What do I do? My girlfriend keeps mentioning/talking to her ex.

So, I recently got with my girlfriend. We've been good, had a lot of good times. But just a couple of days ago, we were in a car with friends and my girlfriend was looking at a friends of her's phone. (I'll use Andrew for the ex's name.)And she saw her ex's name on it and said, " is that MY Andrew?" and when she said that, another friend of mines looked at me and we were like the hell, YOUR Andrew? I mean, they broke up and all, and still saying HERS. but you know, trying to be quiet and nice, I just ignored it. So when I got dropped off at my friends after the car ride, I called my girlfriend and told her I will call her when I get home. Finally , when I got home, first thing I did was called her. When she picked up, the first thing she said was " wanna talk to me and Andrew?" . NO EVEN A 'hello dear'...

Again, trying to be nice, I just said OK. We talked for like 10 minutes, he was nice , I guess. They kept talking and saying things like, "Andrew you have to visit me again k?" and " I might go to your school tomorrow to watch you." Like, its OK that she talks to him, but like HER Andrew and all that... Not trying to sound all obsessed but I actually love her. The thought of loosing her is unbearable.

And plus, her ex was with her for a long time, and she lost her virginity to him. So, yeah, should I be worried, what should I do, I tried talking to friends but they don't give me sh*t... and, people call her a ho, and that I shouldn't be with, they say don't trust her.. but I ignore all the comments cause I see what they don't...


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Yeah, it's hard when it sounds like they have a "bond" you can't really compete with.

    I have a similar situation with my ex-fiance. We went through a lot together and came out as friends on the other side. However, even though we both know we don't work as a couple, we will always be in each other's lives somehow (email, etc.),

    I always made sure to reassure any guy I was dating that our friendship was just that.

    BUT! I do know that constant contact with an ex can put a strain on an existing relationship.

    You have a difficult situation because:

    1) It's good that she's not hiding him from you

    2) If you ask her to stop talking to him or even talk to him less, she may just end up hiding it from you.

    The best thing to do is to just have an open, honest conversation.

    If you're NOT okay with her staying in contact, say so but do it in a non-threatening, non-jealous way.

    You can start by saying how much you feel for her, "actually love her", but feel worried that she still has strong feelings for her ex.

    You might even be able to have a discussion as to whether she still has feelings for him.

    You can also add that you understand she'll still have a bond with him since he was her first (If you are understanding)

    You can also open the subject of cheating...like whether or not she's cheated on anyone, general philosophical thoughts on cheating.

    (This may seem harsh but good relationships have open/honest/intimate discussions)

    Good Luck, Hope it works out well :-)

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    • She's not hiding it from him, but she's sure not being subtle about it either.

    • Well, that's what I said. She isn't; but if he says it bothers him, she MAY keep talking to him and hide it from him then.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 20

  • here is the thing, people think girls with guy friends are ho's. That is not always the case, and what is a ho really? guys sleep around too, and they're called guys. So forget the ho comment.

    That is how we have a hard time building solid relationships, when we listen to others who know nothing about the relationship telling us whether to break up or not or who the person is when they have met them like one time, and had no meaningful conversation with the person to know them.

    Trust is what the issue is, and I suggest communicating. I say this a lot but that is the only way. You sit her down alone, face to face. You tell her how you feel calmly and rationally. Think of it this way, if you love someone you will let them hurt you, but that does not mean that they SHOULD hurt you. So be aware if she is taking advantage of your openness. When you get into a relationship all this comes with it.

    You becoming paranoid is not a way to start a relationship, it only creates more drama, so figure out what you are willing to go through for this girl. If you want to stress out constantly wondering if she is faithful, is she appreciative enough about your love for you to go through that? You shouldn't feel that way in the first place. are you confident enough to trust her when she hangs out with her guy friends?

    I hang out with my ex of 6 years, I love him still but would never get back with him, I do not sleep with him, or anything. Just friendly mingling. She may be different. I don't know.

