I have the knowledge know to understand why I feel the way I do now. I know that after having that friend in my life for 7 years, my brains happy place is to constantly be talking to her about the things I love and the things that bother me... everything. I mean fuck... at some point I thought she was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with for various reasons. Now that I've been studying more and more the lingering thoughts of her are more down to a science than they are a longing for her. Why we pushed each other away, what made us both treat each other like shit... I need to understand that. I need to find a way to fix it not just for myself. I can't stand the thought of 2 people as close as we were to do that to each other because of the way their brain works.
I love her yet I hate her, I want her to be happy yet I just want to go up to her to say "FUCK YOU". Depression sucks, I have no idea where my emotions are and all that I can think about is killing myself because I think that would make me happy. But what about everyone else? I'm smart, I won't try to say I'm not, I know I am. I know I'll find a way to help people who've known nothing but sadness their whole life find happiness. What's going to happen if I ever fix myself though, will I lose my drive to help everyone else? If it wasn't for her and all this suffering I probably wouldn't want this for my life. So I don't know if I'm better off this way or not.
God dammit, I fucking hate being human.