Hurt my boyfriend, will I get him back?

my boyfriend dumped me 3 weeks after his mate rung him up and told him I was flirting with a guy in bar and dancing provocatively with him - his mate said to him 'if that was my girlfriend I would dump her'. I did tell this guy I had a boyfriend, but he was drunk and wouldn't leave me alone, maybe I was flirting a little but wasn't dancing provocatively with him! well...it must of been eating away at him cos he stopped saying he loved me and he broke up with me 3 weeks later, saying he didn't love me anymore. We have had contact since, we even met up a few days after, and he asked for a hug a few times and asked to hold my hand under the table. Its been 7 weeks since then, we have had occasional contact, and he has tried to contact ME twice by calling me but I refused to talk to him because he said it was over and it was just going to bring me more heartache if I kept hearing his voice. So I have just been responding by text messages, I said to him, if you don't want me, then please don't contact me. He agreed it was unfair on me, and that he just wants to be 'good friends'. Next day I text him and agreed to be good friends cos I thought I would rather have him in my life than not at all. I said however, that I don't want him to text and ring ME, cos that would mess with my head..it would confuse me...so I said 'just let me contact you for now'. And I haven't really. Just the odd text wishing him good luck for a test etc. apart from that, I have been so strong and give him lots of space.

its been 7 weeks. Is he just hurt and will need lots more time? Or is REALLY over? Shall I show I am truly committed to him and him only, and wait around? Trouble is, if I date other guys, it will get back to him. I don't know what to do, kind of feel in limbo even though he has spelled it out quite clearly. I have a strong gut instinct that he will change his mind.

Its my birthday in a week, and I said a few weeks ago, that there wasn't any hard feelings and I would still love him to come. but I don't know whether, by inviting him, that I am inviting drama or setting myself up for rejection? or could this be an opportunity for us both to see each other again and 'test the water' as it were/see how the land lies.

could I have advice on the whole situation?

Thanks guys

x


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Most Helpful Guy

  • how long where you together? you hurt him so you know he has feelings for you. the friend he has, is not a friend. a friend would tell him what happens and then he would ask him to take it easy and talk to you. have you done this before? did this guy ask you to sleep with him? did you give him your number?

    ok you flirt a little bit but who cares. it is not something that was going on for a long time. not even feelings involved. you should tell him that you are really sorry, ask him to to get over it. there is no need to ask for forgiveness cause you didn't do anything. maybe "i am sorry, I am not going to do this again" should be enough. if he is whining and whining about it. f*** him.

    Let me make it clear, what you did was wrong, he had the right to be upset, just not for so long and especially not break up with you.

    Dating another guy will end it with this one.

    what I think you should do is to call(or text) him and tell him you want to meet. talk to him about it tell him that you know what you did is wrong, and that you are not going to do it again. point out that this was a one time thing there where no feelings involved. don't blame the other guy only, take some responsibility too ( you are responsible about this anyway). then tell him how much it hurts you to feel that you hurt him so much, and that you miss him and you only want to be with him. at this point he is like a baby, cause YOU MADE HIM LIKE THAT. if he doesn't take you back tell him that you asked online and show him my answer.

    A neutral person opinion is very important!

    if you don't want to tell him to look at my answer, tell him to get a neutral person opinion. someone who doesn't know you or him

    hope I helped. let me know

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    • We were together for 2 years. Ah I hate to admit it, but yea, I kinda have done it before, I was out with him one day for a friends bday, I got a little drunk, wondered off, and he found me chatting to some guy!!! I do STUPID things when I am drunk but let me tell you, boy have I learnt my lesson!! No I didn't give him my number. So you think I should call or text him? I just feel like I am demeaning myself but I feel like I haven't tried hard enough!! If he won't meet me, I guess that's it!?

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    • Well, I sent a Facebook message out to my friends about my birthday and I included him. and today I got a text from him saying 'hey I got your message about your bday and sorry but I'm not coming, it would be too awkward and I think you would have a better time if I wasn't there. Maybe we could catch up the following week, up to you'. Guys - what does this mean?! he doesn't want to come to my birthday but is asking to meet up, or in his words 'catch up'. do you think he only want 2 meet as mates?

    • He is right it is going to be awkward. I thought the problem was to meet with him. If you didn?t answer already, tell him that it is ok with you to meet next week and that you want to see him as well. Don?t say I miss you or anything like that. Wait to say those things when you see him. Obviously the guy doesn?t want to get over you. He just wants to know if you care for him. Open up and tell him how you feel when you see him. if he doesn't do that first :)

      Good Luck

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 6

  • First thing, that friend of his played you and he manipulated his friends feelings. Why didn't he walk over and say what's up? He couldn't see that the guy was drunk? It's not always easy to get away from someone who's drunk, and if he was really a friend he could have came over and that could have been a way for you to get away. But no, he just watched and assumed the worst. And then he goes and tells his friend that if that was his girlfriend that he would dump her? To me, that sounds like for whatever reason, he wanted you gone.

    I think it is clear that your ex still has feelings for you, but his feelings are hurt and this friend of his is probably whispering things in his ears that isn't helping the situation. I think you need to reiterate to him that you wasn't out sneaking around on him, and that this guy was drunk, wouldn't leave you alone, and dancing with him was the only thing you could think of to get away from him. And, that even though you didn't mean to hurt him, that you're sorry that you did and that you want to give the relationship a second chance. You should also throw in there that if his so called friend was really a friend, that he would have come over to see what's up and help you out.

