Allegedly I'm the love of his life, yet he cheated... why does he not even try to explain?

I was with my boyfriend for over four years. The first three years were bliss, but then I left to work somewhere else. My company received many applications, yet I got the job, so the move was a huge personal success. While things were going really well for me (at least when my career was concerned), they took a turn for the worse for my boyfriend: He made some wrong decisions at work and was forced to leave the company. I supported him and he got another job, but our relationship changed:

Whenever I tried to cheer him up, he became upset, telling me that I had no idea what he was going through. I also experienced some personal troubles related to my family. I was quite frightened by the experience but whenever I turned to him for support, he pushed me away. We were in a long-distance relationship and geographical distance turned into an emotional one. Adding to our troubles was the fact that he had met other women, who thought that he was single. While he told me about these meetings (Quote: "Look, I met her for lunch, nothing happened but she did think it was a date..."), the fact that it happened more than once (four times!) caused me to question his fidelity. I slowly but steadily lost my trust in him. This lead us to break up a few months later.

After our break-up, he kept contacting me, though. Even after he found a new girlfriend. While this did hurt my feelings, I accepted it. Our contact remained purely platonic, so I thought nothing of it.

A couple of months later, he calls me, telling me that he just broke up with his new girlfriend, he realized that he has made the biggest mistake of his life, I'm the one he needs to be with etc. To make a long story short: We got back together. But my doubts about his loyalty remained...

One month later, he forgot his phone at my place when he came to visit. That evening he got a text message from his now ex-girlfriend which read something like "Hey honey, what are you doing? I miss you and I love you" etc. I was furious. So I logged on to his email account... and found evidence that he cheated on me during the last six months of our relationship not only with this girl but also with another woman. I can't begin to describe how I felt. I broke up with him that night, writing him a letter telling him that I want him out of my life forever (among other things). He tried calling me the next two days after that (until he received the letter I guess), but I hung up every time because I felt so incredibly furious. He also sent me a text message in which he tried to apologize... a text message!

Now that the rage has gone for the most part I can't help asking myself why he isn't making more effort to contact me. Does this mean he never really had feelings for me? If this was the case, why go through the trouble of winning me back after we broke up for the first time? Do you have any opinions? I would really appreciate them. Sorry, if this is really long. I just had to get it off my chest. Thank you!

Updates:
Thank you for your answers so far!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Hi,

    From what you told us, he pushed you away when you needed him during a family difficulty, you tried to comfort him during his rough time losing his job and feeling down but he got upset.

    I think he doesn't like responsibilty and that's why he pushed you away and got upset when you tried to comfort him, he tries to take on things without the help of others but just can't cope so puts a barrier up for everyone.

    This type of person I'm trying to explain would be one that doesn't like to be left on their own and becomes a tad clingy, mybe not just with you but with someone who shows them some interest like you say a girl going on dates, in his head he was thinking this is good some company but also some guys when the option to sleep with a girl especially when your guys maybe doesn't get much of the "Good Thing" us men will let out arrow do the leading.

    Long distance relationships to me won't work, you have to be close to you spouse if you can't break up and meet up later in life because someone will cheat but that's not always the case but someone who acts like your ex they will to feel loved or close to someone.

    He wants a bit of both worlds and isn't sure what he wants.

    I hope this helps you.

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    • It really did, thank you so much!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 8

  • Basically, you feel like you are owed more than you got (an apology at least).

    Just be happy you are out. It is unfortunate that when some relationships end badly there is never a reconciliation, but remember it ended badly so it's going to leave a bitter taste in your mouth. It sucks believe me I know, but just be happy your out.

    Not every guy cheats and please don't take it out on the next guy you date...also don't take a cheater back...ever.

    Give it time and gradually forget about him like the other bad experiences in life.

    If this doesn't help then perhaps you can email him telling him you are ready to forgive him and arrange a lunch meeting or dinner with him.

    When he arrives lean in to give a one armed hug and when he opens both of his arms taze the sh*t out of him with your other arm which he didn't see reaching for your tazer.

    Hopefully these two solutions help.

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    • Thanks a lot, hahaha... I think I'll stick to the first one. If this would make me lose my trust and my ability to love someone, my ex would have "won" (I know it's not the most suitable expression). And I'm not going to allow that because he ain't worth it! And he isn't worth going to jail for either... and that's probably what would happen if I tazed him or acted out any other of the violent plans my brain came up with... ;-)

    • I'm just trying to give you options. Deep down if you could get awards for second best answers I'd like to think this one snuck in there, lol.

