What is the best way to restore your self confidence after a break up?

Girlfriend dumped me and shattered my confidence into tiny little pieces.

So I went out got a new job, i am about start a long term career. Which restored a tiny bit of my pride and self esteem but it is not enough. Im still feel like an empty shell of my former self.

In what ways did you people get your self confidence back?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • It takes time.. that's a great first step though. Maybe start working out if you don't already? Once you start seeing progress its addicting lol and it's a great way to feel good about yourself.

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    • Yeah I know the feeling. It has been years since I worked out.
      I guess I should start working out again. Thank you for response. Much appreciated.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Remembering who you are and start realizing you're enough. In a long term relationship, you can begin to forget who you are as an individual. What your hobbies were, what your likes were. Things you did for yourself because it's what you wanted for yourself, without regard to whether or not it would get you girls or because your girlfriend wanted it. Basically, just get back to living again and finding your "soul" which is what any girl you've been with in the past was attracted to in the start.

    You feel like a shell of a person, because you used her or simply having a girlfriend or the relationship itself to define who you were. And now that it's gone you feel like you've lost your identity. Gonna drop some Lion King knowledge on you.
    "You have forgotten who you are. You are more than what you've become. You must take your place in the circle of life. Remember who you are"

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    • Thank you. You made me realise a lot of things. You were spot on. Very spot on. She actually mentioned that I lost something that she admired. I guess I really did lose my "self".

      Thank you again for spending the time responding to this. You really helped me :)

    • *nods*
      I'm on the tail end of this myself. Thought about it a lot. I think we forget it's not what we do that gets the girl, but who we are. We just lose sight of that.

      Anyways, best of luck to you brother

What Girls Said 40

  • Congrats on the job & new career- that's awesome!

    I've usually found that something like this works pretty well:

    1, For the first few days after a breakup - binge-watch appropriately sappy TV, listen to sad music & drink a lot.

    2, Whine to my best friends.

    3, If the breakup was mutual - I will cut down on communications & remove everything that reminds me of the person temporarily, like gather it in a box or something like that. If I really don't think I'm likely to ever want to interact with that person again, I'd throw/give away anything that reminds me of them.

    4, Pamper myself - personally, that involves spending a lot of time on games & buying fancy food, but whatever is a special treat for you works, I guess.

    5, make a list reminding of everything that you didn't like about the other person; list reasons why you were not compatible and are ultimately better off.

    6, make a list of all the people you know have thought you are hot stuff over the years. THAT is always a great boost of confidence for me.

    after those rather immature things I usually felt pretty close to being normal again... and I would throw myself into work/studies/hobbies as much as possible.

    Then I would walk around my environment and really open my eyes to those people who really like me, are kind to me, maybe even find me attractive. It really helped me to feel confident again to know that even if my ex thought I wasn't interesting, smart, popular or funny enough for him, there were still plenty of people who thought I was fine how I was.

    It does take time, though. One step at a time, all the best to you!

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    • I just remembered that after one particularly bad break-up, I actually went to a psychologist bcause I felt so down about myself & lost in life. It really helped.

  • some of mine might be too girly for you but it can at least give you some ideas. i went through an awful breakup about a year ago. i started working out almost everyday, branching out and making new friends (through my classmates but you could try making friends at the new job) and doing girls nights and wine nights and stuff, and really just investing in myself and pampering myself. i felt terrible for a few months but i got the best advice from one of my friends - just be really selfish and all about you and your happiness. i dyed my hair, got my nails done all the time, went shopping. the exercise i think helped a lot to get my self esteem back. just do anything and everything that makes you happy, no matter how ridiculous or selfish or whatever. i hope this helps. best of luck, i know you can get through it! good luck with the new job!

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  • I think I am just gonna hide myself in my bed and cry it out and than watch sad romantic movies and cry when the guy dies!

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  • surround yourself with people and things that make you happy. listen to music, play a sport, redecorate your bedroom... anything, really. and, of course, cry it out for as long as you need to; there is no timeline for grief.

    me? i wrote poems. i threw myself into writing and cut ties with the toxic people in my life. it sounds like your new job is working for you, so maybe explore some options related to it/that field.

    good luck!

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  • Do things that make you happy and keep reminding yourself that you're the bomb. Eventually someone will come along and confirm to you that fact. However, this does not mean you need someone to feel whole. You have friends, family, hobbies so just enjoy all that. Your girlfriend shouldn't be your source of confidence because confidence comes from yourself.
    Good luck!

