My boyfriend wants to limit communication after a fight because 'he is in a place of anger...' but he is the one who lied... Are we over?

We fell in love last year. We have life experience, both wanted a serious, commited relationship. We were enough confident to talk mariage for the following year. But the more we progressed with the relationship, the more we started fighting over stupid things. Him distracted, not listening/paying attention when I talked. Being very intense, having mood swings. He was always late, procrastinated, made socialy weird comments in front of people. Had poor health hygiene. I am patient, easy going, sweet according my loved ones. I became sad, angry, felt disrespected even if I knew deep down he really loved me. I couldn't put my finger on it, something was making us miserable. We fought more than ever. First, he was nice, apologized when necessary. But the more time passed by, the more he became ressentful. My frustration grew up. Within 6 months, we were fighting every week. Our beautiful love became so sad. He accused me of being impatient. To him, our problems were due to my 'anger issues'. I was the one who didn't know how to talk, which tone of voice use. The relationship was amazing... when we didn't fight. One evening, we had dinner with a couple of his friends. While the guys were busy, his friend's girlfriend told me how happy they were he found a great girl, since he is not easy, especially that he used to be under medication. In choc, I pretended I knew. I felt so bad, I didn't told him until last week. Turns out, he has ADHD but never told me. Even if it highly affect a relationship. Even if it meant lying to me and holding me responsable for it all. He is mad his friend told me, say ADHD is an invention and dosent exist. I am relieved: it wasen't just me. Now I know there was a reason to our fights. Now he said he is drained after our last argument, 5 days ago. He needs a break. I am exhausted, feel betrayed. He dosent want to talk, reply text or calls. I guess I just have to let this die.


Most Helpful Guy

  • His friends may have told you he has ADHD, but are they confusing that condition with bi-polar disorder? What you describe of your BF's behavior points more toward that.

    It takes an incredible volume of patience to deal with someone who has bi-polar. Incredible! My step daughter had that problem. They are emotionally draining, consider themselves only in any situation, and have a difficult time in social situations.

    From what you wrote, a long term relationship was not likely to work well, if at all. If they have meds, AND actually take them, people with these issues seem to do OK. The problem is they take the meds, start feeling OK, then stop, thinking they don't need them any more. OR... the meds make them "feel" disconnected, and un-feeling of nearly every emotion, so they stop taking the meds.

    • Thank you for your comment.
      I have, at this point, no idea if it's only ADHD. I feel uncomfortable dressing the issue with him. Though I am very open mindel and understanding, I know he his extremely uncomfortable with th etopic. So I feel alone, left in the dark.

      I really don't know what to do

    • Trust me, dealing with someone who is bi-polar is enough to try your patience beyond your ability. My step daughter did that constantly. She constantly played my wife and I against each other. With her friends, she would stir up strife, then wondered why they all hated her.

      If you're not up for this, by all means back away and don't feel bad about it. Some people require an extreme volume of patience and a special personality to deal with them. If he can't be upfront about this issue, he won't be upfront about other important things as well.

Most Helpful Girl

  • adhd does not cause the sorts of anger issues you are describing; it is a learning disability, not a mood disorder.

    that said, in the past, learning abilities have been linked to mood disorders like depression and bipolar, so it's possible there is something else going on.

    still, nothing about this relationship sounds healthy. i'd say you dodged an entire magazine of bullets.

    • I feel like a joue, as if I was laughed at. As if I have no idea what is/ was going on. I really loved him... I don't understand where I went wrong.

    • if everything you posted is true, then you did nothing wrong.

      his anger issues are not your fault; he needs to deal with those on his own terms.

    • Thank you. Yes, everything I posted is true. I wish there was more space to provide more détails and informations. For sure, I am guilty for losing patience sometimes or overreact but my reaction would have been very different have I known the reasons that made him act/ react certain way. I am very sad and a little mad at him that he actually wasen't planning on telling me, after a little more than one year dating. I feel like if any one should have been mad hère, it's me! Instead, he said he needs quiet time alone, dosent want to talk because he his drained (me too) and I have no idea if he still loves me, want us to work things out together and start on a new, HONNEST base (me knowing his condition).

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • Yes it's over. It was over A LONG TIME AGO.

  • yeah, you'll get over him fast. you are a woman after all


What Girls Said 2

  • If he loves you, I don't think he will break up. My dad friends said something to my mom once and my dad felt really hurt by it and had an argument with my mom ( this was before I was even born, I wasn't even in her belly, matter of fact this happened before they even thought of having kids ) and my dad has a hard time controlling his emotions and anger so my mom let him have his space when he wanted to be left alone.

    • So once he felt better they talked and now my dad tells my mom everything now

    • By the way everything worked great and they have been happy for a long time because my sister is 33, my brother is 28 and I'm 24.

  • In all honesty it would be for the best if you both went your separate ways.

    • Why? I'm starting to wonder if he ever loved me

    • Show All
    • Thank you Kaylyne :-)

    • No it's just that bipolar people have a different way of expressing their love. Sometimes loving such people is painful but bare in mind they're not hurting others consciously or on purpose. Is he worth the anguish and pain? My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago. It nearly tore us apart. I know it's hard but this is a battle worth fighting.

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