Why can't I move on?

I met a guy online in Dec, we seemed to have an instant connection, he pursued me consistently and despite having my guard up from being hurt in the past, his persistence won me over. Things seemed intense real fast, he told me daily how he hadn't felt a physical and emotional connection like this in years, I felt the same. After 2 weeks of dating and sleeping together he asked me to be his girlfriend. Things still seemed great still text called daily, dated regularly. He said he could see me having his kids! I had doubts but because we had already slept together thought he had no reason to say these things.. 2 months in I find out I'm pregnant, he seemed shocked but happy and said he wanted me to keep it but would support me either way. He then slowly became distant avoiding my messages, always "busy" stopped calling, I then found out he was online dating! Which of course he denied. He claimed he still felt the same and things seemed fine for a while but I felt him pulling away again, so i ended it with him as I felt he didn't have the guts to do it, 2 days laterI tried to contact him to discuss the pregnancy and he ignored me, I then made a fake dating profile asking to have sex with him and he fell for it! Angry that this man who claimed to care for me so much could move on so quickly ignore me knowing I'm pregnant I exposed myself being the fake profile. He then called saying I ended it with him so he can do what he wants etc. In the end he admitted that he hasn't been that supportive and understood why I ended it and said he wished I didn't end it with him. I felt if he really cared he would of tried to prove he still wanted me. He said he would call the next day, nothing I then miscarried and coincidentally he called, I told him and tbh we were both relieved but now he has made no attempt to contact me despite promising to. I just feel completely rejected and played, did he ever care? Why am I still holding out for his validation? Why fake a future with me?


Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm curious about the answer to this as well, although I suspect I already know... He doesn't care. It sounds a lot like my previous situation, and after some distance and perspective, I've come to the conclusion that mine has some sort of personality disorder (narcissist, or possibly borderline personality).

    We have known each other for 10+ years, and were very close several years ago. We reconnected over a year ago after losing touch, and were both seeing other people. Several more months go by and we're both single. We start spending more time together, and eventually one thing leads to another and we kiss. No big deal. But he ends up doing it again and telling me he's always had feelings for me and thought us getting together and seeing if we have a future is the right thing to do. I'm always cautious with men - he was well aware of abuse in my past, and why I take things slow, and he came into it with eyes wide open, or so I thought. Things were perfect at first, he was patient, we talked everyday for two months. The night I was finally ready to take that step with him, we were watching a movie at his house, and his phone kept going off, which had never happened before. He ended up telling me it was a co-worker he hooked with as a rebound from his ex (months before allegedly), and she wouldn't leave him alone. Seven months later and she won't leave you alone? Right... and I was born yesterday. I didn't end up sleeping with him, and after that he pretty much faded away.

    The truth came out eventually, that he basically lied to me about everything, and was still trying to get back with his ex, who thankfully kicked him to the curb like he deserves. Good for her.
    I think some people, like him and the guy you met, just lack basic human compassion or empathy, and think only of themselves. Sure, they both apologized for their horrible behavior, but was it sincere? My guess is it was to make themselves feel better about their own guilt. Some people are out only for themselves, and truly do not have the capacity to care for other people. I know this guy I know has had a really tough life, which was why I thought he understood about my own issues. In reality, the things he's been through have turned him into a monster that is unable to care for anyone but himself, and his faked compassion for my abuse was exactly that - faked in an effort to get what he wanted from me (sex and adoration).

    • I'm so sorry you had to go through this, it's something no one should ever have to deal with. Losing a baby is hard enough, let alone dealing with it while trying to fend off the half attempted advances of a psychopath. I wish I could hug you and tell you that he'll realize what a jerk he is and start acting with compassion, but I just don't believe that.

      I wish you all the best hun. I try to take comfort in knowing that I am strong, and that I won't let someone like that tear me down. Eventually I will find someone that actually does care, and he will still have the same walls up that make him so miserable with himself that he has to take it out on other people. Look up NPD, it really helped me to realize that it wasn't my fault, and there was nothing I could do to prevent him from acting this way.

    • Thank you for answering, I'm sorry you went through that and I completely agree. He definitely has some narcissistic tendancies yet it's so hard to tell because they are so charming at first and it's so hard to accept that they really don't care about your feelings!

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  • Im so sorry to hear what you are going through. Not only did you have to endure a broken heart, but a miscarriage as well:/ Its such a hard thing to go through. And finding out the truth about someone always hurts as well. I dont know everything about your situation, but I hope things work out in the end. Sending you a hug☺️☺️

    • Thank you so much, I think that adds to the hurt. I'm wondering if he's wants me to chase him as I'm the one who ended it but I feel like I made the right choice

    • You've definetly made the right choice of ending it. He doesn't sound like a very nice guy to be with anyway. Take it as a learning experience and keep your head up❤️

    • I know it's so true, thank you x

  • Gosh, I'm so sorry you went through this and are still dealing with it. That guy is total scum - the type of dude that can make us turn into bitches and make us become so leery of guys in the future. I understand where you're coming from because I've been in something similar. I feel as though you want some kind of closure, and understandably, you went through something traumatic. Unfortunately, we don't always get closure from the people who hurt us, and have to find it ourselves. We have to because if we don't, we carry that anger and detest thay we don't deserve to carry. I guess the moral of my story and more blunt response is to let it go, be at peace. After all you went through, you deserve it.

    • Thank you you're so right I really do have to let it go but I feel like he feels I should chase him because I ended it when in reality it was his actions why I ended it in the first place! Really appreciate your feedback

    • He may want you to chase him; who knows, he might just want to chase you and not even realize it yet. That doesn't matter though - he doesn't matter. I'd forgive him, forgive yourself, just let go of that hurt because he doesn't deserve one drop of it. Better times and better people are coming, and karma is going to deal with him so you don't have to worry about it. I think that's just the way the universe works for us sometimes lol. And it's no problem, I'm glad to help :)

    • you are so right, he's so not worth it! Thanks again x

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