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  • The best way to restore confidence is to do things you enjoy. Throw yourself into your hobbies and interests. Take a new class, learn some new skills and work on something you've been putting off. Once you accomplish something, you will feel so much better!

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  • I am so sorry that she left you feeling this way! 🤗 That's a hug! Unfortunately, it will take time. We have all been there. Starting your long term career is a great start! Congratulations! Maybe take up a hobby, get a pet, do something that brings you joy and makes you feel good!.

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  • Hang out with friends a lot! Get a pet. Work as much as you can. Music really helps😊

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  • I know the feeling! I recently went through a break up and when it ended I just sat there and thought "what do I do now?" Know that you'll be fine, and that you are the SAME person when you were with her. Yes your confidence might have gone up when you were with her and now that she's not there it might feel like it's gone. But taking away Superman's cape doesn't make him not Superman. You'll find your way, get back to the small things you used to do. Hang out with friends or pick up a hobby, start something new on your own.

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  • I know what you're feeling :( what I did was tried to delete and remove everything in my life that would make me think of that person more than I had to. I also tried to busy myself with work and friends to help distract the way I felt. But in the end, as cliche as it seems, time is the only real solution. You just need to distract yourself for a little while and eventually, you won't need to anymore :)

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  • Hang out with friends so you don't feel like a loner, create a dating profile to boost your ego so you know that you're plenty attractive and your ex is just crazy for not realizing it, and most importantly exercise or hit up the gym because not only will you start improving your looks but the endorphins really help perk your mood up.

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  • Go out, make more friends, start seeing someone else. There are plenty of nice people out there, who would love to know you so just put yourself out there and your self confidence will come back to you once u realized what she said does not matter. People say a lot of things when their anger, things that may not be true, things that they don't truly mean, its just a way of taking their anger out. You should not take things like that to your heart. Love and appreciate yourself because the only person you can always relay on is yourself, other people come and go. Don't wait for someone to make you happy, find happiness in yourself, in what you do, in what you desire. Good luck with your career, keep yourself motivated!

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  • I think you should go out and meet new people, Flirt with some chicks... you will gain it back in sometime.

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  • Work on the other areas of your life that make you feel happy and fulfilled - friends, family, hobbies and talents.

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  • Hang out with your guys hit on a girl just enjoy life you'll get there

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  • It takes time. A lot of time.

    I broke up with my guy of 4 years about 2 months ago and I can only say now that I'm starting to feel better, and we had a very gentle breakup.

    I hit the gym, hard. Working out and seeing a positive change in your body makes you feel so much better about yourself. I also eat much better. I think it's just important to surround yourself with your friends and let yourself be sad, it's natural. Spend time doing things that make you happy and you'll feel better with time.

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  • Making friends, flirting, accomplishing things (no matter how small), and for me personally, it was coming up with puns and jokes (and sometimes a cheesy one-liner); I could make others giggle or laugh, so it really helped me get my confidence back.

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  • Doing things for yourself. spending time facing the facts and learning who you are as an individual again. it can be hard after you've been with someone for so long because you are with them so much that you don't focus on yourself. its hard to remain an individual in a long term relationship so when you're out of it it takes a while to become yourself again. but it will happen.

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  • Just be awesome! Get out, have fun, do what makes you happy. Remember that you were a complete person before you met this girl and you still are now! Take stock in yourself and always focus on the positives. Try to improve on your weaknesses but moping and feeling bad about yourself only makes things worse. Be happy now! Make a conscious effort to try to do so every day. Before you know it, you will be again.

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  • Work out - go to gym, run whatever your thing is - a lot. Gets rid of stress and you'll feel better about yourself. But it takes time to get over a serious relationship. But this will help.

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  • Go back to doing things you used to do. Hang out with friends. Just get back on track.

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  • Rumor has it a ONS will help.

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  • Exercise!

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  • I belive the best way is to improve yourself: do some snall things maybe your appearance (hairstyle, weight, clothes,... etc), your job (salary, position,...), your relationship with friends, family,...

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  • "Feel like an empty shell of my former self"
    I know the feeling. *gentle hugs

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  • Exercise

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  • Write down all the good qualities about yourself and say them outloud.

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  • Talk to your best friend... female friend.. My male best friend helped build my confidence after a devastating breakup... Im back to normal now but it took a whole year...

