I hit my boyfriend and I feel absolutely terrible how can I fix it or make it right?

for the most part we have had a pretty amazing relationship for 2&1/2 years. we usually are able to talk about our problems and resolve them in a kind peaceful manner. even when we do actually fight we talk it through afterwards and realize we either misunderstood where the other was coming from or took something the wrong way. we did hit a rough patch after we broke up for a few weeks and got back together. all of a sudden we fought often and without really working on the issues we were fighting about. a lot of our fights became repetive. he started acting indifferently towards me being upset as if he didn't care started shutting me out and being a complete asshole at times. this is around the time that I started calling him names when I'd get upset. I never reacted that way before and when I'd get angry or hurt my normal reaction was to go in another room to cool down and try to get ahold of my emotions. somewhere during that time I stopped doing that. the more he acted like he didn't care the more I'd get upset and finally instead of walking away to calm down I'd just get in his face and try to get him to talk and not shut me out. I'd got to where I grabbed his arms to try to get him to look at me instead of giving him the space and time to compose himself and myself as well. it finally got to the point where I could no longer take being treated that way. we had a very long talk about why I felt things had changed and that I didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating me. he finally realized the things I'd been trying to tell him and get him to realize during those few months. he apologized for being so stupid and not seeing how him acting that way was negatively effecting us and how not talking about our problems anymore and just pushing me away to not deal with them was wrong. I also realized certain things I hadn't been doing anymore and how me trying to get my points across were the wrong way.

Updates:
we both cried a lot and felt awful for the way we'd been acting towards each other without even realizing it. since then things have been so much better. we've gone back to how things used to be for the most part and we've each been working on the things we realized we needed to be working on. things have seriously been amazing until last week. I got blackout drunk and from what he told me I turned into an emotional wreck. I started crying for no reason or if there was one I wouldn't tell him.
started getting physical and in his face yelling at him about how much he put me through and how I should've never taken him back. then I smacked him in his face a few times. I don't remember any of this. I've never hit anyone before ever and I've been pushed to that point several times. I'm still in shock that I did that and having a hard time processing that that even happened. I've never been happier with anyone in my life and I know I'm truly in love with him and this was the man I want to

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Hey. First, don't feel terrible, just learn from this, accept and understand why you did it and avoid a repeat.

    It's good your concerned about hitting someone. Though don't get overly concerned (assuming you've not irrecoverably injured him and that your not totally out of control).

    Guy's need to be men. Being hit, whilst to be avoided, is also something a guy should suck up and just deal with when it happens (and if its coming from someone with less strength, they need to prevent further attack but just deal calmly with things). I'm a totally non-violent person, but I'm not ignorant to passion. We all get to a snap point where we want to lash out.

    What is going on between both of you? Ask yourself. These feelings don't come from nowhere. Drunkenness simply lowers our inhibitions, causes us to lower our barriers and act more on a surface level (lowers our intelligence). The way you act when your drunk reveals an unresolved set of problems or possibly just takes you back through the darker side of your life.

    The fact you wouldn't tell your boyfriend what was wrong shows something has happened between the two of you leading to your natural reaction towards him is to cut him out (e. g. you've been hurt, your natural instinct now is to not let him, e. g. don't let him know what's going on with you). If you love the guy and he's worth it (for you to mull and decide alone or with good friends) then you need to open up to him and get comfortable trusting him again (since it sounds like you've been open with him in the past which lead to you getting seriously hurt, reading between the lines).

    Honestly, it is likely that whatever caused you to hit him when drunk is something that you're angry with him for sober, but sober your restraining and directing your anger into more positive actions. Sober you might even understand intellectually. The issue is you haven't delt with it (what ever it is) emotionally. So when your drunk to the point your inhibitions become none-existent your emotions scream and rage and it turns into direct action (especially if he doesn't say the shutdown code.. which is to basically know you well enough to defuse you by saying all the right things. This applies to most people black out drunk with serious emotional hurt).

    So, to fix it, you need to re-evaluate yourself, not logically, not intellectually but emotionally. Talk with him (if he's worth it) emotionally, don't let him deflect you with logic. Talk purely of how it feels.

