Yeah no one really seems to understand. They seem to blame me and think it is my fault. He always seems to have a way of sneaking back. I had maintained no contact for months then he managed to sneak back in and came crying to me saying he wanted me back. I told him I didn't want to see or speak to him but he wouldn't take no for an answer. Of course everything just ended up the same with him doing his value and discard.
How long were you together? Did you often get silent treatment? Mine was every 2 weeks like clock work and then a few months ago I was discarded and it's been quiet since. The results are always the same, it's hard to stay away because you want someone you can't have, like a normal person does and because they're so aloof it intrigues us more. Mine was a covert N so it took me longer to catch on. Talking to people that haven't been in this situation probably assume were crazy and obsessed and should just let go, and maybe so but it's more difficult for them to see why it's so hard because these games take over your mind and literally make you feel nuts. Have you ever been on "Baggage reclaim" website or Google "Lisa E scott"? Great websites to check out :)
About a year. Quite often if he was displeased with me. Either the silent treatment or I would get bombed with tons of nasty messages. Mine is never quite for too long. He is good and nice for about a month or two after hover. I tried to break up with him cause I wasn't happy with how he was treating me and he wanted to make me pay. I criticized him and that made him have a fury. It is the fact he would cry and apologize and pretend to have remorse that got to me. It made me believe maybe he does care about others feelings but he doesn't it is all manipulation to get what he wants. People say I was crazy for going back to him, but it is not that easy he didn't always give me a choice. Last time we got back together he just said we were back together I told him I didn't want to get back together before addressing the issues that had arised before. He started doing a lot of nice things for me and talking about me moving in even though I was moving out of state to get away from him.
You're correct that it's all manipulation. I'm glad you're able to see that at least;) silent treatment sucks, it's a sick form of emotional abuse and what it does to the receiver is brutal!! They typically analyze you at the beginning and test all kinds of crap they do to see what works the best on you. I haven't had an ST this long either before but I'm thinking this was the final for sure!! What about going NC, thoughts on that?
The book was ask the narcissist the answers to your questions. It really has started to open my eyes. But what do I do when he will inevitably return and won't take no for an answer? That is the problem.
Nothing is final with a narcissist. I thought the last one was final with my N but when they don't have a fuel source they will come hovering back. Or when they think you have become strong enough to have more good fuel and be able to do another value and discard. I have heard some stories of them coming back years later even. Yes I went no contact.
Well he won't if you're going no contact. Blocking and deleting him from phones and social media. If he shows up at your house, you don't answer. This is you taking back control and giving the message that you're worth more and deserve better. It's hard but it's also important to remember that things won't ever change, they usually only get worse. Easier said than done for sure!! I still struggle but I refuse to reach out, self respect is what keeps me going!! We aren't doormats and we aren't toys.
Yeah that's true, I'm pretty sure mines been gone so long Cuz he must have new supply. He's on a dating site too but I'm sure it's just for an ego boost. My situation is strange, I only ever received ST after I made demands for wanting more from him. He wasn't an actual boyfriend with the title. He love bombed the crap out of me at the beginning and some how always managed down my expectations. I read an amazing article on missing someone whose unhealthy for you, and it really made me realize that I miss the fantasy of who I wanted him to be not who he actually is. They play some crazy tricks on our heads!! I formed major anxiety and depression from having mine in my life, I am only now starting to feel normal again but it's still hard.
Well mine had planned to marry me and have me move in. He is also an elite narcissist so he is never likely to let go of me. I live in another state so as long as I block him maybe he will just leave me alone. Though he has been known to change his email and his phone number so he can get in contact. I had to change my phone number a few time. Then he just would show up which defeated that.
He even said he wasn't done with the relationship that he wanted to be alone for right now and that he didn't know what was best for us. He still wanted to be friends. He said he wanted to be friends for now. This means he doesn't want to separate he is just giving the silent treatment and inflicting punishment.
9. If we break up with you, why do you need to have the “last word” and pretend you are the ones who are done with us? (From Hope) This is a consequence of our belief in our superiority and the need to maintain this superiority. We regard you as inferior to us. You are blessed to be allowed into our presence and you have benefitted from our kindness, our generosity, our humour, our largesse and so forth during the golden period. You then failed to continue to provide us with the positive fuel despite the fact that we gave you so much. This failure underlines your inferiority and this is what we drive at you and reinforce during devaluation. We cannot allow somebody who is inferior to have any say or determination over what we are and what we do. Accordingly, should you end the relationship with us, this is a criticism of us. You are suggesting that we are unimportant and indeed, we are unimportant compared to you, a person who is inferior. This is a massive insult.