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  • I'm wondering the same thing.

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  • Realise that the dumper is a narcissist and that they don't feel like normal people, which means that nothing and no one will ever make them happy. That should make you feel better!
    Plus karma gets them back. Just sit back and enjoy the show.

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What Guys Said 47

  • well there are body goals and getting a hot ass new chick that blows your girlfriend out of the water

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  • awsome question! What it says about you is you have a "heart", some guys don't. This hurt happens to all of us who have our hearts attached and have a loss, or are rejected.

    1. Take time to process that relationship... a breakup is a brain injury (chemically or physically even), so take time to heal. Ask.. what did you learn about yourself, about women in general that is helpful, about her and her flaws? Why were you attracted to her (attraction is often in the subconscious)... is it possible you were attracted to wrong type of person, etc.. Seriously, get a relationship counselor, it is worth your $ if you can spare it and invest in yourself. Its key so you don't drag baggage and wounds into next relationship or start acting out and doing to others what was done to you (bad human behavior). The big win... if you have some major learnings, you got something out of this to take forward. Victory!!
    2. work on your boundaries to protect yourself. what are things you'll do, what pace, won't do, how will you treat someone else. this is to protect your inner self from the desirous outer self and peer pressures. be careful taking advice from people who don't have your value system.

    3. Do things you enjoy and take little victories and amplify them. Get in shape at the gym... not for women.. for yourself so you feel good about yourself.

    4. read on relationships and learn something new, women will value that. This site isn't half bad, but suggest getting some books.

    5. read "Confidence for Dummies" or something like it. some good stuff in there.

    6. cleanup the messes. you did good on your job. house and car in order... just feels good to have order.
    7. realize it may be a blessing in disguise she moved on. Want references for the guys I know who are miserable in their relationships:)? choose wisely.
    8. a good opportunity to grow closer to your creator, the ultimate source of Love for the human soul. I learned a ton out of Genesis 2-3 Bible that I never saw before after prior relationship.

    It hurts being rejected. You want to get to where you are confident, emotionally stable person, financially stable, you are good without a woman but you want one... that's healthy. Girls will be attracted to that. There are no guarantees in this world, your going to have losses...

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  • Never an easy process getting over somebody. You just got to do the things you love go to the gym , buy new clothes and meet new people (live life ) . It's hard as my ex girlfriend just left me best thing to do is cut contact and get the most out of life take on new challenges anything just do it. Focus on your career smash it. Be the best you can possibly be at everything over time she will drift out of your mind. And it will leave her in the opposite mindset as she'll look at you and you'll be this amazing guy who's living life and highly ambitious. Whilst she's leaving every guy when times get rough and wasting her life away or looking for something that she will never find. Confidence is something you will gain through time hit the gym and get new clothes is the first step my friend.

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  • Bro to be honest with you, its not just about confidence. Its also more about what you think about yourself. My ex girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me and said many things that brought my confidence all the way to the floor, she literally just made me feel like i was a piece of shit. I started going to the gym and tried to do what i loved doing yet i was still feeling empty and i felt bad and it just wasn't a good feeling. As time went by someone told me to stop thinking about what she said to me. Because those things that she said i took them so serious when you just shouldn't. So i decided to stop caring about what she said i went out hooked up with another girl to make my self better and prove my self that i could find another girl if i wanted to. And slowly i started doing everything i wanted to do and i realized that the things she said the self esteem i had wasn't the problem. The problem was that i was so worried about ehat she was thinking and her thinking i wasn't good enough was killing me and i hit that point where i was like fuck it. she's just 1 person out of all the friends that like me and help me grow as a person and i ended up gettin over her :) so dont think about what she thinks she's in the past enjoy your life hang out eit friends do what you like

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  • - I ceased all communication with my ex-girlfriend
    - I deleted her from everywhere
    - I reduced the contact with her family & friends, till they got the message that I'm out
    - I started to go out for long walks to keep myself healthy and lose some weight in the process
    - I started rekindling with my old hobbies, reading books, seeing movies, video-games, animating, making music videos etc

    You would gain your confidence back in due time, don't rush the process just take each day as a one step forward to your goal.

