Feelings of regret after a break up I felt I had to do?

I was with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. After a while I noticed he had paranoia issues, trust issues, and anger issues. I had to deal with it first hand... the fightings, the cussing, the abnormal questions. Still I loved him at his best and believed he would fix his issues...

Well.. after several months of uncertainty, I decided to end our relationship. I felt that his issues were causing me a lot of pain and anxiety. And although towards the end he decided to see a therapist to help himself, I felt I fell out of love in a sense. That I had lost a lot of hope and drive because I was fighting for us alone for quite a long time.

Now here I am, single. & I can't help but feel regretful even though I tried everything I felt I could. I know this is good for both of us because I truly think we both need to help get back up after an emotional rollercoaster. But I'm not sure how to cope with missing his presence in my life.. missing his family and all that I had built. Did i make a mistake?
( I don't think he realized how wrong some of these things were. & he was so sure that we were going to end up together. Im not sure why he never understood that these were red flags.. but the fact that he didn't understand made me even more terrified. )


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What Guys Said 3

  • From my perspective, we all have to make choices in our lives based on the information we have at the time, and at the time you made this choice you felt it was best given what you’ve gone through with him over the last year and half, which is understandable.

    A person can only handle so much drama, heartache, and pain, in both trying to help the one they care about and love, and looking after their own happiness, and by what you’ve posted you hung in there as long as you could, before you had to finally make the harsh decision to leave.

    The reason you feel as badly as you do is because rarely does anyone want to believe they’ve failed. Whether they feel as in your case you failed yourself, your boyfriend, or the two of you together, doesn’t matter. You’re mind and heart are going through the regrettable motions of grief; the different stages. This is absolutely and perfectly normal. You have nothing to be ashamed of, because you finally had to step away.

    To have a healthy, stable, relationship, both people making up the couple, you and your boyfriend, have to work in union together to make the relationship not only work, but progress further; to evolve beyond what it originally started as.

    Your boyfriend wasn’t willing to see the RED FLAGS of his behavior and how it was affecting you adversely. At least not until the end and as regrettable as this fact is, it doesn’t put all the weight of what happened on your shoulders.

    And to what you had built over the course of the year and half with his family; there’s no reason why you aren’t able to remain connected to them. To remain in friendship. Who knows, perhaps in the future, once he’s gotten more help now that he’s seeing a therapist, perhaps fate and chance might bring the two of you back together again.

    Yet even if that’s not the case, there’s nothing stating you can’t still remain supportive of him and be friends with those you connected with while with him, just because you and him are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. That’s my bottom line.

    • Thank you so much for your helpful reply. I do agree with you. & think for a long time, I was growing more and more tired of having to deal with such things. We had "talks" about how to work on things far too much and it never really seemed to work fully. Just as soon as i thought that he understood about his anger, he would get paranoid over something and make me realise he really does not get the whole of it. He even suggested marriage on a weekly basis as if we were ready for it. & I would be so confused because here I am trying to fix our issues and it seems as though he does not see any that are red flags. I guess he never really understood what he put me through because he was never in my shoes. I was very calm and care free and trusting. It honestly took a lot from me to explain and re explain common concepts to him such as not calling me a bitch. after a while i think i lost respect for him because i know that a mature man would k

    • And given you have reached that revelation, you need to stay true to such a conviction and continue to trust in yourself, your instincts, and believe in yourself as to knowing what’s right for you and as you say, “what a mature man would know better of.”

      With that being said, I also believe you need to forgive yourself as much as you’re able regarding what you’ve lost and what you were forced to decide. This isn’t your fault. You should know this not only in your head, but in your heart. Give yourself time to adjust and heal from this. It will be okay.

  • No you did what you had to. People have to get better for themselves first and if it goes well maybe in a few years you two can try again. But right now old patterns would continue.

  • Nope. You did the right thing. You don't wanna brings kids into something unhealthy.


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