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    • You see I have apologised - but I don't want to over-apologise cos surely that makes you look guilty! I know I shouldnt of flirted - and I keep beating myself up over it and 7 weeks later I still feel so unsettled - I blame myself and will do for a very long time I think! You say ' it is clear that you ex still has feelings for you' - what makes you say that? Just out of curiosity? I have said to him that I am sorry and wouldn't happen again. but it hasn't changed his feelings! thks 4 ur help

    • You said he kept calling and texting you and that you had to tell him to stop because it was all confusing you. If someone is really through with you, they are not going to bother to call and text you. You had to tell him to stop and made it clear that you will be the one doing the contacting. So yes, I do think he still feels something.

  • Also, you said in another comment that you did this another time while drunk. That's what happens, people do dumb stuff while intoxicated. That's why people stop drinking. They do stuff that they would never do while sober and it gets them in trouble. They stop drinking and everything is fine. Bottom line though, you didn't mean to hurt him and honestly, you shouldn't beat yourself up or blame yourself because he is also being a little bitch as well. You had no intentions with the guy. You've made that clear. If he still wants to act all hurt about it and listen to what his friend says, then move on and let him and his friend enjoy themselves.

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  • This guy just sounds like a cry baby that did whatever his mate told him to do. You don't need someone like that.

    Oh yeah, it's also over.

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  • number one, if you're so troubled by this to go on here to ask for advice, you should NOT be ignoring his calls. I'm trying to be respectful to you right now btw lol. number two, common truth. guys hate it when girls dance with other guys, and the way people dance nowadays, especially at bars, is nothing short of provacative. it doesn't seem like you were understanding enough to him, guys can be hurt too, and the flirting thing needs to stop, absolutely. show him somehow you can be the girl to sit down on a friday night, not drink, and watch a movie with him or something. guys don't like partiers, generally I don't think. its just my opinion tho! don't be upset! I hope it works out for you.

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    • Well I invited him to my bdday night out (I included my on a group Facebook message for the invite) and he text the next day to say thanks for the invite but he won't be coming because he would feel too awkward and that I would have a better night without him there. However, at the end of that text message, he said 'would you like to go for a catch up next week? up to you'. So I'm thinking 'ok you didn't need to ask that, which is a gd sign'. However 2 save myself from hurt I said no! gd move?

  • Thats why when in a relationship you shouldnt go to bars unless with friends or your boyfriend because stuff like that always happens, and I mean come on lets face it guys are always jealous of other guys hitting on or touching their gf's. And if you truly want to get back with him you should try calling and things maybe meet up for coffee or lunch but to continue to text will only ruin what ever is left between you. hope I could help :)

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  • Don't mess with other guys.

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What Girls Said 3

  • How long have you been dating? If it's a short period of time, then you should just leave it alone because he doesn't trust you..ie you haven't developed enough time to build trust. If you dated a while then you've got to rebuild trust and he may do something similar to let you know how he felt upon hearing that you were dancing it up with some guy in a bar.

    He's p*ssed so he needs time but my concern is that 'it takes two to tango'... And that's how he thinks about it, like how can you get caught dancing with some guy...

    So, he's either going to get over it or he's not...you have to decide if he's worth it or not. Then you decide if you want to stay in contact with him. If you feel that you were being totally innocent and you got a bad rap, then you should stand up for your self. But if you got busted doing something that you wanted to do anyway, then you should leave it alone. The texting, IM'ing, emailing relationship is just a way to keep a tab on you.

    I have a guy that's been doing this to me since we broke 7 months ago...I changed my phone number and totally cut off contact and he found my unlisted email address...then he started emailing me with one line subjects like...'I saw a bumper sticker with your college name on it', 'are you okay', 'do you still live in the same city'...when I finally responded asking him what he wanted his replay was 'nothing'. Take it from me, if you can't deal with the guy using your heart as a revolving door, then don't respond to his emails and change your number.

    My guy didn't want to move towards marriage, so I dumped him. I suppose it's true, 'you never miss your water til your well runs dry.' You decide what happens from here. Either be strong and don't allow him to contact you or take your chance and apologize profusely. KRL

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  • apologize and just try to talk it over.

    if you didn't sleep with him then why is it a big deal? it is hurtful but possibly reassure him that you didn't do anything that would be irreparable. talk it over. he should be able to forgive you if his feelings are strong

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  • I honestly think its kind of stupid that you guys broke up. It shows that he trusts his friends/mate more than YOU. It also shows his insecure because he would have talked to you about it--and its just dancing/flirting...NOT sex so really you didn't do anything wrong.

    You now have to make the decision if you should keep him in your life anymore because if a guy breaks up with you...then I would just move on. If you really love him, then you guys should really sit down, face to face and talk and see if it can work but if you feel that its not than don't and cut him off. Keep into consideration that if you guys get back together--it can be awkward because he dumped you and proved that he didn't trust your words over his friends.

    I wouldn't invite him before you sit down and talk to him...because if you invite him ...it may be awkward because you guys only talked via technology (texting...etc).

    Also you should sit down and thnik if the relationship is REALLY worth it...weigh out the good times with him and bad...If the good outweighs the bad--Keep the relationship into consideration and try to patch things up. IF THE BAD outweighs the good...then let him go because being in a bad relationship is toxic and is emotionally and physically draining.

    So just think about it... Hopes this helps!

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    • Thank you for your answer! He did ask to meet to 'catch up' with me, as he couldn't (well, wouldnt) come to my bday cos he said it would feel to awkward. I asked soooo many peoples opinion and they said DONT GO!! deep down I really wanted to see him, but what if it was just literally a catch up! I have feelings and that would be messing with them! Its been two months and I have come this far, I didn't want to be even more hurt and sad. would you of gone?

    • Don't go....Move on. =)

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