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  • You are doing well just keep doing your best to be happy. It's putting on some ankle weights. It's annoying and hard at first but in time it will feel like nothing. It's just a matter of time. When your confidence gets rebuilt from the shattered pieces you will be so much better off than you were before. Like I said at the beginning you can do this by pursuing things you enjoy. Try to find something new you enjoy this will start a new side quest in your life and it will help overshadow your break up. when you look back you will remember the joy of your new activity and not the sting of your break up, Staying busy will also keep your mind off of things while you get used to the weight. At some point these weights will come off and you will fly forwards.

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  • That's awful man. Try to internalize that she just isn't meant for you, it was an obvious mismatch and not the right fit. Doesn't mean she is less of a person, doesn't mean you are less of a person.
    With that, try to live life to the fullest, work out, pursue hobbies and spend time with friends, meet new people and start dating ASAP, just move on in life like nothing happened.

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  • Get out there and have a rebound fling? It'll remind you that people will find you attractive and desire you.

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  • I think it just takes time - Hopefully soon you will find yourself feeling more confident and getting back out there - My advice is don't overthink it and if you do think about don't just think about the things that have your self confidence at a low point, think about the things that boost your confidence as well.

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  • Phoned a long lost girlfriend or gal friend to talk it out & give her support for things that failer her... we all crash into accidents.
    Took on work no others would have - the kind that interfere with a normal life
    Began dance lessons that didn't require a dedicated partner to come with - THIS was the hardest to swallow BUT the BEST solution to all my problems, wish I had done this before and my fallout would have been less

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  • Getting laid.

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  • We'll. My way is probably the worst way possible but basically I throw a giant rager house party do lots of drugs and drink as much boose as I can without dying and the liqour will give you confidence to get laid atlest attempt to lol. then spend the next 2 days a belergant drunk then after that cry for a day or 2 then I'm normally back to normal amd live a drug free life and only drink a handful of drinks once a month and find a new girl lol

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  • You have to look at reality.

    Do you actually need to improve yourself? If so, do it.

    Or was your girlfriend being irrational? If so, recognize that fact.

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  • Improve yoruself.

    Getting a new job is a state. Start exercising, whether you take up a sport, or the gym, or a martial art - improve yourself.

    Learn a new skill, something you enjoy.

    Above all, forget about her, don't follow her social media or have any contact with her!

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  • Exercises
    winning games
    getting a new girlfriend

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  • You do what you love and love what you do :)
    Ask yourself why she fell in love with you, why people love you, write it all down if you have to

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  • Hmm there are lots of great comments. I always think that a change of scenery helps, it helps you get out of your shell. Traveling and staying in hostels did that for me, but its up to you

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  • You were in a relationship, you have all the confidence you needed, the girl who left you, who cares, get her out of your mind.

    People who have never dated or been in a relationship like myself need to find it

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  • understanding yourself will help you build self confidence.
    It sounds like you need to feel whole again, you mentioned your confidence feels shattered.
    work is important but you have noticed another need is lacking.
    what do you get from your girlfriend and vica versa. some people say our sexuality is the key to understand our hearts. if this is so then perhaps learning to love your emotional part, to nurture youself for any difficult feelings you experience? this has been helping me with my self confidence.

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  • How to restore confident? The same way you gain it : Fake it till you make it =)

    For a self-esteem booster, exercise worked for me.

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  • The end of a relationship should not affect your confidence.
    Carry on with life. Their loss, not yours.

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  • Improve yourself physically and mentally. Go meet girls to maintain your social skills and go apply for a gym membership.

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  • Keep moving and evolving. We've all been there. It's hard and hurts like hell. However, you will get through it.

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  • Just get out and do stuff, I'll tell you from experience that it sucks to just sit around. You just have to strap up your boots and get along with your life

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  • Not sure I'm on the outs and possibly down this same road as you. Don't feel like everything was your fault, women aren't perfect either I'm sure she screwed up a good amount too

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  • You should keep yourself busy in useful things in free time, like sports, gym etc. Do whatever you can so you think of her very little. You should start talking to others girls and you should find a new girl and have a positive attitude toward your life.

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  • excercise but use women as the cardio machine.

    its good for the heart, and mind/emotionally trust me.

    therse a reason why hot chicks are hopeless serial daters

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  • Confidence? People actually lose trust in others after break ups not confidence. Are you're sure you are talking about confidence?

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  • It can take time but you just need to keep telling yourself your strengths. That and stay busy and surrounded by people you know love you.

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  • Have sex with a hooker.

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