Married 7 years, but in love with someone else. Stay and try to work things out? Or divorce?

I've been married for 7 years, but over the past year and a half, I've fallen in love with someone else. Is divorce the right choice? Before any name calling begins, please understand that I wasn't looking for someone else, but I fell in love with this friend of mine anyway. I have also never physically cheated.

  • Stay with husband; cut all ties with other man
    Vote A
  • Stay with husband; try to stay friends with other man
    Vote B
  • Divorce husband
    Vote C
Select age and gender to cast your vote:
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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, even after 7 years of marriage you can still fall in love with someone else so that indicates that you were certainly not happy in your marriage or the marriage wasn't the way you expected it. Something was going wrong somewhere, otherwise I just don't see any reason for someone else entering a married person's life.

    In your case it has happened. Hence I would say now you have to evaluate the situation carefully:

    If the guy you love loves you:

    1. First is you need to be absolutely sure that you are in love with the other guy that you mentioned, or is it just a phase of attraction. If it's just attraction then it will probably pass away but if it's something serious like " LOVE" then it's a different thing. Hence first you need to be sure of your feelings towards the guy.

    2. Now, if you 100% sure it's love, then you need to know from the guy that he also loves you back or not, because if he doesn't love you then there is no point in taking things forward and your feeling will remain one-sided, which again is hurtful. Hence you need to know if the guy loves you and wants to be with you

    3. You need to speak and have a conversation with the guy you love and after that if you both love each other equally and want to be with one another, then you can take things forward.

    4. You can then go for a divorce and it will be a good choice then, because there is no point in staying in an unhappy marriage.

    Here is the second part to this

    If the guy doesn't love you the way you love him

    1. Now if you do take divorce without knowing the feelings of the guy towards you, then what you'll do. You will only repent on your mistake, right?

    2. I mean there is no point in going for a divorce when the guy doesn't love you or wants to be with you, because that also will hurt you in the end.

    However in either case, since the marriage has lasted for 7 years, I would suggest you to try once and see if the problems in your marriage can be resolved or not. I mean just try once, but if you are 100% sure that this marriage is as good as dead then there is no point in staying in such a marriage which is loveless and is filled with unhappiness.

    Hence first you have to confirm what the reality is ( read above ) and then take a calculated decision. I would suggest you not to go just on your emotions and feelings.

    The choice is yours.

    Good luck!

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    • this is probably the worst advice you could think of... I wouldn't even call it advice... either way you have it alllll wrong. I am just amazed on how wrong this "advice" is. WOW!

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    • @newlife1011

      Yes, I know I am young, I am learning in my own ways. There is no need for you to remind me of that. Please I don't need your opinion or advice on the question asked by the user. I have my logic and my theories and I live my life based on that and I am confident about that. That's fine if people support your logic.

      That's good for you. I am not looking for anyone's support, if people support me it's good, if they don't support me that's also fine, as I said I don't really care. I will keep giving my opinions and suggestions. It's up to others to accept it or follow them.

      Just because you don't agree with my opinion won't make any difference to me, I am sure somebody will understand and agree to my opinions/suggestions.

      Please don't give me your wishes ( good or bad). I am not interested. You don't have to tell me what I should understand and how I should understand things.

      There is no point in us fighting. Please let's just stop it

    • Thanks for the MHO

Most Helpful Girl

  • My opinion and what I would do if I was in your position is I would cut all ties with the other man. I fell for a guy in my college class while I was with my boyfriend.. before I did anything I would regret, i cut off all communication. . and actually spent more time with my boyfriend and appreciating him, and really looking back at all the amazing things we have done together. And I started to fall in love with him even more and the 'other guy' faded away... fixing sothing that is or might be temporarily broken and making it stronger, is better than finding someone new (except for abuse and cheating) . Love will fade and come back again.. its like a rollarcoaster but you have to, as a couple, work at keeping the love alive even when you dont want to. People expect to always be feeling ontop of the world when in a commited long term relationship and its not realistic.. sometimes you won't feel inlove with ur S/O but that feeling eventually goes away, and its no reason to get with someone else because you will end up feeling that same 'out of love' feeling with this new guy and you will be looking for someone else and the cycle never ends... I guarantee it! 'Cuter or better' guys will always come and distracted you but they are never worth it. My grandparents have been together for 50 years and they are still in love because they work at staying in love even when they dont feel the love some days. Thats what its all about. Im guessing ur not married yet. . I don't know if you even want to so your not obligated to stay, but the way you are in your dating life is how your marriage life will be.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 14