    About that my Andrew comment, don't take it personally, but let her know it hurt you and ask her how she would feel if you said that about your ex girlfriend (ex. if you said "my Sara" in the same situation.)always ask the person to put themselves in your shoes. Try it out, let me know if I missed anything

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  • talk to her and ask her to explain what's going on asap. she's not being straight forward with you about him, and the fact that she's seeing him so often without consulting you is totally disrespectful.

    Though I understand that she still has an intense friendship and bond with this guy (esp. if she lost her virginity to him) the fact that she hasn't made the effort to come to you and explain what her deal is with him is messed up. She's not taking you or your relationship seriously enough to address where she stands with her ex with you. If she can't give you that basic courtesy, then she doesn't care enough about you.

    She should come to you about this not vice versa, but if you have to confront her, ask her if she's ready to be in a new relationship, if she says yes tell her that you're worried about her & her ex, and figure out what boundaries you both are willing to set up.

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  • alright well I don't know you ar your girl but if she is talkin to her ex in that way like talkin about visiting each other and going to his school to see him an knowing you could hear this..I would think your the rebound :[ and she lost it to ihm so girls are usually attached and don't want to let go of the guy they gave it up to...so she probly still wants him and is using you to get him jealous to try and get him back OR she's tryin to get you jealous to p*ss you off and try to get you to break up with her because she don't wanna break up with you...so if people say she's a hoe she probly is I mean she had to do something to get that kind of reputation and think about how she is being with "Andrew"..sorry but she don't care about you or love you like you love her

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  • tell her it's disrespect

    i do not talk about ex boyfriends with my current boyfriend.

    she might not know it's hurting you. let her know. tell her to stop.

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  • This is going to be really hard to hear but she's defiantly not over her ex. She might even be using you as a pawn to get him back. She is talking to her ex right in front of you on purpose AND calling him hers. No girl who is over her ex is that close to them. I would head your friends warnings about her because she might get sucked in emotionally by her ex again at any time because she's not over him. I personally would be really careful and talk to this girl and tell her how you feel if you really want to resolve things.

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  • I'm sorry but from what you said you might want to pay closer attention to her because me as a girl would never do that with a current boyfriend. And I know you love her but don't think that because you love her that she would never do anything. Look at it from a perspective point of view. Talk to her and see what she says because he was her first and you will always have a soft spot for your first especially if you stayed together a while after. And if you find out something then don't turn the other cheek confront her and if she rely does do anything that messes up your relationship then she doesn't deserve you because you seem like one of the rare nice guys and one day some girl will appreciate you.

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  • wow! well the "who is that? my andrew?" means nothing. it really means "is that the andrew I was with?". but she definately still wants a part in his life. especially if she's that excited to talk to him. also, she wants you to get involved in the whole thing that way she can throw it in your face later. you know, when she sleeps with him. it will happen. she will say something like, "you didn't stop me from talking to him so you let this happen!" or " you knew I still had feelings for him, I was talking to him, right?" stupid stuff like that. just because she still wants him, doesn't mean he still wants her. she can throw herself at him all she wants and if he is at the stage of "i want to **** every girl I can" stage, he will take advantage of her. she will think he still wants her and he will use her whenever he pleases. and you will be the shoulder to cry on. she will always be on the super high energy/ super low energy fix through it all. one day she will want to hang out with you, but won't want you to touch her (cause she's giving it away to him) and the next she will jump your bones like a savage (cause she's mad when andrew rejects her). it's your call. you can go through this all you want. but in the end. you'll end up in the same place--without her. it's all in which path you choose. either let her go now and get your life together (save yourself some bitterness towards women) or go for the ride and be the bad guy, cause you will be the bad guy even though you are the one that loves her. your the bad guy cause your not willing to step aside so she can be with andrew and your the bad guy cause you let her talk to him, which led her to being used by him (since you were a push over). sad but true. think of it this way. you love her very much. would you jeoperdize your relationship with her by talking to YOUR ex, and having the balls to expect her to want to carry a conversation with the two of you as if you 3 were good friends? if she truly loved you, would she stand for that? what kind of girl would you do this to, if you had to choose? a girl that you truly loved or someone who is dispensable?

