Cheating?

my girl cheated on me 5 years ago and I did 4 1/2 years go when our relationship was rocky . she told me 2 months ago and I told her what I did. I had sex 2x with one girl-no feelings or attachments. she said she had sex 2x with one guy. but because she did it with a guy from the same small town and a guy I grew up with I can easily find out details. I did it with a girl from out of state. we are married and happy and both have been faithful since. but I feel so humiliated, insecure and its hard for me to look at her the same, all I see is him and sex scenes in my head because I know how him and we always told sex stories back in high school like a guy thing. I feel uncomfortable going through this town because I know people know but never told me probably cause they didn't want to crush me. here's the tricky part she told me 2x withing a week. it wasn't no good (of course she will say that), it was 2 min, they use condoms, she didn't have an orgasm, he was just humping like crazy like a jack rabbit.Then my questions is y do it again. she says she don't know-it just happen she did say she like him and was feeling him because he was showing her affection and I wasn't at the time. which is true I'm not an affectionate guy then but now that I am married I am learning. I asked this guy who I thought would know., he told me that they had sex one time, she sucked his d***, and he said they talk and hang out after. he said few months went buy she got pregnant by me and lost it and then that when they became just friends, and she was acting crazy because of me. I asked was there more to the story, he said there's more but I'm not getting into it. he said they had sex in the summer. my girl told me it was in December. so that tells me they were hanging out from December to December sparingly. which leads me to believe there were more sex going on . he also told me they didn't use a condom- that's gross I cud have got something... I know one girl who I am ging to ask she will know for sure and will tell me the next time I see her alone. my question is do you think she had more sex like for a year listening to the stories? did she get pregnant by him? can girls have sex more than once if its not good? I feel like when we have sex she maybe fantasizing about him or thinking about him. I ask her but she denies. I will find out the truth.


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  • Part Two:

    The only way you're going to find out about that is to ask your wife. You both went into this marriage with dirty hands, but if you are certain that she is faithful to you now and you are as happy together as you claim to be---do you really want to be stirring things up that could possibly dissolve your marriage over something that happened five years ago? You both messed up, you both made bad choices. OWN them and work on letting them go. It's not your wife's fault the you feel sexually inadequate.

    No one is making you picture your wife with another man. The only one who can make that stop is you. The only person who is making you feel inadequate and humiliated is you. You get what you put out. If all you can think about is that your wife makes you feel humiliated and insecure---that's exactly how you're going to feel. Perception is relative to the person doing the perceiving. You have to make a choice, to either let these negative feelings drag you and marriage down OR you can choose to let them go and rise above it. Realize that you married your wife for a reason and that while you both may have made bad decisions in the past, the only thing that you can do is learn from them in order to make a better life together in the future.

    I'm not saying you have no right to discuss your concerns with your wife. I encourage you to discuss your feelings with her, because they are going to quickly turn into resentment towards her if you don't to something. But, in my humble opinion, I would STRONGLY ADVISE AGAINST snooping for information from other people who have no direct knowledge of the affair. You may be stirring up trouble, where there is none in the first place. Unless, your wife or the other man confided in anyone else---second and third hand accounts can't really be trusted. And after five years, a persons recollection has to be somewhat deteriorated.

    Just, talk to your wife and let her know about the way you've been feeling. Be honest, that way you two can work through this together. Marriage is a two way street. You can't expect her to fix something if she isn't even aware that it's broken in the first place. Stop going around behind her back and be up front with her. If you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else's business, then chances are--she's going to find out about what you're doing anyway--which will cause even more problems in your marriage.

    I know that you feel like there are some details that your wife is leaving out and there probably are some, but sometimes no matter how hard we push people, they're not going to crack. Neither one of you has the moral high ground here, so is it really worth it to try to make her out to be more of a bad guy when it seems that the issue is really one of personal insecurity on your part?

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    • Good advice. but what if she didn't use protection- could have gave him an std or aids for her selfishness.. she got pregnat durig that time but she said he wasn't coming over then , but he knows he was but don't know about if they were having sex or not. what if this is from a reliable source about no condom, oral, and in the summer oppose to what she said in december. sounds like too many loopholes. if he knew this before they got married he wudnt marry her.

    • He had sex with someone else. What if he didn't use protection? He didn't say if he did or not. Both of them cheated. Neither one has the moral high ground. He has no right to pass a morality judgment anymore than she does.

  • I have a feeling I may need to break this answer into two parts.

    First of all, I just have to ask this: With as many doubts as you have about this woman, why the hell did you think it would be a good idea to marry her?

    You obviously have had a chip on your shoulder about this for quite some time and you had to have had a lot of these feelings before you ever got married and knowing that, why marry her? Marriage with this woman isn't going to magically make those problems go away. I'm not saying that you're not right to feel the way that you do. You feel betrayed and you're allowed to feel that way. But, you also betrayed her, so why is it, that for some reason you seem to feel that her transgressions weigh more heavily than yours? You say you feel humiliated? Don't you think that she feels the same way as well? All those emotions, thoughts, and feelings that you have---she has them too. Don't try to make this experience one sided. Don't try to make your wife into more of a bad guy because YOU feel insecure. You were both in the wrong, but unfortunately you're having more trouble dealing with the past.

    You say this happened five years ago? Why would you think that information about your wife's affair that's related to you by second and even third parties would even be remotely reliable after five years? If you want to know the truth, you should be talking to your wife, not to other people who may be seeing your wife in a less than positive light due to their friendship with you. How did you friend know that they didn't use condoms? Was he there watching them have sex? Where's his proof? Unless your wife of the man she cheated with told him that, I would take anything your friend said with a grain of salt. Their personal feelings, especially if they don't like your wife, could cause them to embellish what really happened or even lie about it.

    And, I'm going to be completely straight with you here, your wife probably did lie to you about some of the details to spare your feelings and further embarrassment for you both. I've known a lot of people in similar situations and that's usually what happens. One partner doesn't want to give any more details than they have to because they don't want to hurt the other person any more than they already have. I doubt you gave your wife full disclosure on all the reasons why you slept with the girl you did. You had to have found her attractive in some way or else you wouldn't have had sex with her. TWICE. Does that mean you should rub your wife's face in it? That would just be putting salt in the wound. So, yes, sometimes people lie to save feelings. It may not be morally fair, but that's the way it is.

    Now, I think what you really want to know, is if your wife lied about the DURATION of the affair. Did she tell you the truth about how many times she slept with this guy and for how long she slept with him?

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    • We been happily married with kids until the confessions, but you're right its me who have to get over this.. but I look at her in a different way- with disgust, selfish and I look at her as being like a used good. she doesn't feel like this about me, and I am not saying she shouldnt because I did wrong. but man I wish it was with someone I don't know and definitely not from this samer town. I hate going places in town with her because I feel embarrassed when I see poeple who knows. and the guy my dog brags

    • Well ,if you look at her as used goods, then you, like her, are also "used goods"-like you said. I just don't understand why you perceive her as being the one who is more damaged when you did the same thing. But the long and short of it is--get over it. OR don't. No one can embarrass you unless you let them and if what other people think about your relationship bothers you to the point that you can't go out with her--you may as well throw in the towel now.

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