  • Here is the way I see this one... first off the facts... you have been married for 7 years and over 5 without this friend of yours. You have never cheated. Ok, now the truth... marriage isn't easy, I can attest to that. You married your husband because you chose him. So then the last 1.5 years you "fell in love". I think something is missing in the marriage that was there before and you are reaching out to your friend to fill that void. If it was physical you would have cheated already. I think this one is more on the emotional level, meaning you are kind of feeling detached from your husband, like he isn't fufilling one of your needs. The first thing you do is sit down with your husband, who you should be able to tell anything to and tell him why you aren't happy right now. As I mentioned something is missing and together you should work to try to get that back. This is the man you have been with the last 7 years so please dont throw it all away. Work this out together. Remember there was a reason why you said "I do" to him. There was a reason why you picked him to be your husband. You will be challenged in your marriage, that is a fact... look at it as a test of your love together. You pass this and find out what is missing and get it back this will only make you stronger together. You need to cut all ties with this man. He is the reason why you are thinking of throwing 7 years of your life away. Dont be fooled into thinking "that the grass is greener on the other side". This is merely a test of your love and an eye opener to find out what is missing or what is currently lost in the marriage. If you try to stay friends with this guy then you are basically putting him on the back burner, using him as a backup, which shows your lack of trust in the marriage and kind of setting yourself up for divorce, or the thought of it when your complete focus should be on fixing your marriage. See a counselor, find out how you can fix the marriage before you jump ship. He may not be aware that you are thinking divorce and if he loves you he will do everything in his power to fix it and to make you happy. That is the problem nowadays people think that marriage should be easy, but it isn't. You need to work at anything to make it work. Your main goal should be to make each other happy. So talk to your spouse and tell him how you feel. You married him for a reason, and fell in love with him before... find those reasons again. I wish you only the best!

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    • They dont give me enough room to write... now if your husband was abusive or threatened your life and then I would have you seek divorce. No man or woman deserves to be abused by the other, which includes physical or verbal. I would then say be single for awhile after the divorce. Learn from the experience and give time for the wounds to heal.

  • What would you want your husband to do if the roles where reversed? I would imagine you would want to be given a chance instead of running off the second things slowed down. So if you go with this new guy what will happen then? I would guess that you'll grow bored and run off with some one else ( high probability seeing as how those who divorce are much more likely to divorce again). Your not in love with this guy, your infatuated. He is new your husband is old and so you are fixating on him because he is different new and "exciting". Now if you put the energy into your relationship with your husband as you have put into this new relationship your issues would be solved. Don't be a terrible human being and destroy your husbands life (because thats what your going to do, whether you wish to admit it or not). He has thus far managed to resist the urge to have sex with some one else, the least you can do is return the courtesy. Basicly cut off ties with this guy and take all of that energy you put into him, all the flirtying the thoughts all the things that created the relationship with him and make a relationship with your husband. Marriage isn't easy, it requires constant work and constant maintenance. Communication and effort which if your not doing in your current relationship your not going to do it in your next so the cycle will continue until you either can't find any one else or you realize the issue is you ie your projecting your feelings on to him rather then dealing with the monotony or unhappiness in your current relationship.

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    • Right on hellion! Anyone with half a brain will work on the marriage before taking the easy way out on some infatuation that more than likely will go nowhere. There is no going back either.

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    • Exactly! I agree with you 100%! Most people think that marriage will be perfect and will take no work... it will take work and it is not perfect, but it is worth it. That is pretty much what I wrote to help out the asker here too. I mean if you are going to have a backup plan if your marriage doesn't work, then why marry? You already are putting doubt into your marriage and you have to give it all you got in a marriage to make it work and like you said focus your energy on making what you have work.

    • @newlife1011 Precisely. A back up plan means you are only partially dedicated to your relationship which then in turn means your half assing it and thus dooming it to failure. I don't really understand why people don't realize this, I'm not even married nor have I had many relationships and I realize this.

  • I don't think itsnas simple as answering from the selection. As people we seek one truth in life happynes and how to obtain it. We need others to share our lives with and share there lives because happiness in truth is a shared experience. I'm marrage sometimes the happiness fades for many reasons some that are understood by all and others that can only be understood threw discussion. So before I can give you a good and legitimately true answer to your very difficult question I need to ask a few questions. Not to judge bit simply as to understand so you may have an answer that is best for you. The man your married to are you or do you still love him?

