I can't stop obsessing...just can't :(

My boyfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago and immediately after that he started dating his ex, one that he claimed he couldn't stand and one that was obsessed with HIM for the past 5 years and would not leave him alone. We were very much in love, we had a wonderful life together and I am actually the one that wanted it to end, not because I didn't love him but because I knew that it was not going to be forever and felt it was better to cut both our losses. I don't want him back but for some reason I am literally OBSESSED with him and his new relationship, I hated this girl with a passion and now the thought of the 2 of them together is tearing me apart inside.

Please, please do not tell me to keep myself busy, I need to know how to get him, both of them, OUT OF MY HEAD before I lose my mind! I can't stop thinking about it no matter how hard I try :(


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Most Helpful Guy

  • well I can't tell you how to get this out of your head but I believe that you have to find the reason you are obsessed first.

    i think the reason you cannot get him out of your head is that he moved on so fast and that he went back to his ex. making your relationship look like an affair. This is not what happened!how long you were together?

    Actually I think you are lucky you got rid of him. in my head he went back to his ex cause he didn't want to suffer the break-up with you and being with another person makes it easier or even unnoticeable. of course nothing is free in this world so the person who is going to pay for his pain is his ex, who took him right in and absorbed his pain. this might sound very crazy to you, or reasonable, but this is the way I see this.

    their relationship will end soon, unless I am completely wrong (I don't know the guy!) and with your behavior you showed him how valuable is the stability( love, appreciation, affection, etc) his ex offers. if this is the case then you brought them together for ever.

    so in summary, he went back to her for one of the next two reasons; to get over you, or because of you!

    now I can't see why you are still obsessed? is it as Zoom said because you gave him to her in a silver plate? well if that is the case girl, if you don't want him someone else will. it happened to be his ex. in this case you are very selfish, like many women who want everything.

    In the end, I think the problem is YOU. tell you are superego ( link ) to make the ego ( link ) and especially the id ( link ) to let go of the situation.

    i hope I helped

    ps sorry if I sounded rude :-)

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    • We were together 2+ years, and yes, it kind of does make me feel like our relationship was completely meaningless, that is for sure. It's not that I am selfish in that he has someone else, it's more complicated than that as there are children involved and this new relationship is harmful to them emotionally in every way. I would love to see him happy, I love this man, but he won't be happy with her, this is a fact based on my knowledge of their past. He's using her, he can't stand to be alone

    • If you are correct about him using her then you didn't hand him to her.... he run to mommy. and children? do you have kids with him?

    • He and I do not have our own children but he has 2 and our breakup was very hard on them we had grown to be a family as I have 1 of my own...to bring this person into their lives so suddenly after me leaving, has to be confusing to them, they are young...

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What Guys Said 5

  • Well I think that everyone is going to tell you to keep yourself busy. Seriously though, why are you obsessed? You're the one who ended things with him because you thought that the relationship was not going to be forever... Even though you say you had the perfect life together. So what if he choose to get back with his ex. You didn't want him, and she did. Sounds like he must have been pretty hurt for him to want to go back to someone who he claimed that he couldn't stand. Maybe the reason you can't get the two of them out of your mind is because you pretty much gave him to someone who you hate on a silver platter.

    So, here's my advice. Just get over it. What's done is done, and the situation is what it is. Keep it moving and get on with your life.

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    • I'm sure that there is truth in the handing him over to her on a silver platter being a problem for me, but I'd have gladly handed him over to someone I know he could be happy with, she is not it.

    • But that is not your problem anymore. He isn't your problem anymore. If you felt this strongly, then maybe you shouldn't have ended things with him. You made your choice, and now so has he. Have you figured that maybe he's with her just to spite you because he knows how much you hate her, and he knows that it would bother you?

    • OH YES...i figure that all the time...but that's pretty hurtful even for him, and why sacrifice his own happiness just to hurt me? As I said above, there are children involved and this is something that will adversely affect them, he has to know that.

  • Keep other people busy. Make a change in someone else's life. Volunteer. Eventually you will meet someone new. He probably just went back to her because he was insecure and needed anyone to fill the void.

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  • You have to toughen up, if you can't take a bruise then get out of the boxing ring. Stop being such a sissy, you want to stop thinking about him but you don't want to do anything to achieve it. Stop your internal dialog, what's happening is that you've set up a feedback loop between your thinking and emotional brains. So you think some thoughts which cause an emotion and the emotion replays the thoughts.

    Go join an all girl volleyball team. You need to set your sights on a shared goal that is more important than you. You've built yourself an impossible problem and now you're whining to everyone that it can't be solved.

    There's an essential member of our team here that you have sabotaged, and it's you. How would you feel if you found out that one of our team members was whipping the legs of another? Slowing all of us down? Well that's you, what you're doing to yourself.

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  • I had a similar situation not so long back with my X her boyfriend would not go away for 2years and ended up going with him was at the stage of can't stand the thought of them together and it can be hard it feels you been dealt the short straw. You need to get rid of any ties still you have left with your X pictures,phone num,ect,ect no trace of him left and get new contacts that see you worth.

