How do you get over a breakup with someone you still love?

My fiancée and I love each other, but we are just not compatible in certain, very important ways. She is very religious. I'm not. I tried, but I'm just not a guy who can be the good, Catholic man she wants me to be.

She told me that she would wait for me, which made me feel even worse... How can I cope with this?

This was the first serious, long term relationship for both of us, and we were planning on getting married later this year...


Most Helpful Girl

  • How, SPECIFICALLY, is this schism affecting yr relationship?

    Is this an argument about potentially raising children one day? If that's what it is, then I could see that becoming a legitimate issue.
    If it's anything else, then, honestly, you two should be able to get over it.

    I am Catholic -- I go to Latin Mass every week -- but, at the end of the day, religion is a private conversation between me and God. My husband generally doesn't go to Mass with me, but, we have a mutual understanding there, and we see eye-to-eye on the role of religion (and/or lack thereof) in raising our children.
    I mean, our love is our love, and there's just no way I could see that sort of thing overcoming it.

    So, yeah... SPECIFICS?
    What VERY SPECIFICALLY is getting in the way here?

    • I am an artist. I don't believe that the human body is sinful. She feels that it should only be seen by a spouse.

      She called my art superficial. My art is my life. It's my creative outlet, and my gift from God.

      We want children, but I know that I can't afford it right now on one salary. I'm most likely infertile, anyways, and adopting is very expensive.

      I also struggle with chastity (masturbation).

      Every one of my closest confidants (people I trust) have told me that there are red flags all over regarding our compatibility... I've been sweeping my doubts under the rug for months, but I don't know if I can change who I am for her...

    • Show All
    • I get you, but... Love is meeting in the middle.
      Not meeting at the point where one person is already standing.

      Whether she's willing to compromise, here, will tell you absolutely everything you need to know about the long-term potential of this relationship.

      If you are the one doing ALL the compromising, then, not only will you be unhappy -- as you've already realized -- but, SHE will also be unhappy.
      Absolutely no woman in the world actually WANTS a man who capitulates to all of her demands. No woman in the whole wide world. If that happens, then -- as little as she may realize it at this point -- she'll lose a whole lot of respect for you, at least subconsciously.

    • The way to stop struggling with masturbation is to stop struggling. It's perfectly normal human behavior, like eating and sleeping.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Sorry, if she is determined to marry a Catholic, then you have to break up. You are fundamentally incompatible. Her notion of waiting for you is romantic but unrealistic. People don't just decide to be religious or non-religious. Most non-religious people have considered the evidence for god and found it unpersuasive. Do not marry this woman. You will end up living a pretend life. Find a woman who shares your non-religious viewpoint.

    • I am Catholic, too, but I wasn't raised that way, and it's starting to drag me down. I'm becoming more spiritual and less "organized religion"...

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What Girls Said 7

  • Time. Time is really the only thing that is going to help heal you. Keeping yourself busy in the meantime is going to help keep your mind off of it.

    You have to realize that you are making the right decision. You both are not compatible and it didn't work out.

    In time it will get easier.

  • Kudos to you for being honest with her, and more importantly, with yourself, about who you are. Trying to change who you are for someone else just makes both people miserable in the long run.

    Don't feel guilty... you did the right thing by letting her down easy. She will move on and find someone new who is more compatible. As far as feeling better and moving on? To quote Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall, "I'd recommend f#©k! ng."

    • I'm a virgin, as she is... I don't think I could just go out and get laid, and I'm not sure I would want to.

    • Well... sex isn't for everyone. If you don't partake in that, I'd recommend wine, and a good book. Not necessarily in that order. Try to remember that heartache is very real and very painful; acknowledge it. Get through it. It does ease up a little, so try not to let in consume you. Spend some time outdoors in the fresh air.

    • I crave human touch, though, and I'm going to be very lonely.

  • I told my husband hail satan and he still married me. He's very religious, but religion is stupid to me. In a relationship, it's important to have beliefs that separate you as an individual. If her belief and belief about religion are separate, so be it. I try not to mock him, he tries not to condemn me to hell. It's the little things that build up great tolerance.

  • let her go mate. it hurts like so much. you need to love her fro afar. its like your stopping her from being happy.

  • Take time off to reflect. Then throw yourself into your work.
    I'm facing something similar too. But I'm having a hard time trying to break up with him.

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What Guys Said 10

  • # Step 1
    The first thing I do is embracing I cannot switch off my feelings for her like a switch light. Recognising my inability to effect a desirable change is itself relieving.

    # Step 2
    I feel the hurtful feelings of breaking up rather than diverting attention from them. It doesn't matter if it takes a day, week or month. Diverting focus from the hurtful feelings only decelerate the recovery process.

    # Step 3
    I accept she is no longer with me, instead of nursing hope and fighting for her to come back. This is the biggest mistake I made in my first breakup. It only heightens the pain and prolongs the recovery process.

    # Step 4
    I focus on the good memories she brought to my life, and on things I would have loved to experience with her. This shifts my mind from hurtful to positive emotions. The mistake I made with my first breakup is I focused on her frailties to convince myself she wasn't beautiful enough. I was merely lying to myself because if she wasn't good enough I won't have been with her in the first place.

    # Step 5
    I remove items (e. g. clothes, cosmetics, pictures, etc.) that I associate with her. I also block and delete all her phone number, email address and other forms of communication like whatsapp, etc., including the contacts of some of her friends.

    # Step 6
    While carrying out the above five steps I engage quite a lot in activities, such as meditation, running, gym and strolling in the woods and park. I set important activities to do daily, and focus on completing them.

    # Step 7
    I draw inspiration from my first breakup. I flash my mind back and challenge my behaviours and thoughts. My world didn't crumble. I dated beautiful girls after that. I then flash my mind back to current breakup. It then suddenly changes my perspective, confidence and mood. It's like telling myself I have been through this before, and came out stronger 6 to 12 months after the breakup.

  • Unless the guys in your family are given to having late life religious conversions, you need to clearly and unequivocally end it with her so she will move on.

  • She already has a path she is on, if you cannot follow her, let her go.

  • You can't be someone that you are not. I hate people who would convert based on keeping their SO around. That's not accepting you for who you are.

  • I am sad to see this question, although I guess it was to be expected eventually. I don't think it's you who should sort out "your issues", considering your "issues" aren't actually issues. In your relationship, she is not willing to compromise, and she will most likely never change her views, and you will feel miserable; as preventing you from being yourself and feeling demonized for being yourself will never make you happy, and you won't change so that you will ever match her. Personally, I don't think it's a state you ought to not desire to follow.

    In the end, you have to make the decision: is the risk of being single better than feeling like you are bound to a person who won't appreciate you for you, and won't even truly accept you for what you believe to be you?

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