Is it just me who thinks that if a parent walks out of their child's life, they should stay out?

When I found out I was pregnant, my ex partner wasn't interested. He had a job lined up overseas and after that he had plans to go travelling and I understood that. That was his decision.
When he left, I didn't see or speak to him for over two years

I met my current partner when my daughter was 4 months old, I didn't expect it to be as instant as it was, the last thing in the world I was looking for was another relationship, nor did I expect him to be as good to my daughter as he has been. He has been absolutely incredible with her. She calls him dad now, and that's how she sees him.

When my ex changed his mind about wanting to be involved with her, it was hell for us all. He and I had to go through mediation, we went to court twice... it was the worst few months of my life, and he was a complete dick the whole time. He still is.
He got his visitation though, at the moment he sees her for six hours once a week... and, being completely honest, I hate him for it. I also hate that he tries to undermine my partner's relationship with her.
He wasn't there, he doesn't get to do that.

It really upset me how he was allowed to just barge back into her life. It's not fair on her that he gets to play revolving doors like that.
It also really annoyed me how the man who has always been there for her was basically treated as irrelevant. It shouldn't be like that.

If the courts are so in the interests of children, parents shouldn't be allowed to change their minds when it suits them. I also think that if step parents have been a child's life for a certain amount of time, they should at least be given some rights.

That's fair, right?


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What Guys Said 2

  • Hey! My Dad abandoned me when I was five. Didn't want any contact. Moved out until I was 10 years old and then sauntered back into my life like a Johnny come lately. Thing was, it was Mum that asked him to come in, I was 10 and lacked a strong father figure. So he did. Our relationship grew closer and then apart; it was sort of like a bit of a revolving door with Dad.

    Anyway. From five to ten Mum hated on Dad. Always negative things to say about him. She was hurting, I get that. My little ears were flexing and I heard all of it. I grew up despising the old fart, yet on the same line I sought his approval. Later on in life, perhaps my middle teens Mum and Dads relationship broke down further, and I ended up being used as fodder in a grown ups game.

    I get it. You want to protect your child from the uncertainty of this guy. He wasn't around, he did nothing to raise her and yet here he comes in all his blazing glory as he pushes your significant other off to the side like a waste of space. You want to hug her, protect her, bundle her up and never let any harm ever come to her.

    But you risk losing it all. Here's why. Imagine she's 20 and seeks out her father. Angry at her Dad for not being in her life she screams at him and cries and lashes out. Perhaps kicks him. DEMANDS an explanation (because biological does matter, trust me). And he said.. b. b. but your Mum never let me see you. I did try, I tried hard! She shouts NEVER!!, he says, look, here's the papers to prove it.

    What happens then? What happens when the daughter that you dearly love and only tried to protect walks home? Emotionally drained; her trust for you in absolute shatters. What do you say?

    Thing is. Kids are harder than we think. I think you should let him in and let her see the man that he is. There's nothing you can do about it. But when she's older; she'll think back. And she'll thank you so much for allowing her to see the man that he is. Good or bad. You see?

    It's so important that we judge for ourselves. Then we have no-one to kick out to when the time comes to reflect as an adult.

    I truly hope that helps :)

    • Hey.
      It sucks that you had to be put through that, and I hope you managed to repair, or can repair your relationship with your dad. If you want, or need to, that is.
      My dad walked out on my sister and I, but it different for me I guess, because I've never cared less about him.
      If it's important for you, I hope you have that.

      I'm not going to stop my daughter's dad from coming to see her, I legally can't anyway, we can only see how it goes. All I care about is making it as easy as possible for her.
      It is what it is.

      ... But I'm not going to be playing happy families with him anytime soon either. None of us are ready for that.

      Thank you though :)

    • I made peace with Dad. He's dead and I grew from it.

      I wish you well! There's definitely no easy solution :)

  • I kind of understand. I'm a parent myself where I get my kids once a fortnight for the weekend. Its been like that for over 5yrs now. But myself and my ex made sure that our kids weren't caught up in our breakup. We couldn't stand the sight of each other. But our kids came 1st in all of it. I do know where you're coming from. We're kind of friends now. We talk about our kids and general goings on.

    You HAVE to think what is in the best interests of your child. You might hate your ex but it's unfair on your child to be caught up in all of this. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do what is right for them.

    You deny your child to seeing their father they could grow up wanting to see them and it could backfire on you when your child comes of age and hears both sides of each persons story. Its unfair to the child to be a pawn in all this.

    Do what is right for your kids.

    • I have a lot of respect and admiration for parents who can find a way to get along despite everything they've been through.
      The difference for you guys though, is that neither of you walked out on your kids. If he'd been around and we'd simply broken up, things would be a lot different.

      The worst thing about all of this is my daughter being caught in the middle, and that's part of what makes me so angry with him. She was happy and settled before he came along.

      He has started to take her out for the day now, and when he comes around, we are civil. There is nothing I can do about how things are, and there is no point in making it worse.

      I just don't trust him. My concern is my child, and who's to say he's not going to change his mind again in another year or so? I worry about these things.

      It would be nice to think that in however long, we could all get along, but I just don't see it.

    • These are real fears that you have. You've done your bit by letting him see your child. I admire you for that.

      The choice is now his. He has to step up to the plate and be a dad. If he does decide to disappear again then you can honestly say that you gave him the chance to be a father. Then you can say to the courts etc that he walked away and disappeared. Any man can be a father. But it takes a true man to be a dad. I do honestly hope it works out for the sake of your child.

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