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  • Use all of this time and energy to find yourself a new boyfriend. Join online dating sites and different singles events and activities. You won't move on until you have a new man to occupy your time.

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What Girls Said 9

  • You know. You will just wake up one morning and feel better.

    Recognise that this isn't YOU being obsessed. Your brain has fallen into a pattern or a habit of jealousy. This is not you. Disconnect yourself from this overpowering emotion.

    It's not about keeping busy. But take one day at a time. Imagine you are sitting there tied up in a bundle of knots. You are not the knots, you are the living thing inside them. You have to slowly, take your time and disentagle yourself. This is a superhuman task and is by no means an easy one.

    So be kind to yourself and take itone step at a time. Slowly you will come out of it.

    Whether or not you believe it or whatever, just repeat to yourself that these feelings and thoughts are not you. Don't identify with them as something you are conciously forcing upon yourself. It will just make them stronger. Slowly start to (in your own mind) disengage yourself fron these thoughts. Don't hold on to them. They are harmful, they will pass. So make space for them to leave.

    Find some positivity in your life and cultivate it like a plant and it will surely grow. You have to look after that good fun and slightly selfish part of you, that doesn't give a f**** what anyone else does. You have to train yourself to find your own peace. You can never rely on others for that. You are far s much stronget than you think...

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  • just don't think about him. think 'I have better things to do then to think about a guy and wait on him'

    You will be ok. date other guys, find a really hot and better guy to date. got to look to the future, not about this guy who's already dating someone else.

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  • What you can do is to put them out of mind. I know it will be hard but you have to stay on top of yourself and not let them get to you. Kinda like if your mind starts thinking about what they are doing or checking up on what is new just tell yourself "NO! I'm not going to be thinking about this. I don't want to think about them anymore and they aren't going to play a big part in my life any longer. I'm going to be happy and I want to forget them" So kind of motivational speech the type that you would probably give yourself when you're running but you don't let yourself stop. Maybe even put sticky notes saying that you won't think of them in places where you find yourself thinking or wondering about them. Still, what you want to accomplish also goes hand in hand with keeping yourself busy based on the pure fact that if you don't have something else to keep yourself busy with then you have all this extra time to wonder and think. If you want them to stop taking time out of your day then don't make your time available to them. Go have fun and be happy as happy as you can be for now and I know that it might seem like a hard days work but in the end you won't even notice that you got over them.

    Best of luck dear.

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  • I dated someone for 5 years, who claimed to be the love of my life... A week after we split he got back together with an ex he supposedly loathed. I felt like our relationship was a sham. For your own good you need to stop thinking about it. After being burned countless times, I've learned that you need to have a thick skin and think your better then this bullsh*t. Trust me, having good self confidence takes you along way in life. You get over this stuff fast.

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  • pray about it, and believe that you will move on and find someone wh will love you@

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  • Until you realize that she is NOT better than you, you're going to be obsessed with the fact that he left you and went to her. Even though you broke it off, the fact that he so easily went back to her makes you think that there's something better about her.

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  • I have the same problem...it SUCKS. Its like you constantly think about him and miss him, but at the same time, you don't want anything to do with him. The only thing I do to try to get over it, is think about how much sh*t he put me though, and I ask myself If I really need to be wasting my time on someone like that.

    Its not easy to get over, but as soon as you find someone else who DOES want to be with you, you'll be glad you got rid of him in the first place =]

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  • Try new things to distract yourself. I know that sounds like "keep busy," but it's the only way to stop thinking about him. Use this as an opportunity to grow.

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  • I am in a similar situation. After 5 months, its getting a tiny bit easier but since I have to see him at work 2-3 times a week, that isn't helping AT ALL. I am fine until I see him and then I get very emotional again. He has no idea I am still crazy about him cause I don't show it.

    The only things that have helped me is to try to thing of as many negatives about him as I could. Everytime you think of the good, try to think of something bad. Even if you had a great relationship, you can still think about how he went back to the old girlfriend & think about what a jerk he is to do that. It won't take away all the feelings but it does help. And, yeah, the only other thing is for me to keep busy, which I know you said not to mention but its does help.

    You never said why the relationship couldn't go anywhere -- did you just have that feeling it wouldn't? The best thing you can do if you want him back is to move on & show him how happy you are. Maybe he'll come back.

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    • My god, I'll never understand women. I've seen this type of thing too many times -- female friends, and my own ex-girlfriends. Girl falls for guy, guy falls for girl, girl comes up with all sorts of reasons not to be with the guy, even though she loves him! I've never once seen a guy do anything like this. I don't get it :)

    • He has a ton of baggage, emotionally and in other ways, things that were not going away. I felt resentful that I was taking on all of his burdens and he didn't seem to understand that and wasn't able to cut me some slack when I got overwhelmed with things. I knew that resentment was going to cause the relationship to end eventually...so I ended it...

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