Should I end it?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years... we've been a pretty amazing pair overall. I'm so happy with him, he's been my best friend for years before we got together, and I knew I would fall in love with him the moment I met him... I'm still madly in love with him, I seriously think and talk about him obsessively. We've talked about marriage, and I'm sure that if I could just find a way... :(

I'm going to say upfront that we've run into a couple stumps, and I know relationships can be messy, and I take full responsibilities for any of my actions...

Anyways, it's my first year in college and I'm a couple states away from home. When I got here I was eager to fit in, so I went out almost every weekend at first with my roommates. All of my problems started with one night where my roommate convinced me that I should drink with her... it was in October, we had been in school for months and I didn't really have any stable friends, and she convinced me that everything would be okay and it would only be three shots... I don't normally drink, so three shots out of nowhere really f***ed me up.

**** ITS NOT THE TYPICAL DRUNK GIRL STORY**** I didn't cheat on him in any way, I never flirted with anyone, I didn't end up on girls gone wild, I just had 3 shots with my roommate. My other roommate, who was also there, didn't know which room I was in, so she freaked out and basically had the whole party look for me... even tho I was in the very next room...

Anyways, I was going to tell him when I got home for thanksgiving, I knew that his reaction was going to be... bad; so I thought this dramatic change was worth waiting on... but he found out because he somehow got a hold on a Facebook message I sent some guy who helped my other roommate find me before I got to even tell my boy friend about it... Fuck up #1

Then I have the issue of how I didn't call him every night before I went to sleep... we talk everyday... I don't know why I didn't call... it really scared him because it was out of the ordinary... Fuck up #2

Also, he ran into some pictures of me next to other guys, and one of me kissing my gay friend on the cheek (but I also had like 3 pictures of me kissing my best girl friends on the cheek, so its not like he was special or anything). This obviously angered him... I don't know what I was thinking.

Quick note: I've NEVER even THOUGHT of cheating on my bf. I don't see other guys as guys, I just see them as people... I seriously NEVER checked out a guy while I was here.

And there were nights where I drank and didn't tell him, but then I told him later over break- and this also f***ed with his head...

Overall, I just keep f***ing up... and every time we argue, this stuff comes up and we go back to that. I'm afraid this will just come up for the rest of our lives and I REALLY DO NOT want to hurt him anymore. He's been really hurt by all of this and I feel like I don't deserve him. I don't want to break up with him, but I feel like I have to.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • No you don't [keep f***ing up].

    Repeat after me: I am not a f***-up.

    Got that? Good.

    I'll start by saying I used to be that guy and I was actually engaged. My then fiancee went to school on the other side of the country and believe me it was hard so I know exactly where you're coming from.

    Now, with our common bond established, let me tell you how you can AVOID ending up like me:

    1. YOU ARE NOT A F***-UP. Everybody makes mistakes and your boyfriend needs to understand that.

    2. YOUR MISTAKES ARE NOT THAT BAD. Believe me on this one, I would know. I went through some serious hurdles due to distance and they weren't over minor transgressions like yours. He has to understand that it CAN be worse and should be grateful it isn't.

    3. COMMUNICATE. Not in the talk to him every day way, but in the explain that you can't always talk to him every day. You're in college now, you have class, homework, and (if you're like me) a time difference. None of this means you love him any less, remind him.

    p.s. If you don't have a time difference be grateful for that as well, trust me, it helps.

    4. HE ISN'T PERFECT EITHER. I'm sure he's made a mistake or two and if he hasn't he will. This isn't pessimism, it's realism, and it comes from my own personal experience. It took me a long time to realize that my fiancee wasn't the only one making mistakes, and as much as she tried to right her wrongs it was too late when I finally realized I wasn't so perfect either.

    5. He has to understand that you're trying. I know I've mentioned this one before in my 1-4 but this really has to hit home. My fiancee felt just like you did about f***ing up, about her mistakes, but I was too focused on the little mistakes she'd make that I was blinded to the herculean effort she was making to overcome 4000 miles and three hours of distance. If he isn't going to stop getting mad at you for not being a hermit in your room, you may even want to consider breaking up with him. Yes it will hurt him--and yes it hurt me--but if he won't change even after these 5 things then he won't change regardless of how many other things you do to make up for it.

    From what I'm reading, you're a sweet girl. Yes you're slightly clumsy with the drinking, but aren't we all sometimes? There's nothing wrong with you in this situation, you're doing what you can and I'm sure you're a darling to be around.

    Don't be sad, promise?

    VMS

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    • I'm really glad you could relate to me in that way. This is actually really helpful... I've been crying for hours because we just had this terrible argument over nothing that just came back to these issues...

      But the things is that its so hard to get him to realize that he should be grateful I don't go out drinking every weekend and flirt with other guys, or do something stupid like that... How do I go about getting the points across? I feel like I don't even know him anymore. he's so closed upnow

    • If in his eyes you're constantly messing up, then it's on him to take off his own blindfold. All you can do is be supportive but you can't describe color to the blind.

      You can't change someone's person, if he won't listen you can't hesitate to end it. You're away from home, you're making new friends, and, yes, you have a lot of stresses to deal with--this shouldn't be one of them. A relationship should make things easier, not weigh you down.

      VMS

      I

    • Looking back on this, I'm super grateful to you :) Just thought you should know.

      I left him not too long after that and I've never looked back :)

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What Guys Said 1

  • I honestly don't see what's wrong with drinking a bit too much every now and then. He's probably overreacting because he thinks if you drink and go to parties and stuff and him being so far away you might end up with some other guy. But that's his problem, not yours. You haven't done anything wrong and he should just get over his jealousy.

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What Girls Said 1

  • First up: if your boyfriend is making you believe those things are "f***ed up" then he a controlling d*ckhead. You made NO mistakes WHAT-SO-EVER!

    1. Drinking at a party is not wrong or a f*ck up unless you got drunk and has sex with everyone and everything, if your boyfriend is making you feel bad about you have 3 SHOTS, then he is a douche-bag

    2. OMG YOU DIDN'T CALL HIM EVERY SINGLE NIGHT HOW DARE YOU! - being sarcastic, if he wants to talk why doesn't HE call, you shouldn't HAVE to call EVERY night. he should stop complaining and just call you himself

    3. If he gets ANGRY at you for kissing a GAY friend then he is an overly jealous control freak!

    It sounds like he is bossing you around and controlling you! If he is making you feel like you f*cked up (when you didn't) and making you feel like crap (well it sounds like it because of the way you wrote) then he is NOT the right guy for you. In fact he is making you feel SO BAD that you feel as though you need to prove yourself to US (people on girlsaskguys) - "Quick note: I've NEVER even THOUGHT of cheating on my bf. I don't see other guys as guys, I just see them as people... I seriously NEVER checked out a guy while I was here. " - this sounds like someone is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to confess, if yout boyfriend is making you do this, and feel this way, he is a D*CKHEAD who DOESN'T deserve YOU! You can do so much better. You should not feel bad about kissing your GAY guy friends on the CHEEK or having a drink at a party! Just get some self confidence and stand up for yourself and none of this crap :"I've NEVER even THOUGHT of cheating on my bf. I don't see other guys as guys, I just see them as people... I seriously NEVER checked out a guy while I was here" stand up for yourself it sounds like your boyfriend is walking all over you. YOU ARE NOT A F*CKUP AND ARE NOT F*CKING UP!

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