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  • I think you are not thinking this through. My assumption is that when you married, you knew your husband well and loved him. My guess is that you understood that you were taking a vow to forsake all others. If you are having problems with your husband, get into counseling and work them out. If you can't then divorce him. But, if you are into another man and want to leave your husband for the other guy, you have been dishonest. I am simply saying that your vow means you will work on your marriage in therapy (as it has gotten to a point you want to end it). If you take your vow seriously, you will work 100% on your marriage, and only then, if that fails, will you divorce (which is fine because then you will know you gave your all to your marriage before quitting). Marriage is not like dating, where you just walk out because it's not working or there is a better prospect. Your vow to forsake all others means that if you work on your marriage, you will cut this guy you have known for a few months out of your life like a cancer because this is what he is to your marriage. Think about how you would feel if your husband walked out and divorced you because he "fell in love" with another woman, and never talked to you about it nor tried to work on your marriage. You are a better person than this. Karma means your decision now will effect your fate in the future, because our actions reveal who we really are. One final thought, what kind of guy allows himself to fall in love with a married woman and encourages her to fall in love with him and walk out on her husband and her marriage? Do you really believe in your heart of hearts that he is going to be there for you if he finds a hotter, sexier, woman who falls for him? Nope. If he does not respect your marriage and your vow to your husband... he really has no respect for you and no integrity. Also, how can your husband or any man hope to compete with a guy you see romantically and breathes romance into your life with no responsibility and no obligation? This guy is there for the good times and is a seducer of a married woman. If you take your marriage vows seriously you need to fight 100% for your marriage before you walk out with a man whore.

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  • if you have kids then definitely stay with the husband, it's not worth it.
    cause the idea of you cheating with him (even not physically) while married to other man will affect his behavior and the way he looks to you and your actions in future !
    think wisely especially if you have kids !

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  • I know who you are muahahahahaha
    well whats so wrong about this one compared to the last one my kickboxing friend?

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  • Be contented, that is my advice, especially if your current man has shown you love.

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  • Sell your husband into slavery. If he's white they'll pay a hearty price and you and your new spouse will have plenty of cash, so you can use it to advertise to sell him too.

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  • With divorce being so easy, I don't see why it's a big deal to get married in the Western Society.

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  • I'm never getting married. I feel sorry for you guys who actually have to pick a wife out of that cesspit.

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    • Man I am never getting married too... I am way scared than ever.. I think I should start sleeping around and become a pick up artist.. most women think I have the looks anyways... So just start sleeping around or have friends with benefits

  • Divorce husband and make all the love you want with the other guy

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  • Aren't you a horrible wife

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  • So you love this other guy more than your current husband?

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What Girls Said 6

  • i voted a~ you made a promise to your husband that you would love him until death do you part. and, if you aren't at least a little bit willing to put the effort into your marriage, then you have broken that promise.

    if i were you, i'd cut off all contact with the other guy. cheating isn't just physical, and you may have already gone there; usually, this is a clue that your relationship with your husband is missing something, and you need to figure it out before you do the horizontal tango with your "friend".

    for tonight's homework~ i want you to think long and hard about what is missing in your marriage. has your husband's treatment of you changed? is he abusive? what does your friend provide you with, that your husband can't or won't?

    either way, good luck.

    -von

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  • Currently going through a very similar situation, but my husband is verbally abusive and pulled a gun on me in January; we've been matried for 14.5 years (thankfully no children). I know that this friend I have fallen for will likely not last, but the mere fact that I was able to fall in love with someone else tells me to divorce my husband, even if he was a nice guy.

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    • Pulled a gun on you? Yikes! I'm totally in favor of owning guns, but THAT is totally irresponsible behavior. I think if my wife did that to me, we'd have a date in court for a divorce and I would expect that from her if I did the same thing. Even if your close friendship doesn't last, it's someone you can lean on for emotional support. Your choice, but if it were me, I'd be working on being single again.

    • no one should stay in an abusive relationship. Find someone that is going to treat you like a lady with the respect that you deserve. Whose main goal is to make you happy.

  • seems like your husband doesn't give you what you want anymore, no need to be unhappy and stay with him.

    divorce. make sure this new dude really wants you and is not playing games, otherwise you'll end up alone

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  • Okay you fell in love with a new man... that is kinda bad. Like the ither people are saying there's something you're missing. Figure it out. What you going to do after 7 years with this new man and then all of a sudden ypu fall in love with another man again? Just think clearly. Flip roles. How would you feel? Dont be so..."easy"

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  • And people said "this doesn't happen" people said "it's unrealistic" people tried to make it cheating when it simply wasn't and things just happen 😌

    Anyways I think the lyrics to this song may be of service to you
    https://youtu.be/liHbsN0D-Zo

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  • well first make sure that is actually love and not because he is giving you attention more than your husband. I have been there,, a lot of times because our current SO doesn't pay attention to us we believe that the grass is greener somewhere else only to realize sometime later that the new one is actually as bad or worse than the one we left

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    • It's absurd that women think that "he's not giving me enough attention" justifies cheating.

    • @TwentySomething its also absurd that men taking women for granted. Every woman wants to feel loved and appreciated and if their SO ignores them for years then they will look somewhere else to fill the emptiness. I dont say cheat, the op wants to divorce her husband and be with the other man

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