This ignites our fury and one of the ways this manifests is our need to have the last word. This last word means that we assert our superiority. We are “doing” we are not “done to”. By having the last word, we maintain our superiority and this allows us to repair the damage done to us through your criticism. This last word may mean that we have discarded you (in our minds at least) or that we will now subject you to a silent period (the relationship is not actually over in our minds, but we have “won” the last battle) before we return and act as if nothing has happened as we hoover you.Tudor, H G. Ask the Narcissist: The Answers to Your Questions (Kindle Locations 217-221). Insight Books. Kindle Edition.
10. If you instigate no contact against us are you waiting for us to go banging on your door or to shoot you some sappy email telling them how sorry we are, and how horrible we treated them? If you love negative fuel how is that you block us when we call them out? My narcissist said to me that he was done communicating with me and “let’s be friends”, what does he mean by that? Is that a Grand Hoover? (From Art girl) We do not do no contact. We do a silent treatment and that is what you are getting. Yes, he expects you to go crawling to him, hammering on the door, repeatedly ringing and firing off the e-mails in order to harvest negative fuel from you. He does not regard your relationship as at an end. You may have decided it is over but he has not. Note your comment, “he was done communicating with me” – he foreshadowed your silent treatment. He will be gathering fuel elsewhere at present but he does not consider you and him to be over. He is waiting for you to go to him. If you do not
do so, he will appear at some point and act as if nothing has happened. There has been no hoover because the relationship is not over, you are just in a fairly long silent treatment. The “let’s be friends” line was to test what your reaction would be. If you baulked at that and got upset, he gains fuel. If you agree he knows he has an easy conduit to hoovering, you.Tudor, H G. Ask the Narcissist: The Answers to Your Questions (Kindle Locations 230-233). Insight Books. Kindle Edition.
19 Why can’t I get closure with a narcissist? Why must I accept that no closure is the closure? (From MLA) You want closure. We do not. Closure means that the provision of fuel will end and do so for good. That is not something that we want. We want your positive fuel through the seduction, your negative fuel through the devaluation and we want to acquire hoover fuel (both positive and negative) thereafter. We want to suck you dry and throw you to one side and then come back for more once you have begun to recuperate and recover. We put effort into seducing you and once you engaged with us then you signed a contract for life which provided that you would always be available for the provision of fuel. It does not matter whether we return in ten days or ten years, we want the ability to return and take fuel from you again. That is why there can be no closure.Tudor, H G. Ask the Narcissist: The Answers to Your Questions (Kindle Locations 403-409). Insight Books. Kindle Edition.
It must be on our terms. This accords with our concept of our superiority. You do not have a choice in the matter. If it is your choice, then it amounts to a criticism and this will wound us. This is unacceptable. We do not want you to achieve closure. We always want to keep in place some unfinished business. Whether this is your need to launch a tirade at us because of the way which we have treated you, whether it is because you need answers to so many of the questions that continue to spin around in your head or whether it is because you want to know what we are doing, we need to put in place mechanisms which will always be tempting to you so that you reach out to us.Tudor, H G. Ask the Narcissist: The Answers to Your Questions (Kindle Locations 410-414). Insight Books. Kindle Edition.
Whether we discarded you or whether you instigated no contact we do not want closure because that means finality. It means the provision of your fuel has ended and we always want fuel. We want your fuel. We want you available for our further machinations because of the contract that you unwittingly signed. We want you available for the triangulation we wish to utilize with our new prospect. We need to keep you on a string, no matter how tenuous so we can jerk it at some point and cause you to jump to our tune once more. If there is closure all the ties are cut. The business becomes finished and you have no reason to want to reach out to you. Thus you become free of us and we can never allow that. This is why some of our most powerful manipulative behaviours such as ever presence is designed to keep the relationship (even if it is just on the basis of memory and thought) alive. Closure is not an option which is acceptable to us.Tudor, H G. Ask the Narcissist
That's some creepy stuff lol!! I've spent months researching so many things regarding the behavior I saw, and this was the main one right here!! I even checked out BPD which had some similar traits as well. Did you ever go back and forth in your mind wondering what the heck this guy is? I use to be obsessed with figuring it out and it was total crazy making! In my head, I'd be like nah has just an asshole, no he's emotionally unavailable, no he's definitely this or that... in reality though, no normal person acts this way so you know in the back of your head what's really going on. I use to have to see mine a few times a week in a personal setting, up until this week and he would always act normal and friendly in person but he'd shut me out via text. I gave up initiating contact because I felt like I was going insane!
Yeah I did. It wasn't till his parents told me that he was diagnosed as a narcissist and we went to counseling together that I found out. They told me he was on the sociopath spectrum. Joy! He cried for days last time during his Hoover so I thought I had him all wrong and that he did have empathy and remorse. He doesn't he can fake them to get what he wants. He was sorry he was losing his source and I was moving away that's all. He had even been committed to a mental institution at one point.
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