What to do when I just found out that my boyfriend has been lying to me about not enjoying biking/playing badminton with me, studying 'together', etc?

I just got back from an evening 'with my boyfriend' in part. Two hours of badminton, of which he played at most 20 minutes with me

He told me while dropping me off that the whole past few months that we've been going to play badminton 2-3x/week together that hee doesn't really enjoy playing with me. That he likes to be challengd, and that's not really my playing style. He told me not too long ago also, that he doesn't enjoy studying with me on campus because I distract him by just being there. Despite my not saying much to him and listening to music basically the whole time.

All of these things, among a few others, were used again myself by him in a fight we had a week or so ago about how much time we spend together, which he said is frustrating because he doesn't feel like he can do any more than the 4-5x/week we currently have.

That guilt-tripping is setting me off now, to know it was all a lie. Sure, he'd 'spend time with me' but how much of a fool does that make me if I go out of my way to be with him, then learn he doesn't find it enjoyable,

I don't even know what to belive. He got a good job in the summer that will be partially full time. He said last summer that he worked too much andt hat this summer, there's going to be lots of biking. Sounds like that's going out the window.

I think I'll tell him that I won't see him next till maybe Saturday night at bamdinton. Which I'd go to only if our other friends go and play, as well as in hopes of seeing one of he cute staff guys who overlook it who my boyfriend asked me to stop bringing up but you know what? Fuck it.
Karma's a bitch


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Most Helpful Guy

  • i wouldn't personalize it... you're not a fool for wanting to do different things than he wants. He does sound like he needs space, however. I would say become more distant both physically and emotionally up to a point where you feel comfortable. If he chooses to go so far apart that you break up, well, he doesn't love you does he?

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    • true. Though becoming more distant physically or emotionally for more than a few days, if anything, would make me more uncomfortable. Then again, if we differ in that respect by too much, best to pull the cord sooner than later as it'd come to that eventually anyhow.
      :/

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    • Ooh yea, of course. No plans on guilt tripping cause I realize that'd ultimately just make me look crazy haha. I'll just be a bit more distant for a bit since that's what basically led to this with him having a lot of exams this week. Then handle things accordingly depending on how it goes over spring break. 😑

    • strong plan

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What Guys Said 11

  • lying is a deal breaker. his reasons aren't making sense and that sounds like typical Asian thing to do. is he? I dated one Asian, she was exactly like that. always tells me weeks after that she didn't enjoy or she does not applicate my behaviour last month. I often asked to say to me straight away but she then said you get mad at me so I can't say to you. I'd be fine if my partner compliment other people and being told she's hot. she's not strangled by me and she should be free to do whatever. of course there will be trust, boundaries and if there's none, why bother date?

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  • At least you know the truth! When you want to play again, make sure it's against people with the same thoughts and style as yourself. I enjoy walking, jogging and running along our seafront, but I'm not competitive. I do it just for me.

    No one can really tell you what to do. You must make up your own mind. There are, I'm sure, many people who would love spending time with you in the manner that you want.

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  • Maybe you guys just need a short break. Have exclusive "me time" for a week. Just to have time alone that way you both can reevaluate what you both truly want.

    Oh and just a heads up those guys at the gym. They definitely are not JUST being friendly. From an outside perspective I've seen this and you begin to notice they don't talk to any of the male gym goers unless they know them personally and they really don't talk to the girls who are in the most shallow sense of the word not very attractive girls. At least not at my gym they don't.

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    • ayee yeah... he called me to sort of apologize and admit that his behaviour had been out of line. Said he 'doesn't want to break up' and really likes me so I guess we're somewhat okay now. I'll definitely be a lot less lenient from now on though. He reached a whole new low today, for sure. :/

  • Isn't he just asking for some time on his own? It sounds like you are asking for every minute of his free time.

    Am I wrong?

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    • ah guess I failed to give many background details... I really don't ask for him to hang out with me that much. We do see each other 4-5x/week, but only one of those days are independent of just being at the gym playing badminton at the same time (only ~20 minutes together) or on campus when we have a break between classes at the same time so we both study at the library.

      Both of those things we do 'together' of his own volition. If my coming to his place just once or sometimes twice a week for a few hours is cutting into his 'free time' too much then.. that's beyond me.

    • Maybe so much badminton just isn't his favorite activity... Try something different!

  • Sounds like he just doesn't want to be with you anymore! Another dumb younger guy that dont know what he has! Time for you to move on little miss!

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    • idunno he called and said he was sorry. That his behavior had been out of line. That he didn't want to break up with me and 'like me a lot', he'd been simply frustrated with the situation as a whole.

      I'm whatever. I'll 'forgive' him but won't let it slide so easily. Won't put both feet in the water anytime soon. :/

    • I dont blame you! If a girl told me stuff like that. It would push me away mentally to the point I would be working myself out of that relationship.

  • give him some space.. and there are time where even I do things I don't like for my girlfriend. Coz it makes her happy. and her smile and happiness is all that ever want

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  • I know I'd enjoy hanging with y you seem fun and like you're good company!

