We were together 3 years. I knew I wanted to date him long before we talked. He made me so happy for so long. We had the same interests. I saw the love he had for me in his eyes. In the beginning he seemed kinda distant. Not too interested in what I had to say. He never took me on dates. I had to be the one to do so. I drove him everywhere for years till he got his license which he still made me drive afterwards. He got a job eventually and we moved in together. He payed half the bills, and groceries. He did make dinner for me a lot. He did his own laundry. He also took care of my puppy. He didn't help clean too often though. He always complained about not having enough money but didn't do anything about it. Or find a job that wasn't minimum wage. Most of the time if he bought me dinner he would say I owed him. Had to pay him back with $ or sexual favors. He always put his friends before me and let his family say mean things about me. If I ever said anything about it to him he got mad at me. While together we never had sex. We had tried countless times. It hurt me pretty bad. I think now that maybe it had been because he wasn't the nicest to me I just wasn't attracted to him enough. I told him we needed lube and eventually he bought some. A week before breaking up he told me he'd rather watch Netflix than try that night. I broke up with him because he put more down more than he made me happy. It got to the point where he started hitting me. Also once a week he would sleep over his guy friends. He HAD TO every week. I don't know what the draw was there. I found it weird. When we broke up he left and went to live with this friend of his. He wouldn't talk to me or anything. The breakup has been affecting me bad lately. I have nightmares about him all the time. It freaks me out that he will sleep with someone probably soon and I couldn't have been the one to make him feel nice. I don't know why that bothers me.
I stopped taking my birth control the day he left. My hormones have made it impossible to heal. I cry at random moments. I have panic attacks all the time. I can hardly eat. My family is despressed that I'm not getting better. My mind keeps telling me I want to see my ex and maybe everything will be alright. I know he wouldn't answer though. Also I would be putting myself lower if I did so. I just can't figure out what's wrong with me to make him hurt me so bad.