Torn about whether to end it. Is it always this hard?

3 and 1/2 years now, very platonic. She's Russian, I'm a Kiwi, we live in Russia. Best friends, (almost always) open and honest about everything, haven't made love in over 6 months but until recently that was ok. Cuddles and just hanging out was enough. Most importantly - I was a wreck when she met me, aimless and insecure. Thanks to her, my whole life has essentially bloomed and now overtaken her own. For the first time in my life, I'm moving up through my career ladder, making great friends, and achieving things.

Problem 1: I'm finding it difficult to integrate into her Russian family. She, doesn't want to move to the UK, where I'm determined to settle down and work permanently.

Problem 2: Meeting girls whom I feel I'd rather be with, who take interest in me. Eg. I've gotten to know a colleague lately - an English girl who fits my goals, hobbies, and current personality perfectly.

Problem 3: I used to be a very romantically driven person, but my girlfriend and I don't do anything like that. No flowers, no valentines, no dinners (or even dates), no whirlwind holidays. It was ok because we had other connections, but that romantic energy is returning, but for some reason I can't direct it at her, only at this English girl (or one other girl before that).

I've never left anyone before - this is my first and only serious relationship. My girlfriend stands to lose a lot if we break up, financially and otherwise, and she's desperate to marry and have kids in the next year or two (she's 27). We are so stable together. We'd create a great setting for raising children. I risk losing that stability forever. She's convinced she'll never find anyone again if we part. She senses my trouble and has been compensating with shows of affection, which makes these thoughts all the harder.

As much as I love her, I want to feel being smitten again. I want to be with someone who accepted me for my strengths, even though my girlfriend basically rescued me.


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What Girls Said 2

  • It sounds like you've reached that point that happens in most relationships. Are you bored and looking for excitement again? That can all be created with your current girlfriend. Are you in love with your current girlfriend? Can you see her in your future?

    Or do you instantly imagine yourself having children with this new girl, when you've never felt like that about your current girlfriend?

    You need to be careful because this is usually how cheating starts. Maybe stress has affected you both, which sometimes happens. But honestly? All relationships hit this point. You both have to put in the effort to make it work.

    Describe all the best things that you love about your current girlfriend. The little things. Then write a list of all things you don't like. Would these change, or are you willing to cope with these for the rest of your life?

    The new girl is only showing you part of herself. She has flaws just like the rest of us. I'd strongly advise you to think about why you're looking elsewhere first, before you end things. Boredom isn't enough in my opinion, but falling out of love is.

    • I definitely don't imagine having children with this new girl! :P She represents a big risk of course, and I'm remaining determined to factor her out of the issue at hand. The thing is, my girlfriend and I went through this about 9 months ago, and we both agreed to try harder, and nothing came of it. We just slipped back into a normal routine and although it was frustrating for me, I just figured it was my "lot".

    • No I don't believe you should stay in a relationship you're not happy in. In a worst case scenario where you feel like cheating with this new girl for the thrill, i'd suggest taking a month apart from your current girlfriend. It'll give you both time to miss each other. If not, surprise your current girlfriend by simply picking her up and carrying her upstairs. Be playful with her. Hell I know that i personally love it when a guy is playful like that. Be silly with her. Act like kids again. Life doesn't have to be boring. And maybe do something like zip lining together? :D It gets the adrenaline pumping and it's a new memory together. Remember when you were first dating. What did you do then that you're not doing anymore? Is there anything that you miss specifically?

  • You love her because she rescued you? Or you love her just because? You owe her nothing, but at the same time, you will owe her an explanation of why you think the English girl would be better. Things come in and disrupt our relationships to put them to the test. If you truly love her then focus on her. Other wise leave before things get to messy and things are said that can't be taken back. Good luck with your choice


What Guys Said 1

  • If you're positive you can't change the relationship now for the better, maybe it's time to end it. But - only if you've given it your best shot!! You don't want to have any regrets. What's the biggest problem now?

    • I'd say the biggest problem is this distraction - a lovely English girl. She's very respectful of our relationship, but I can see by the way she takes opportunities to be where I am, raises the topic of my girlfriend and relationship quite often, and lights up when I say something positive about her, that she's interested. At this point in my life, I feel like she's such a match, but she's very popular and I know that she'll eventually lose interest if she thinks there's no hope there.

      I know it's always a bad idea to leave a relationship for the *chance* of another, but I've got that "limited time only" complex going on :(

    • "Chance" really stands for a big IF...

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