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    • he's definitely worth it and there are still some unresolved emotional things. I'm actually trying to be honest with myself about those things and work through them so I can be able to talk it through with him. but what if he doesn't want to talk to me do I just give up

    • It can be hard to tell, sometimes a guy just will completely miss something another girl would get easily. If you assume all guys are emotionally retarded and lay out to you what us very very obvious slowly a loving guy will "wake up" to what he's done. Assuming he did something.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 7

  • It sounds as though you should not be a couple.
    Be thankful that he did not smash you into next week as a reflex response after you hit him.

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  • So you just grabbed his arms?

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    • no I hit him in the face a couple of times from what I was told about the night

  • You need to talk about whether the relationship is bringing out the best in both of you and ask yourself honestly if you're happy.

    If he chooses to continue then you need to make sure you're never in a position to do that again aka get that drunk.

    Really you can only be heartfelt and basically pull out the stops with things he likes to convince him.

    If I was him I'd leave, because i'd never stay with anyone who'd do that but if it's worth it you'll both tangibly work through it. You can only talk and take necessary actions to prevent a repeat and change things.

    It sounds like by the 'wouldn't tell him' that there's issues you're harbouring that triggered it. If you hold onto them then its doomed to failure. Work through it all with him or break it off. It's make or break.

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    • I'm working on changing things now. I never want to be that person or hurt anyone especially him.

  • Do the right thing and break up with him so that he can find a decent woman.

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  • what's your height/weight and what's his height/weight

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    • I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. I hit him and that's wrong regardless of our size.

    • well not really. if he's 6'2 220 and you're 5'1 105 then it's like his little sister nagging him.

      2nd of all if it was so wrong you wouldn't have done it. are you going to murder him next time he irks you? no because that's extremely wrong.

  • If he hit you, what could he do to make it right with you?

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    • this made me really think. if it was something that was completely outside of his character which it would be I guess I'd want some space and then to work through the cause of why that happened. then from there determine if it's something that could happen again or if it's something that could be resolved. that might be dumb or optimistic on my part but nobody is perfect and as long as he was willing to work on or through whatever brought those changes I'd give it a second chance. but no more chances after that.

    • That's more than most girls will accept.

      Most girls are of the opinion (rightly or wrongly) that if their boyfriend hits them once, it's over.

    • everybody messes up you can't hold someone's weakest or darkest moment against them everybody hits a low at some point and if they are willing or trying to better themselves then that in itself says a lot. most people don't want to change. I feel like as long as you are a genuinely good person then you deserve a second chance. it's when
      those chances are taken advantage of that its time to stop.

  • tl;dr

    but you deserve to be thrown in prison for hitting him

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    • Show All
    • Actually, thinking back on it, I did attempt to check myself into a psychiatrist facility. But apparently in that part of Texas they don't do that sort of treatment as a walk-in, only a court order. So I stayed with a friend that night and we started couples therapy and individual counseling the very next day.

    • @dragonfly6516 I would if he chose that too and I actually went today to talk to a counselor about it. I never want to be capable of doing that again either. the main thing I'm concerned about is figuring what caused that type of behavior when I've never done that before I also want to mend the damage I've done to him regardless of it that results in us getting back together or not. would I love a second chance absolutely but do I feel like I deserve one definitely not. I never want to be the cause of that kind of pain and hurt. I want him to be happy even if that's without me in the picture.

What Girls Said 2

  • You need to leave and end this relationship. It doesn't matter who started it, or how you feel about it now. It is very obvious that this relationship is toxic. Some people just do not match up and only end up bringing out the worst in each other. If being with him has put you into a state of mind where you felt the need to hit him, then you obviously don't trust him or feel safe with him, and there is no saving a relationship that has no trust.

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    • I hit my ex husband once, and I was just as shocked and confused by my actions as you claim to have been. And only found out after months of couples therapy that he'd been molesting me in my sleep, and while asleep, I would strike out at him. Our therapist concluded that I had hit him that time because of a subconscious trigger. Basically I hit him on ac reflexive instinct. But it still wasn't okay, and I eventually realized that we were not right together and needed to split up.

  • i'm glad that you both appear to have learned from this, though violence is not a reasonable response for either gender.

    if this is going to last long-term, you both need to work through your communication issues. counselling would help as well.

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