After 3 years, this is it?

3 very up and down kind of years everyone... Him (M) and I (F) are both 23 years old. There was a point where things became too unhealthy and I decided to break things off just about 2 months ago. I left loving him. The break up was messy: back and forth, confusion, not knowing whether what I did was the right thing, going back to him, him breaking up with me, trying to convince me to "fight for us" and then it all came crashing into a bigger bottomless pit when he told me how dissapointed he was in me, etc. , i said goodbye, he said goodbye and that was it.

Fast forward to today, 2 months later, I'm just focusing on myself. I admit, I miss him. And I don't want to get into anything else with anyone else until I know that I am past the post break up issues. After all, we were very much in love with each other. And yet.. he has already found someone else (yes I have searched him on social media, I know, I know.. stop doing that, I'm trying my best) and it really sucks to know that after 3 years, 2 months after our break up, he has already found someone else.

Why is it that after 3 years, I'm the one who's having more trouble letting go while he has already moved on?

Words of advice would be appreciated, thank you in advance :)


Most Helpful Guy


    I don't think you can assume he doesn't care. People deal with things in their own way, sometimes they use 'fun' to blot out pain. How people are seeming to cope is scratching the surface of what's happening privately.

    But anyway, it sounds like this is about you more than anything. You spent so much time together, so much formative part of your life, that it is bound to hurt and take time to adjust. Looking him up isn't healthy, or better to say, it won't do you any favours. Hence my meme :P

    So this is more about you. And finding ways to strengthen yourself. So you can be more independent. Having things that are important to you, your career, your relationships, your hobbies, your health, some outlet within which you can put your energy, that had perhaps been hitherto neglected? This is the way to go, I reckon. It's natural to want to look back. But I really think shifting your focus forward will make you feel better in the long run. There's a real risk of 'stuckness' and 'de-powerment' otherwise, which eventually you will have to break out of, one way or the other!

    • I love this. It wasn't easy to let him go. I noticed the more I tried holding on, the less I focused on myself and I lost myself in the process. But you're right. This should be the time I can start to focus on myself again and maybe along the path, I'll find someone else right? Thank you so much

    • Aye, and there's definitely benefits to being single. Not that I'm quite sure what they are, but they are definitely there :D

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What Guys Said 3

  • You have only yourself to blame. It was entirely your choice to break things off, and you chose to leave him in spite of loving him- you couldn't be bothered to fight for the relationship. And now, after you broke up with him, you're upset that he's found someone else, and managed to move on? How sadistic are you as a person if you wanted him to suffer indefinitely without you, if you broke up with him wanting him to never let go of you, wanting him to be hung up on you forever?

    You're having trouble letting go because you never wanted to actually break up with him- you broke up with him with the intention of playing power politics in the relationship, with the intention of forcing him to make up with you and come crawling back to you on his hands and knees. You didn't want him to be able to live without you. But he has managed to, because you left him no choice. He had every right to be disappointed in you. And when you did that, it's all too easy to see how he'd have fallen out of love with you as a result of your selfish, heartless and manipulative actions. It's a shame, but you have to live with the consequences of your mistakes. All that you can do now is to learn from it and move on.

    • Thank you for the reply

  • A relationship that is full of ups and downs is generally doomed, since it takes far fewer downs than ups to destroy it. You can have all the passionate love and intimacy during the highs but those won't make up for frequent lows. At some point one partner is going to get tired of it and fall out of love.

    For long-lasting relationships, one or both partners often has to be the bigger person and absorb some unfair treatment while being gentle and compassionate. When both partners demand fair treatment in a hostile way, the relationship is often doomed since the perception of fairness is wildly subjective.

    It sounds like he managed to fall out of love, tapering off his feelings. You haven't yet.

    For you, it will help if you can start filling up your calendar with things to do and get excited about. At some point you'll wake up excited about what you have to do that day, only to find that he has faded towards the back of your mind. To do that it would help to cut off all ties from him.

    Love is just fantasy and imagination. It's hopes and dreams you build. It's not ever rational, as no rational being is ever going to put one human being above all others and call him/her "the one", let alone one who is no longer even with you. To feel that way is irrational. It's building hopes and dreams around that person. To be heartbroken is to effectively have your dreams crushed. It's not really about that person, it's about you. And the way to move on from that is to start building new hopes and dreams, and enjoy pursuing them.

    • This is by far the most sound advice yet, really put things into perspective. Thank you for this.

    • I realize you must be really depressed at this point. But there's still a life to live and joy to experience and love to discover. Generally heartbreaks leave you feeling a bit empty inside as a person. You can start filling up the hole left behind by finding things to love (doesn't necessarily have to even be people yet). Try to start gradually enjoying your independence. Put yourself out there. Try something new, perhaps, that you always wanted to try.

  • Yes, that's it. I loved her and she loved me. One day after 5 years, she told me she wanted to leave to find her destiny, I said alright. Then she was free and I was dead.

    • Sorry about your break up :/ thank you for the reply

    • Both of us in misfortune go from shore to shore. Meeting now, need we have known each other before?-by a famous poet Bai Jvyi lived one thousand years ago in China.
      Presented it to you. Hope you will resume your mood soon.😋

What Girls Said 1

  • Personally i don't think its coz he just threw away those three years of you two together... but you are two different individuals and because of that your way of dealing with a break up is different. You think you need some time to heal while being single right? So maybe he's kinda like me coz personally if i stay single for long after a break not because i just want to but because i'm trying heal then there's a high chance i might never heal. So the only way to heal faster is speeding up the method and be out and about that way he will find someone to fill the void that came when you left. So its not because he doesn't care about the time were together but its coz he DOES care that's why he's moving already if that makes sense. Hopefully i helped... good luck.


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