Hating myself for cheating?

So one night I was drinking with this guy who's my friend and I kissed him. I told my boyfriend that night because I felt overwhelmed with guilt. He immediately broke up with me. Now we are both very depressed but he has decided he will never get back together with me even though I have offered to let him track me and my text messages, anything he needs to gain my trust back but he still won't get back. He says he misses me so bad but that he would never be able to trust me again. I keep holding into false hope. And I just want to drink to take the pain away. I won't let myself sleep and have thought of harming myself. How do I let go and forgive myself?
Hating myself for cheating?
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