I was in a relationship with a girl for about 11 months. It was an up and down relationship but we had some real high points. In our 9th & 10th month together we started saying I love you and talking about the future together in a partly serious way (moving in, having kids). It felt like we turned a corner. We got into a big fight and then she became in her words "indifferent." The fight started because was being bitchy, put me down, and said a few hurtful things so I got frustrated, exasperated and yelled. I said sometimes she made me feel like a "f'ing idiot." Once we cooled down I immediately and genuinely apologized and tried to make things work. She said no one has ever talked to her that way, but also told me a previous boyfriend hit her. (?) She also was abused when she was young. She fell out of love so quickly and did not put in the same about forgiving and moving on. She didn't even really care to hang out anymore. How can someone who is in love fall out of it so quickly? I know she has issues with trust and intimacy, but I still feel like she sabotaged or threw our relationship away. We broke up about a month ago, no personal contact since. I'm in depression.
Most Helpful Girl
I am a third year student in college and I'm learning lifespan development it's a psychology course. I learned that when someone has been abused in any shape or form or even just neglected which is a form of abuse not only does it affect them then, but later on in the future. Because she was abused she puts her guard up. There is a critical stage in life where "insecure-disorganized" happens. Usually this happens when they are infants and toddler yeasrs. When someone is being abused they will not develop an expectation of anything but. She was abused when she was young during this stage and she doesn't have much trust towards anyone. My siblings were adopted they were abused and then my parents took them into our home. There is a lot of insecurity because of this. Honestly if someone falls out of love that quickly, then they never truly loved them and I'm sorry to say that. I hope im wrong and that everything works out for you. Give her some time. try again and if she still doesn't forgive you move on bc it might not be a healthy relationship1
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Most Helpful Guy
I know it’s painful after having such a good time with her, that she suddenly goes cold like that. It feels like the rug has been pulled from under you. However, I suggest you take a different view of things.
First, notice how you admit there were rocky parts of the relationship but somehow this is okay with you. In other words, there is some opinion you have of yourself that makes it okay to be in an up-and-down situation like that. But is that what you really want? I mean, really, really?
I’d imagine you’d want a relationship described as “amazing” predominantly and if so, you shall have it. You have to change your attitude a bit because now, the language you’re using about the relationship is the language of death: “we’re done for”. Can you hear how your own words are creating powerful images almost violent in nature? This relationship may be over but it is always, always the case that something better is just around the corner, if you’ll just relax and not be so hard on yourself.
The other thing which might be helpful is to give up blaming her. You say she “sabotaged” the relationship and then diagnose her from things in her past. Let me tell you, and this is the opposite of what psychology teaches but it really is true: your past has nothing to do with how you, or anyone, behaves. Your thoughts and opinions do, and we are all in 100% control of them at all times.
For example, please picture in your mind, a picture of a buy soldier with an AK-47. Now, imagine a rose bush in a beautiful garden. You just proved the awesome power of your mind. She has control over hers as well and there’s no diagnosis needed. In fact, she now sounds like a medical case and not a person you love. So my recommendation would be to own up to the love and forget trying to understand her.
The truth is, you don’t really know the reasons for many of the things you do, so it’s impossible to imagine you’d be able to truly “understand” someone else. Loving someone, on the other hand, is much easier, if you’ll forget what your parents taught you.
I suggest you realize that where she is now, you don’t want her back. The reason is that she doesn’t want you right now, so she’d leave again before sunset. Like Singlebee says, give her time, plenty of time, and if she feels better, she will come back. In the meantime, focus 100% on your own mind. Practice thinking positive and uplifting thoughts about the future and what’s going to happen. This will yield great results.
I hope this1