My husband has cheated several times and I asked for a divorce and he says he doesn't want one but I don't think my heart can trust that he will do right. Is it true that once a cheater is always a cheater and he'll never change? What should I do I don't wanna give him my whole heart again, is it wrong to ask to see what messages and pictures he sent on his phone? Keep in mind we have 5 kids and have been married for 12 years.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • honetly I don't know about once a cheater always a cheater, cause ok I'm not married and I'm just 20, but I've with this guy for 4 years, the 1st year, I found some txt msgs in his phone from girls saying I miss you, u're hot etc.. and 6months later I found some pics of an older woman than him practically naked.. ok I shouldn't had sneaked in his phone but he did it first, with no reason to mine, I found out and decided to take 'my revenge', like a kid, but unfortunately I on the other hand got some bad news. anyways it's ben 3 years since then and haven't really got anything from him that he might still be cheating, though he does show that he 'admires' other women, like rihanna for ex, and ok I like johnny depp but I don't rub it in his face like he does it.. so I don't know.

    but my parents did divorce when I was 6 bcz of my father's cheating, whom he eventually secretly married and secretly got a kid with, well when I was 6, I didn't understand anything, and don't even rememebr, except that my father kicked us out of the house me, my mom and brother and had to move to another country. I actually realised everything when I was 9, when my step-siter came along and was shocked, and no I still haven't forgiven my father's mistakes, and don't want want to have any relationship with my step-mother. so please do what is the best for the kids, don't mess them up, especially if they're at a young age..

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    • Well he does have another child that happened since we got married. My youngest 3 are 2yr old triplets and his son from the other woman is 3. I believe in unconditional love and have tried to give that to him but I don't know if that's enough to go on together. He says he will not give me a divorce because he wants to stay with me and he will change but I don't know.

    • I guess you could wait and see if he does eventually chenge for the best. I completely understand you about unconditional love, plus the fact that you have 3 little angels to take care of, just always keep the little ones in mind, they are too young to realise, but when you grow older, you remember stuff you which you didn't.. good luck to u

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What Guys Said 3

  • Wow, first of all I feel for you and your children. You've described a very serious situation and the last thing anyone can tell you is what's best for you and your family, so please take my words and the words of others with some caution.

    I congratulate you on taking positive steps to resolve your situation by asking for a divorce even if he said no. Also the fact that you know you can't take anymore is important, many people never come to that conclusion,so good for you.

    When it comes to your husband I would have to say that people can change, but based on what you've said he doesn't seem to be one of them. A man who cheats and changes will give you signs that he's changing or changed his ways. He won't have to say he's changing and you won't want to check his phone because you'll know that he's changing, you'll feel it.

    On one hand I want to say leave him because you can do bad by yourself, but I don't live your life, you do, and you have to do what's best for you and your family. But here's the thing, you're an intelligent strong woman or else you wouldn't have come this far, so I'm sure you will make the best decision for you.

    On the other hand I also feel that what you should do is get all your ducks in a row. Plan, plan, plan, so that if you decide to make a move you will be prepared. Don't make an emotional decision because that might make things more difficult for you, so prepare your departure, just in case you should need to, but keep in mind you will have to make a decision to stay or go. Just know that many women with children have gone it alone, and it may not be easy, but its possible. What you should do is seek some counseling. Try speaking to your family doctor for advice. Speaking to you for your mental health is also what they're trained to do.

    As for seeing his phone its cool to ask, but any cheater worth his player card will delete any evidence of infidelity, or even go to greater lengths by purchasing another phone just for their extra-curricular activities. Besides once you start down that road of checking him phone, then it will be his email, his wallet, his pockets, etc,. Basically, where does it stop. Try to resist this because it will only lead you deeper down the road of suspicion.

    Lastly, you have to make sure that leaving him is what you want, so please don't make threats that you're not prepared to carry out. I say this because it sounds like he might continue to cheat and if not now at some point you might be forced to make the decision to leave. I personally am not a believer in staying together for the children's sake. If mama isn't happy your house will never be. Your children need to be happy, but so do you, remember that.

    I sincerley wish you the best. Speak to someone like your doctor or pray about it. I'm a spiritual person, so I rely on my spirituality in times of crises, but I also rely on what's best for me, you need to do the same.

    Hope this helps,

    Rudes

    My blog: therudeawakening7.tumblr.com

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    • Thank you first of all for your kind words, secondly we have a family plan for our phones so I always see the calls or numbers he has texted. I have the papers I just haven't filled them out or filed them he said he wants to try but I have them just in case my decision is to leave. Also I am spiritual as well so I have and will continue to pray.

  • Asking for a guys phone can be kinda abrasive so be gentle. If my girlfriend asks for mine I'll let her see it, just don't ream him for any calls or slightly flirty txts. If my girlfriend TAKES my phone from me it makes me furious. Very disrespectful. Once a cheater always a cheater? Maybe. I think so honestly. Some people just don't have great self control. Such as I despicably cheated once, but I know what I did was wrong and felt bad, if its happened more then once.. expect it more often then not.

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    • Yeah I know asking for the phone is a touchy subject but he sends text messages all the time and pictures and I want to see them since he says he is done cheating and doesn't want a divorce. He also says that he loves me and just wants this to work.

