How can I accept that I will never be with him again?
What Guys Said 2
Everything that you have described is pretty much the textbook definition of a toxic relationship. The off again on again cycle of acceptance and rejection creating addiction, the pulling apart rather than working together, the insecurity and the anxiety, the volatile emotions. None of these things are part of healthy relationships. A healthy relationship is not about utter highs and crushing lows, it's about consistency. Yes, even the best of relationships have ups and downs but not rollercoaster ups and downs. More like waves, not tsunamis.
Any cycle of acceptance and rejection creates addiction, as I've said, because it involves withdrawal and fix and withdrawal. It is akin to being addicted to a drug and love is perhaps the most powerful drug of all. You get a fix of love and you feel on top of the world. It's taken away from you and you crash with the withdrawal. Then the love is back and you feel fixed. Then it's taken away again. This goes right back to your primary needs as a child, the need for the consistent love of a mother, for the reassurance that they will be there when you need them, there when you cry out. When they are not there your most formative sense of security can be thoroughly uprooted.
What you need to do is to see this relationship for how it became and to truly understand how everything was magnified by the toxicity. Every feeling, every emotion was intensified tenfold by the unhealthy nature of the thing. The feelings that you are having now are also greatly magnified in comparison to the true nature of the experience. You are withdrawing from a drug, from an unhealthy drug, from a drug that was destroying you. You need to be clear on that. This is not the dream relationship that you have lost, this is a corrosive relationship that was bringing out the very worst in you. You lost all ability to have balance and perspective and in that respect this could never have worked. The end was inevitable, it was what you both needed.
You need to keep reminding yourself of all of these things in order for you to see through the illusions and the addiction. That will help you to remain resolute in the fact that you needed to be free of this. You need to go cold turkey and get this poison out of your system, to allow you to get your sense of perspective back and to allow you to be able to find healthy, balanced love. Understand that this suffering will be finite, it will end. You are just ridding your body of the drug.
Ok your story will take a lot more than a few online comments to help you resolve this despair. you really are in a difficult place. you should make some serious changes in your life. start asking the big questions... I think that there is no way out of this but to confront your feelings... your story mostly circles around you. the way I see it you have two options; you make some adjustments to your life in such a way that you somehow get this guy to prefer you (which is way more difficult to do) and the other recommended option would be to simply move on... and when I mean move on you have to turn your whole world upside down... change contacts, find hobbies, you have to get distracted... build a different life for yourself... its not easy... but you could do it... you just have to want to do it... you need to put all you got to it...
and the other thing is that he may be your best friend... trust me girl... Ex can't be friends... it's not practical.. anyone who believes so are in the same rut as you are... you need to drop all your feelings and move on... make something out if yourself first... Time to EXPAND YOUR WORLD!
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