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  • I would say you have a little to be concerned about. How long ago did your girlfriend and Andrew break up? Because if it was fairly recently, then you may be a rebound or she could be using you to make him jealous. Also, do you think its weird that he was at her house with her?

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  • DUMP HER, BEFORE SHE DUMPS YOU. it is so much better that way. She sounds obsessed with this guy, and will take the next opportunity available to her from him. and you probably don't love her...you just don't want to be alone. you'll get over her as soon as someone new comes along. always remember, "Nice guys finish last." yes it's true. I had the same thing happen to me, but only I'm a girl.

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  • she lost her virginity to him so they already have a stron bond. I've done the same thing say "MY andrew" she doesn't mean it the way you think she meant it like..."is that my ex andrew?" nothing harmful but do be watchful id hate for her to hold on to him while with you like I did for two years...i kept trying to convince my boyfriend and myself that we was just friends

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  • When I read this, I knew exactly how you felt. I had a boyfriend who talked about his ex constantly. What I would do, is keep a close eye on her and see if she seems to have any interest in him or flirtatious vibe while talking to him. Those are some signs that things are probably not going to work out between the two of you. Otherwise, I would GENTLY confront her about it and see what she says. I hope I helped :)

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  • It's good and all that you love her but you got to be a man grab her and let her know it's not cool to talk about her ex because that's what he is her ex let her know your her man and she needs to acknowledge that she needs to respect you just like you resection her you don't talk about your ex so she needs to tighten up let her know if y'all togeather it's just you guys not you guys and her ex. Be a man her man and step your game up let her know girls like when guys take a little control

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  • how recent did they break up? maybe you were just the rebound, which is bad.

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  • Sounds like she still has feelings for him. Her Andrew? That speaks for itself.

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  • be awar!it sounds like they still have a thinqq for eachother:/

    soryy but I wouldntt be surprised if she cheated on yoo with him.

    then aqain maybe they are just realyy qood friends think positivee!

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  • i can persoanlly say that I'm kinda like ur girlfriend in my relationship I lost mine to a ex and I still talk to him and stuff so here's whatd I have to say because maybe she's going threw the same I am yeah I miss my ex (not saying she does) but you don't have anything to worry about my boyfriend has a friend named my ex lets say Trent for his name I call my ex my trent so it doesn't confuse anyone so maybe that's why she's saying my andrew now the talking well maybe she's just wanting to be friends with this ex of hers and also is trying to get you to be his friend yeah it may be awkward but if she loves you that's mainly what she might be doing also if that's not the case maybe she's just going threw a phase and will someday soon stop this might be hard but give it a month or two if she's still doing that just go up to her face to face and talk about it ask her why she's saying "my andrew" and also add that's there's nothing wrong talking to him but just tell her exactly what is bothering you I'm sure shell be understanding =] good luck

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  • Ok, the "MY" part may or may not mean something. I do that with my friends but it usually means, "Are we talking about the same person?" and not really "MY MAN," if you get what I mean. But everything else is unnecessary. Talk to her. Things won't get better on its own, you have to actually do something about it or nothing will change.

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  • Don't read into the "HER Andrew" title only because I know I do this. And some of my friends do this. And it means absolutely nothing.

    HOWEVER, you do need to talk to her and let her know that it makes you feel uncomfortable. But understand, too, that he was a big part of her life. The fact that she was so open about him to you shows that there's a GOOD chance she doesn't realize the effect it has on you.

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  • She's not even showing you the basic respect. Talk with her about that. This is NOT normal, and acting nice doesn't help the whole thing - it just makes her think that it's ALRIGHT to act that way.

