My ex has asked to meet for coffee. Is she just happy I've accepted the break up, or could it mean something else?

Ok, so... my ex and I had a pretty nasty breakup. She dumped me, but I had brought it on myself, in various ways. After a month of NC, I tried to contact her but it didn't go too well at first. Eventually, we had a long phone call. It was really nice and fun for a while, but then we started talking about the relationship and what went wrong. She told me what had happened to make her feel like I wasn't the one etc, and I understood. We both agreed that maybe we were just incompatible, although I did try to explain that a lot of it was due to my personal issues, which I have started to resolve. She also told me about a new guy she was seeing, who was basically the opposite of me. At least when it came to the things she didn't like about me. She also said she wasn't sure if she wanted to jump into another relationship. But she sounded quite adamant there was no going back for us. We ended the call with me saying we should meet for coffee some time and her kind of agreeing but not sounding sure about it. About an hour later I sent her a text saying it was really nice to speak to her, the conversation had helped me stop grieving and move on and that she had made me realise I need to change (completely genuine, btw). Then she called me back, thanking me for the text and saying she really wants to meet for coffee soon. She sounded MUCH more positive than before. Ladies, does this mean she's just happy I've accepted the break up and wants to be friends? Or could it be something else? I've been all over the place the last month. Sometimes I do think that maybe it was for the best, but at the same time I do still love her and a big part of me wants to make it work. Especially as now I can see all the mistakes I made and I know I wouldn't repeat them. My head is telling me she's just happy I've accepted the break up and wants to be friends, but my heart is telling me maybe she still has feelings. Help!


Most Helpful Girl

  • I think she still has feelings, she's already seeing someone else but jumped pretty fast at the opportunity to have coffee with you. Just go and provide us all with an update. by the way, how long did you date and were you both in love?

    • We were together for 3 years. Yeah I think we were in love, I was anyway. The last year was hard because she moved in with me at my parents' house so we could save for a place of our own. It went downhill for there, as you can imagine.

    • Well, how did the coffee date go?

Most Helpful Guy

  • I wouldn't get your hopes up on a second chance just yet, if ever.

    The typical issue is that if your girl still has some level of feelings for you, say as a friend with whom she has shared a lot, often she'll still not want to see you or talk to you much if you look like you haven't let her go. If you come off like you still have very strong feelings and can't accept the break-up, she'll tend to evade you partly out of pity and to avoid leading you on.

    Once she gets the impression that you've gotten over her, typically that can allow you two to get back on a friendly level. But that's typically not going to make her forget her reasons for breaking up with you or implant the seed of attraction that makes her want you that way again. You're generally just erasing the feeling that seeing you in a friendly way will lead you on.

    If you want to try your luck anyway at some chance, however slim, of getting back together again, I think your best bet is to play it really cool. Really try to act like you've gotten over her (and try to simultaneously make it genuine), don't bring up the past relationship between you two so much, and focus on present and future. Be attractive -- be charming again. Don't be a wounded heart. You win if she starts wanting you again as more than a friend. Bringing up the past isn't going to do that, focusing on present and future and showing her (not telling her) the best side of you and a side that has improved whatever she found lacking previously might have some slim chance.

    • >> [...] but my heart is telling me maybe she still has feelings.

      On this part, a lot of wounded exes will still feel like they know every aspect of the girl. After all, you two shared so much together. But there's a massive blind spot which is apparent when we remove the bias. If you truly understood the full extent of her feelings, she wouldn't have left you in the first place. Trying to cling onto every word she says and analyzing it and believing you understand exactly how she feels about you is often a counter-productive path to further pain.

      Instead it helps to focus just on yourself. Try to improve yourself and fix yourself and do whatever you need to do in order to be an attractive, charming, happy guy again -- not just to her but to all sorts of women. It's typically your best chance to attract her again, but also to start really mending that broken heart.

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    • >> [...] the more I think she's just relieved I'm over it and wants to be friends.

      This is almost certainly the case, sorry to say.

      BUT to be on friendly terms at least gives you some material to work with to change her mind. I'm not sure if I should be telling you this so much since I don't want to raise your hopes up too high and get you stuck in limbo.

      To really have the best chance of appealing to her romantically/sexually again usually requires moving on to a healthy degree. You can't be stuck in limbo.

      Too often a broken heart renders a guy into like a wounded animal wanting to return to his "master" -- the one who controls his happiness. And girls typically don't dig a guy who's going to follow them around and let them have that extent of control over his happiness.

      More often if you want to attract any girl, but especially an ex who thinks of you only in friendly terms, you have to be more like an independent wolf, happy and free without her.

    • ... one who can treat her like an equal again and not someone who you absolutely need to be happy.

      So if you meet her for coffee and want to continue the relationship, however it's going to be, I recommend again focusing on present and future. Try to be charming, try not to dwell on the past relationship, try to just be a charming guy who shows her a good time. Don't try to force it too much since you don't want it to be an obvious act. Really try to make the effort to make it genuine.

      You can see how agreeing on the break-up elicited a positive response from her, even if it's only friendly. So again keep at that for now, don't be rewinding and going back into talking about the relationship so much -- present and future.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Course it's as she's happy you accepted it. Considering all you really did was tel her youve accepted it and suddenly she's not anxious anymore

    • Yeah, I think you're probably right, unfortunately.

    • Sorry, maybe she might change her mind

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