make you realize things about yourself and others. Learn meditation and the answers will be revealed to you. No one on this site can tell you the answer, it lies within yourself.

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  • I think that while the process of finding out the "because" to our "why" questions is often a painful one (or for me, filled with crying and sitting out in the rain), it's an important journey to make. We learn more about ourselves and the situation, and we can grow from it and take the knowledge with us. (It doesn't necessarily have to burden us.)

    For me, (because I'm the type of girl who analyzes anything), I couldn't let go of it until I went through that journey - until I analyzed all the whys, underwent multiple realizations, and learned some new things that I can take with me.

    Someone said me to think of the relationship/the loss of it as a heavy, immovable walnut. So to get rid of it, you grind it again and again through the machine (the analyzing part), until it turns to dust and you can blow it away, letting it go.

    I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time right now. Just know that you're not alone and you can count on your family and friends (and internet advice - lol).

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    • You definately made me laugh with the last 4 words, lol.

      I appreciate what you wrote there, but I too am an analyzer. Which may help us in how we answer questions here. A good trait, or a horrible curse, I'm unsure of. But what I can tell you, is that I like who I am and I know that I will do great things for this world. Hopefully I can say the same for yourself, because you lifted my spirits for the day.

  • I do not have an exact response yet, I would not want to answer so hastily with something this important.. I just want to say THANK YOU for posting this.

    This happens to EVERYONE not jut woman, 7I think people really need to respect that , cause guys actually get hurt if they are not allowed to experience EVERYTHING on the emotional wheel.

    Woman get a totally screwed up view of what really happens & they get hurt cause nothing is holistic - ostensibly. & they ned to be aware that they CAN & DO hurt guys.

    I have been VERY ALOOF in relationships, because I just assumed that he was a guy & did not really care that much.

    He was in love with me, & it really screwed up how he dealt with things.. He was SOOO sweet & open when we met, & then just completely closed & suspicous later...

    Not saying that the rest of his life played no part.. But he TRUSTED me, & was really TRYING to be straight honest & hoped for the best.. & I was immure & totally disregarded him. Detached & even made a point of not caring, to keep things 'FREE & 'NON COMPLICATED' - I thought he would APPRECIATE me telling him to not spend time with me, cause he had other stuff to do.

    I did not MEAN to hurt him, which is what makes it so horrible. I thought he wanted me to do that, & I did not care either way, cause I never trusted him enough to care - intially.

    By the time I realized what a really good person he was, he would barely talk to me.. It took us four years to start talking again, & the trust is still delicate.

    ... I do not trust people very easily now, & I think it would have been useful for both of us to just give each other a chance , & we did not at least in part - because of all the stereotypical Bull S***. & Predetermined rolls & conduct.

    All of these rules about how guys & girls are supposed to be - Who MAKES the anyways.. Cause I think they DON'T WORK.

    & I have nothing against rule, I like rules they keep things balanced & centered, but this is like a Tyranny.

    BACK TO ARTIST BOY: I feel for your situation, & I am sorry you got hut, but you know you will learn a lot^ from it - you in particular **...

    I have noticed all of your helpful posts... Maybe in some way this was to help you see advice from others ( I have seen some really GOOD posts so far), & things will work out eventually... Life is long no matter how long, & things ca ALWAYS change. That is the cool thing about being a live.. Nothing is static, & everything is change...

    I wish you the Best :-)

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    • Thank you, and I believe that I know who this is ;) The situation with you and your man sounds difficult, but that's the reason I always recommend that people try something before they give up an opportunity. It's difficult to judge how things WILL be, especially during an unknown certainty; however, if you can give yourself enough reason to try and push hard. You will see for yourself that people are human, just like anyone in this world.

      Thank you again, I appreciate the feedback.

What Guys Said 1

  • There really is no one true answer to the question "why?" But we strive to find the answer if, and just for a small moment, we can find a reason to the pain, the emotion, and the truth.

    Yet, if you are asking for my opinion about the matter, I believe that no one person belongs to themselves. By just simply existing they cause ripples that flow throughout the whole entire world and by getting close to someone, those ripples change your actions, emotions, and feelings.

    I'll admit, I've been hurt twice by two girls that made me feel the same variety emotions that you felt. Both changed me in ways that I never thought I would grow. One helped me deal with my shyness and my close-mindedness through her death and the other opened my eyes to the truth behind my caring nature and allowed me to be more patient with myself and others.

    Of course, the first three questions to why are already apparent to everyone. You loved her, and that alone answers the fourth question.

    Yet, the last why... why did she hurt you? Well even though we touch everyone around us, even if we did not meet them. You may or may not find that answer. And I don't want to pry into your personal life, so I won't further ask questions about it... but if you can think the best of people, maybe she hurt you because she didn't want to cause more suffering for you or for her.

    Love, life, and everything... is always an intersection of paths and choices that you travel on. Whether you constantly have a companion or not is up to the people you travel with, life will keep moving forward and other people will pass you by.

    Of course, this is the hardest thing to do and one of the easiest things to say, but I've been there and made it through... but move forward and hopefully you'll find someone who will make you feel even more important, ecstatic, and happy then anyone else out there. Good luck and hope you make it through to the end.

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    • Strangly enough, I felt emotion and power behind what you wrote that closely matched my own desire to live. Your words are powerful. Thank you by the way, alot.

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