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  • Is badminton really this fun? It seems to be at the center of your life ha ha

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    • The centre of my life? It's not THAT great. Lots of fun plus good exercise so if I already have a month pass and am at the gym doing my routine anyways, might as well!

  • Regardless he should enjoy your company if nothing else...

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  • He needs to be more proactive about finding things he does enjoy doing with you rather then silently going along with it and resenting it till he blurts it out.

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    • Agreed. Not even silently going along, more like suggesting that we do it himself then throwing it in my face later.

  • That sounds like he is a really competitive guy. But I feel that its messed up that you have a fight, and instead of trying to make up you are already thinking of dumping him for one of "the cute guys who overlook badminton." I am not going to tell you you are 100% right, because you are not. Neither is he. He should have told you from the begining how he felt about badminton, but truth be told he was probably nervous, and didn't know how to tell you without hurting your feelings, and you overeacting and thinking of leaving him for one of the cute badminton guys.

    isn't the whole point honest communication? Would you prefer he just keep lying to you about it? If you are hurt talk to him about it instead of flirting with other guys.

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    • Where did I say that I'm thinking of dumping him?
      I don't believe I said that. In any case, I'm not considering that just yet, though this fight is over an issue that we've fought about several times over our two years together.

      That's the thing. He wouldn't think I'm going to 'leave him' for one of the gym guys because he frequently tells me to stop bringing them up on the odd occasion that I do. I've come to bring up a different guy, jokingly, with him just once or twice a month now.

      &yes. Communication being open between a couple is crucial. Funny enough that was something he stressed when we first got together, then he turns out to be the little rat.
      I don't want to break up but it'll definitely be hard to spend more time with someone who I'll have to doubt how genuine he's being with everything he says, outside of wanting sex.

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    • "I'd never be okay with a guy keeping a leash around me"
      Yes you did and that was a pretty big point in your question/rant.
      "Which I'd go to only if our other friends go and play, as well as in hopes of seeing one of he cute staff guys who overlook it who my boyfriend asked me to stop bringing up but you know what? Fuck it.
      Karma's a bitch"

      Yea its way harder to gaslight when its all in black and white, huh?

    • How on earth did you manage to interpret that as a leash being around my neck?
      I mentioned the staff guy at the gym because I find it pathetic to feel like I can't even speak to someone of the opposite sex or go to the gym at which I've been a regular for 2 years simply because my boyfriend expressed that he didn't enjoy it in excess.

What Girls Said 2

  • How bout not spending so much time with him? Develope your own interests and let him have his. The time you will then spend together will be more meaningful. As for the whole cute guy at badminton/karma thing, that just seems really immature. It's not like he's cheating on you. He just wants some free time. My boyfriend needs his alone time and guy time too. If I try to push in on it too much it just causes problems but when we do have our date nights/days they are more special and enjoyable for us both.

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    • Like I said above, I don't spend that much time with him. Most of the times we see each other are on campus while actually studying because our schedules both have a gap between classes on the same day, plus badminton. Which he goes to for his own personal fitness, and I've been a gym-rat for over 2 years, though I'll obviously stop going to badminton.

      I fail to see how I'm 'pushing it on him', if you could please explain?

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    • I really wish my unbiased input could've helped you step outside your head and see things from another perspective for the sake of the relationship. Sorry that It didn't. Best of luck to you and Happy Valentines Day ❤️

    • I find it ridiculous that no one seems to understand the fact that she feels extremely hurt and betrayed that she was being lied for two years and that people just expect her to get over it and brush it under the rug?

      Like, helloooo, anyone with a backbone here?
      The way he was acting was not right. I can't even imagine how betrayed I'd feel if my partner told me that the activity I thought we have fun doing together and bonded together sucked and that he didn't actually like doing it with me and he'd rather do it with someone else... or that he doesn't like just being in my presence (the studying thing). I would absolutely feel devastated.

      Honestly, I think you should find someone that WANTS to do things with you, because he clearly doesn't unless he's come up with alternative ways to spend time together. It is NOT too much to expect your boyfriend to have time for you and from what you've said you have very low expectations on that department. Ridiculous.

  • This guy a dummy. I dunno what your doing with a fool. Sounds to me like he making exuess. Does he want alone time?

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    • Yeaa I don't even know anymore. He called me to join him on campus today even though I made a point of not meeting up with him as usual to grant him some 'space'. He acted like everything was fine, invited me to go to badminton with him on Thursday then dinner/his place Friday.

      I told him maybe, though I want to discuss what happened on the weekend asap. He said no, the past is in the past but I insisted that I want to clear several things up so that I don't get shit thrown in my face like that again. ✌🏻️

    • aww yeah he trying to avoid something. For sure confront him. I mean you can't avoid things like that you have to confront them no matter how uncomfortable it may seem. Sometimes i need my space as well but its best to talk about it. Ya know so the other person isn't confused as hell. Good luck. (:

    • lol yes, so it seems. I'm hoping it's more like he realizes he dun fucked up wishes it would stay in the past but no such luck. No excuses and you're right- the only way to minimize chances of that happening again is to make sure both parties are perfectly clear as to what will and won't be acceptable.

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