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  • Talk to her about it, she still may care about him more than she shows. But I agree with the guys though, you need to do something about it. Either leave her or lay down the law. When I hear that my boyfriend still gets texts from his ex who now has another boyfriend that she loves, it bugs the hell out of me. I don't say anything though because he doesn't talk to me about it and I trust him. I don't even talk to my ex boyfriends, even though my boyfriend is best friends with my ex I barely speak to him. It's the way things should be.

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What Guys Said 11

  • She is not even respecting you. You're both in the same care and she just blurts out "My Andrew?" She's not even considering how that makes you feel. And then you call her when you get home, and she says do you want to speak to the guy. Then she says to him that he has to visit and that she might go to his school to watch him. That is a total lack of consideration that "your" girlfriend is showing for you. Their connection doesn't matter and it doesn't matter if she lost her virginity to him, they broke up and she's now supposed to be with you. I know you love her, but you need to let her know what's up and that what she's doing isn't cool.

    And of course her friends don't give a sh*t. The fact that one of them had his number in their phone shows that this guy is in their loop and they like him. And so far, it sounds like what everyone has been saying is right and that you shouldn't trust her. And you say that you see what they don't, but maybe you are not seeing what they are seeing because of the feelings you have for this girl.

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  • OMG man all the red flags are there, I have been the andrew and I have been the anonymous user so I don't want you to suffer. Tell this bitch to go f*** herself asap and get another girl, have some self respect, not only is she sleeping with her ex but she is mocking you, jesus, break up with this girl now, if you can't do it go to this site and have them break up for you:

    link

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  • I would get out of that relationship becouse the fact is my freind don't have a relationship. sure you like her but she likes her ex and not you.. at least not enough to cut ties with her ex. you need to be strong and wal away, every time she does something that's is not respectful and you stay with her YOUR LETTING HER DO IT, your basicaly giving her permissing to walk all over you... walk away now whilst you have repsect for yourself.

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  • Hey there,

    Its a good thing that you see a value you in your current relationship or you wouldn't really be in it. I would have to say though it seems that you are in somewhat of a pickle... Its important when you are in a loving and caring relationship to have a fair balance of friends and alone time and it is also important to be able to communicate and trust one another. Regardless if your friends dislike her or not you will follow your heart, I learned that the hard way. So to answer your question as best as possible from what I understood from it is this...

    I recommend you spend a evening with her at home and sit her down and explain your feelings about the situation and that it makes you uncomfortable with her still talking to her X. If she TRULY loves you and cares about you she will respect your feelings and your thoughts. So ask this question see how she reacts, do not create an argument out of it but allow her to be in a emotional free enviroment to see how she really feels about the other guy, it is true that actions speak louder then words, so just pay attention.

    Hope this helps and good luck.

    Matt

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  • Same as Gregs. I've been in both situations, and while it's never easy, you either need to sort it out immediately, or dump this girl.

    Do NOT just let it keep happening to you. It won't get any easier.

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  • Dude that is not normal at all you either need to open your mouth and ask what she is on about and what's going on there or wouldn't bother at all and break it off now while its early.

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  • Tell her to go f*** herself. Now. Don't look back. Even texting it is fine in this case.

    She didn't just push it, she pushed it right into the abyss.

    If you are in a position to, beat Andrew up and use him as an example for others near your future girlfriends. No man exept gay friends (and make sure they are) should be that close or should be talking to her that way; but don't be mistaken, this is mainly her fault.

    Seriously man, I am almost feeling hurt for you sake. Its the only right thing to do.

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  • Watch it is all I have to say. Becareful I think that its great that you love her and leave all the BS behind and just see her for who she is but I would talk to andrew and just tell him to nicely step it down and just remind him that she's your Girlfriend and not his anymore.

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  • dump that broad. it is definitely NOT ok for her to say that.

    how long did she break up with him before she got with you.

    she's definitely trying to get you jealous, and she could be using you to make him jealous or as a rebound.

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  • The logical course of action here would be to kill her ex.

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  • Leave her ...

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