Is it time to end my long-term relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years now, since we were both 16. The relationship has had its ups and downs, including us breaking up twice (both his decision), but getting back together soon after. Over the past year or so, we've both been getting less and less happy, and I know both of us have changed our behaviour.

I unfortunately suffered a sexual assault 3 years ago, and my sex drive and general desire for physical contact have fluctuated greatly since. I'm definitely still healing. This has meant that in the past few months, most of the time it'll take me several weeks to psych myself up to having sex. I understand that this is hard for him. However, the way he's been dealing with it has really been getting to me.

We'll often drink together, and things tend to come out then; most often, he says he doesn't feel loved. He means in physical and non-physical terms, but I know the physical is a big thing for him. But what keeps happening is, when I make it clear to him that I'm not in the mood, he'll go all mopey.
Most recently, he rolled onto his back, and after a while said "I hate our relationship".

That was jarring, to say the least. That night after he went to his own bed, I went through being mortified, then angry, then determined. In the morning I was googling signs of manipulative relationships, and ours fit plenty of the criteria. I feel like I'm always overreacting, like I'm always wrong, like my boundaries are always being pushed. I was ready to leave that morning, but I ended up crying and asking him if he still wanted to be together. I said he did, but it was "hard sometimes".

There's not enough room here for me to say everything I want to, but know that this is a common occurrence; he wants sex, I say no, he says something awful to make me feel bad and acts like nothing happened the next day. I know I'm hesitating partly because we've been together so long, but I'm sick of feeling like I'm some heartless bitch. Please help.


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What Guys Said 1

  • Aren't you gay? So why are you with a guy?

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What Girls Said 1

  • You could try couples therapy if you really do love him

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    • I'm toyed with the idea, but honestly I'm not sure if we'd achieve anything. Every time we do start a serious conversation about this, it ends with him avoiding everything until I give up, and nothing gets solved.

    • maybe with someone mediating he'll talk more.

    • Most likely. It's definitely easier for him to get out of things when it's just me trying.

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