Ever had to live with knowing an ex is worse of for having been with you?

My girlfriend and I had a pretty abrupt breakup. No one cheated or anything, just one of those complicated series of mis-communications and misunderstandings that come to a head if you let it. She was very upset afterword. She got pretty drastic. Not simple partying or whatever but actions it's going to be very hard for her to move on from/ get out of. In short, she's much worse off for having been with me, and I know 100% she would be fine if not for our breakup. I can't try to help her or anything though I would be there for her.

Part of it is selfish, I don't like feeling guilty and I wish she had good feelings toward me, at least that she knew I never stopped caring about her and loving her, but I have this gnawing feeling that doesn't feel like it will ever go away that I made her life worse by being in it, that I changed her trajectory in a bad way when I could've found a way not to let that happen, even if we still broke up.


Most Helpful Girl

  • It's admirable that you feel enough to care whether she is okay or not, it's not selfish. Even if you wish it because it would make you feel better.

    Here's my personal take on it, though. You are never responsible for anybody else, how they feel, or what they do. You can only do your best. Her emotions aren't yours to regulate for her. It's impossible. You can't take ownership of her feelings. Even if you could, would that really make you feel better? Or would it be exhausting knowing how she feels is all on you and what you do? Nah. Sorry. She is the only one responsible for herself. You didn't change her trajectory, she chooses it. Just like you're closing yours.

    Closure is something you give yourself, no matter the circumstances. The phrase "get closure" is stupid to me, because that's like saying "if I beat my head hard enough against this wall, maybe the wall will eventually decide to be a mattress instead so it'll stop hurting me." Nope. You have to stop trying to get something from someone who not just can't give it, but isn't responsible for giving it. People suffer so much because they want or think they need something from the other person to feel closure, to feel better. You aren't going to get it. Put your effort into you. It's okay for it to hurt. Let it, say hi to the hurt, talk to the hurt, and then let it the fuck go. Stop strangling yourself with it. It's there because what you had meant something to you. Loss hurts. It's okay to hurt, but then you and only you are the one to pick up your pieces and move on. Be kind enough to yourself to accept that she can't and never will be able to give you anything that will be "closure." It is your job to give yourself that.

    However you move forward is on you and only you. Just like it is her. You can wish she would choose a different trajectory, and you can hope for the best for her, but you cannot ever do it for her. Accept that, and then work on your own trajectory. You can take responsibility for any mistakes that were yours, learn from them, and change yourself, but that is the very best and very most anyone can ever do. Is your life better for having had her in it? Or will you let it be worse for it? That's all you get to decide, my friend.


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Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • She'll get over it. She's upset, but her life isn't ruined


What Guys Said 2

  • She is an adult and she needs to own up to her own actions. Even if she was upset and confused and depressed by your break up, it does not mean that any of her actions are your fault. She could have handled it better, but instead she chose to do what she did. Whether or not those actions end up hurting her bad or costing her something dear, none of it is your fault and feeling guilty about it would, in my opinion, be both an exercise in futility and wasted.

  • I wish my ex dar. Had met her husband instead of me. I loved her tho, but we weren't right and she kinda spoiled her wedding night on me


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