  • A leopard doesn't change its spots, on the other hand have you ever heard of the expression "staying together for the kids"?, if he continues to provide for you and your children, acts as a good role model, goes to work, pays the bills, you could put up with it until the kids are older say 18. Its a difficult decision, it will also put you in a worse off postion financially, you will have to maintain two households. Can you be happy with him, notwithstanding the infidelities or is the situation irrevocable. What do you want, do you want to walk away, and raise the children by yourself, or do you want an in house seperation or divorce. The trust will never be the same, you know he has cheated and he probably will again you don't need to see the phone. You can't control him, you can't make him stay, you can divorce him and part ways, think about the cost of divorce, affect on the children, their futures as as yours its a difficult decision.

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What Girls Said 4

  • Firstly, I am so very sorry that you and your children are going through this. And congratulations for loving yourself enough to attempt to move forward from someone who is hurting you and disrespecting your vows. With that said, I know what you are going through is harder than I can imagine.

    Will he ever change? Probably not, not if you stay with him. As terrible as it sounds, people really DONT know what they have until it is gone. As long as you stay with him, its like a tacit condonning of this affairs and they will continue. If he doesn't stand to lose anything, then why stop. I wish I could say that 12 years of marriage and 5 children could be enough to make him turn over a new leaf... However, he decided on this lifestyle knowing full well the lives he stood to effect and he did what he did anyway... So, reminding him of your vows or your children is likely not going to effect him.

    What MIGHT work is a little "scared straight." This means you leave. Do not look back, do not expect him to chase you. Just go. Pick up your children and walk AWAY. Is this a permanent situation? Not necessarily, but you will have to be prepared for it to be. I know that this is easier said than done, but he really may need to understand life without you in order to understand who he needs to be in order to be with you. Does that make sense?

    As far as "once a cheat, always a cheat"... I think this is true, but its not just about cheaters. This is a standard for all people. Once you have crossed a line; once you have pushed through a new space and come out on the other side no worse for the wear, it becomes easier and easier to cross that boundary again and again. Lies beget lies and cheating is just another way to lie. Once a person cheats, they have to deal with themselves and their actions in the aftermath. If they can do it once... they can do it again. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

    I really hope you find the clarity that you need and get some answers. I know that strangers can help by adding a non-biased opinion ... but this decision is ultimately about you and your happiness... the happiness of your children... the health of your marriage. Good luck to you...=)

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    • Thank you for your response and I don't know yet if I will be able to take care of my children alone I do accounting,bookkeeping and taxes but only have one client since I started my business but only time will tell.

  • I will be honest with you. He will NEVER change. He will continue to cheat. What you need to ask yourself is this. Are you capable of surviving without him financially? Although you will be entitled to alimony and child support, nevertheless it may not be enough to sustain your children's lifestyle. Emotionally, you will NEVER be happy. Trust me, once he feels that you're not going anywhere for the sake of the children, his cheating habits will be a lot more BOLD and VISIBLE!...and depending on how demanding his mistress is, he may one day actually LEAVE you. I have seen this situation many times before. Wife gets cheated on...wife becomes bitter...wife gets dumped for mistress...wife becomes even MORE bitter! Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect it. Life is hard. Therefore decision-making is complicated! But if you will be OK financially, then the final decision will have to be left up to you.

    My parents divorced when I was 12 years of age. I was sad. But I got over it. As I grew older, and looked back to when they were married, I knew my mom was never happy being married to my father. When they divorced, I swear my mom became rejuvenated again. She was always smiling, happy, and in good spirits! It's as if someone gave her a magic key, and unlocked the door of misery. Children are more perceptive than adults give them credit for. If you choose to stay married and unhappy to an unfaithful husand, you'r kids will SEE IT! But good luck! If you decide to stay with him, let it be YOUR choice. No one is judging.

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  • Oh, wow. First of all, I really feel for you. I don't know that I could make your decision, but I will tell you my opinion on how I would look at things if I were in your position...I don't think he will change. If he's cheated several times, he is going to keep doing it. So your decision is whether to stay with him or leave him. Personally, I wouldn't even take into consideration the fact that you've been married for 12 years. My focus would be completely on the kids. If you were to get a divorce, would you be able to care for them (financially and physically) alone? I assume some of them aren't in school yet, so child care would have to be in place for you to work. Plus, can you afford to pay for a place big enough for the 6 of you? But then again, if you stay together for the kids, will you both be visibly miserable? Even if you try to put on a brave face and act as if nothing is wrong, keep in mind that kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. You don't want your children to be deeply affected by either decision you make, so definitely keep that in mind when you are deciding what to do. I'd be happy to give you my email address if you would like to talk further. Wishing you the best and hoping things work out!

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    • I would love to have your e-mail address as I don't have many friends either. Thanks for your comment it does help.

  • As much as it hurts I think you have to make a decision. Either get rid of him so you can be happy or stay together because maybe the kids will be happier if you are together. However, will the kids really be happier just because you are together, or will they be happier if you are both happy. Going through a divorce may be hard on everyone for a small time...but in the future it could be a possibility for everyones happiness.

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