At what point do you break up with a depressed person?

Just some background info, my girlfriend and I are both 22 and have been together for 2 years. I have struggled with depression (diagnosed by a psychiatrist) off and on since I was 11. I've gone through medication, treatment, and therapy, so I understand what it's like to be depressed.

When I was at a low peak in my depression for 6 months during the relationship, my girlfriend stuck by my side. I was very withdrawn. I wouldn't contact her for a few days at a time, barely saw her, and just stayed at home by myself.

Now, I'm in a better emotional state, but my girlfriend has been going through depression for the last 7 months. Her depression is the opposite of mine. She is really needy, she needs my attention constantly. She wants me to come over and spend all day and night with her. She needs me to text her without delays and call her constantly. She has frequent outbursts of anger. She cries multiple times a day.

She doesn't want me to hangout with friends, ever. She wants me to completely remove my few close friends from my life (delete their number, block them off social media, etc.) and only focus on her and move in with her. If I refuse to do that or can't come over because of work, she tells me I don't care about her.

She doesn't have health insurance and therefore hasn't gotten evaluated by a professional. Her family has also discouraged her to getting help by convincing her that depression isn't a real thing, she just needs to toughen up.

I'm kind of torn. I love her very much and a part of me feels like I should stick by her side through it, after all, that's what she did for me. On the other hand I feel like I'm only dragging myself down, it's been going on for 7 months.

At what point is enough, enough?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • There is a fine line between depressed and co-dependant. And there are those willing to get help and those who won't. It sounds like there is some manipulation going on there. Isolating you from the world just because she isn't capable of interacting with others right now isn't healthy. If you decide to stay, the absolute best things you can do for her right now is set some boundaries, and stick to them. She needs structure. Your local hospital can also give you references for programs that can help her, free of charge.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well I am sorry to hear of the struggles you face, both with your own issues and dealing with hers. Are you in the US? Since she does not have insurance, I'd imagine she would qualify under the affordable care act? I'd see about getting her insurance asap and getting her into a doctor. If you are currently in treatment, you might want to check with a nurse in that office for what route your girlfriend can take to get insurance in your state. (Assuming you are in the US.) // I went through something similar with a girlfriend when I was around 26, only she was mean to me instead and chased me out of her life. Her way of dealing with her depression was to be mean to everyone so they would avoid her. So not exactly the same as your situation.

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Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 14

  • You do right away, before you you grow bitter and resentful because their making you miserable and draining your energy. You are not responsible for your girlfriends problem. You can't carry her baggage. You know you can't handle it, then let it go. Overall she does need to stay strong and find a purpose for her life. Depression is real, BUT it is also spiritual and psychologically. Something has infiltrated her state of mind and soul. She is vulnerable and doesn't have an healthy outlet. And her parents are NOT helping. If she can't receive professional help. Then the best way to handle this is to go to a community church that is willing to at least speak to her and offer her guidance and direction. IF she wants that. If she don't take that offer, then you have to make the tough choice, to leave her alone. This relationship either ends by you or it will end by itself. She has to change, and want it or else its over.

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  • i was pretty much in the same position as "your girl" a month or so ago. Expect my depression is more like yours self isolation. No, there is nothing wrong with your chest yes you are beautiful your not fat there's nothing wrong with your thighs you aren't stupid i told her the same shit everyday a 1000 times never complained never bothered me was always there for her when NO ONE else was. No matter how i was feeling even if i was going through my own SHIT i put her first always even when i was feeling alone and wanted to be alone i always put that to the side but when she got in a better place than me and i was in a even worse place from constantly neglecting how i was feeling to be there for her when she was never there for me, she couldn't handle it anymore can you imagine that? She couldn't anymore? I dealt with way more than she did while going through my own shit yet this was to much for her ha! I couldn't make her feel pretty anymore so she need somebody else too. I guess selfish follows a similar path doesn't it sir? I say dump her. Someone else will appreciate her way more than you did, and when your back in the place you were and realize there's not many people in this world like her who will be willing to put up with your bullshit and be there for you when they are being pushed away and when that happens you'll realize the person she was and hopefully reflect on the person you are because after all, what has she done for you lately? Thats all that matters

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  • She sounds codependent not depressed.

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  • She was there for you from the start to the end, you should try to be there for her without destroying your own life. Have a talk with her and be honest, tell her what you think about the situation and if things don't change and get worse, break up with her but stay in her life as a friend, because she clearly needs u.

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  • If you truly love her, you'll support her at her utter worst. If the effects of her depression is causing you disturbance, exclaim to her in the most kindly, gingerly manner that she needs to tone it down then say something along the lines after like "I love you and I'll be here to support and adore you infinitely." That'll make the confrontation seem less defensive.

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  • I'd suggest taking action yourself. Her family might not understand like you do and maybe talk to her yourself before throwing in the towel. If she can get better stick around and help but have your own life too and remind her you need it.
    My boyfriend and I both struggle with depression his because he eas diagnosed with a fatal genetic disease and mine lasting scars from a stressful childhood and losing loved ones.
    He wants to be left alone to deal with it and I need him around when it's at it's worst. We'd both drop everything to be there but understand we do have lives other than each other and we need to be strong on our own which is a good thing.
    Have a sit down talk to her about what you see in her and ahout options for her, tell her how you feel and what you need from her and make compromises
    If after she still won't litsen or accept it it might be time to find a more stable enjoyable life for yourself
    Be very wary if she's suicidal though

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  • Have a proper talk to her. A lot if the stuff she is doing needs to stop. Just calmly sit her down one night and just talk it through with her and say its getting a bit hard on you

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  • She sounds like a damn psycho

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  • When you can't anymore, you can't. You start talking yourself into staying, you're lying to yourself and that should be the worst point.

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  • Draw a line, tell her you love her but their are things your not gonna do, and if she can't accept that or compromise with you then just leave her. she's being codependent, you can't just solely focus your life on her it's not heathy for either of you

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  • GIRLS-
    This is why you need to be careful who you're down for. You could support a man for years and years and years even, and the moment you need him he'll be out. Not every guy will appreciate what you do girls, so watch out! Make sure he's down, and when times are low for you he's there as much as you are for his low times.

    OP- just go send her to get help, then walk away. Honestly. It's not nice for you or for her if you aren't there because you want to be there instead of being there halfway or for a short time til you're sick of doing shit for her.

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    • No.

      She's monopolizing his time and refusing to try and help herself. He wants to help her, but at some point you just can't be there for someone when they need you all the time and refuse to let you take care of your own needs

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    • @FallOutBoy2001 I don't think he should be enabling her by doing everything she asks. I don't think anybody should enable any depressed person... you think you're helping because it makes them happier for a min, but in the long run it won't help at all and can make it worse. I don't think he should do everything she asks and devote every spare moment he has to her, I just think people should always look out for and help those who do that for them. She did for him, when realistically it would have been a trillion times easier for her to just dump him and find a happier boyfriend who doesn't need any of that support. Supporting a depressed partner is draining. She did that. She's good.

    • Yeah. Personally I see his dilemma, and I know what his girlfriend is going through but I do think he should make sure she gets help.

  • When you realize she isn't worth it. If she is stick it out if not let her go...

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  • I'm not sure where you're from. But in the us there are many free clinics for people with mental health issues. You'd have to check with your city I think? I feel like once someone shows that they're down for you then you keep them. I don't see why can't you include her in your hang outs? Or maybe coordinate for her friends to hang with her that same night you hang out with yours. If you really love her then you just gotta work a little harder for her since she's too weak to help herself right now. But if you feel like you're done. Then please, just bounce. It's not fair to her.

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  • You need to decide that for yourself. If you really believe she is depressed, then seriously advise her to look for medical help, give your example and say how much better you feel. Tell her this is being hard for you too and that she knows better than anyone how hard it is to have to watch someone you care so much go through depression. If none of that works and you feel like you can't take it anymore, look after yourself and find something more fullfiling.

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What Guys Said 6

  • I dealt with a girl like that. I took care of her really well and got dumped for a league of legends player who is abusive. Happens all the time to me though.

    If she truly loves you, Id say stick with her, and figure out a way to get her help. Im sure there has to be some sort of free counseling.

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  • I don't know, my friend. This is a very very difficult situation. You could try having a talk with her about whats going on. Also, you could talk to her family (w/o her around) and get them to come around to having her get help. If they love her and love you for being with her - they may come around if you tell them what you see.

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  • I didn't break up with my wife when she had that depression.
    I won't break up if it happens again.

    But I don't know if I'd start something with a depressed person

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  • What if leaving her makes you depressed again? Also, it might make her even more depressed.

    I don't know man, I feel bad for the both of you.

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  • You might need to take a break away from her. You have to look out for yourself. Especially if you suffer from depression.

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  • You need a break or she will destroy you. Somehow she needs
    professional help. Now I'm not an M. D., but please, for the love
    of God find help somehow. If not she will destroy you and in my opinion
    nobody is worth that.

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