      Stay positive we're not all bad.

      Take care.

    • "When he arrives lean in to give a one armed hug and when he opens both of his arms taze the sh*t out of him with your other arm which he didn't see reaching for your tazer." <--I LOL'ed.

      On a serious note, I agree. Time to move on. Call up some friends and go to a bar or join a club or something. Anything to get him off your mind. He just wanted his cake AND pie. Don't let him get away with it. He probably loved you but was not in love with you anymore and you were his security blanket.

  • A near identical scenario happend to me a few years ago. I simply got itchy feet and met up with another girl for just a bit of fun but it ended up getting a bit too involving. Because of me liking this other girl I started to resent my current g/f, often making nasty comments and generally being hostile towards her.

    Then enough was enough so I walked out and moved back in my parents house. I finished work late and got a phone call from my newly made ex as I was on my way around to this new girls place saying how she hacked my email and knew everything I'd been upto. she was not a happy bunny to say the least.

    Only a week later after constant bitching it all started settling down and becomming more civil and the initial excitment of this new girl started wearing off, I ended up landing myself right in the s**t . I said after a few drinks and a brilliant time in bed with my ex that I'd come back and it'll be like it used to be. But then I had this other girl who I gave the impression we were a couple so break the news to. I still liked her and simply didn't have the balls to tell her so ended up stringing them both along for a short while. I was the envy of work and my friends though, having two women on the go but it was a proper head f**k.

    Next was when I was really landed up s**t street. I had no idea that my ex who I was back with had got the girl I was seeings number off my phone and they had discussed everything. Then both of them hated me with a passion. I was made to look a right tit. But lucky for me my ex (the first one) took me back and after a long time and all was back to normal with me appreciating her much more. But women hold grudges for a very very long time. I learnt my lesson anyway.

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  • Did you ever think that maybe he MIGHT be trying to apologize those two times he called you? Let's be honest, the guy deserved to be stomped on, so I'm not saying what you did was wrong. You told him, apparently, that you wanted him out of your life for good. Maybe this is his way of giving you the permanent break that you need.

    I know that if I did something like that, I would know I was fully to blame and try my best to make it easier on the other person. If disappearing forever was that way, so be it (though I wouldn't do that in the first place).

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  • Why would he explain something knowing that there is no logical, right or a strong argument to defend himself? What you did is the best way out of it, cheating for 6 month, with multiple parteners, trust me, ur entilted to someone much better!

    PS: do not bother to win him back, he is not gona change, had he been willing to, he would have made contact!

    Regards,

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  • There's a simple answer to this... He cheated, which means you are NOT the love of his life.

    If you love the person you're with, cheating wouldn't even cross your mind...

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  • just let it go. it sucks it had to end this way but he mad the choice. can you respect yourself if you take him back? I realize your in your 30s and if kids is what you want maybe you just missed that boat.

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    • Just to clarify: I would never take him back, not if he came begging! After four years I just think that an apology would have been nice... for the good times that we had. I'm so glad that I did not marry this person or have children with him! Imagine the mess that would have been. Whether I will have kids or not, only time will tell.

  • 1. guys take break ups seriously. We are very literal. When a girl says "get out of my life." we just take her at her word. We get the hell out of her life. We do not think "hmm I wonder if she means she wants me to spend the next 6 months calling her?" So it does not mean he never loved you when he doesn't call you, it just means he believed you when you said not to call him (I am AMAZED how many girls post questions like that on this website, its like girls do not pay attention to what they themselves actually said.)

    2. I think long distance relationships are always doomed. When your lover is away, you get horny and lonely, its simple biology. Some people with agree with me, what can I say? I am honest about the human sex drive.

    3. I think monogamy is often doomed. This is not popular with the main stream, but we all crave a variety of partners. Especially guys. Lots of guys just lie to the women they are with and get sex outside the relationship discreetly. They don't want to end the relationship, it's just that's the only way they are satisfied. Its better to just end the lies and be honest about having an open relationship, and not lie.

    Having said all that, I have never met this guy. He might just be a jackass.

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  • this is the problem with most of the girls

    i don't understand y girls want guys to only love the 1... as you are busy with ur work... he might tries to find pleasure else where

    just be with him.. appology for ur attitude, go to him first, and he will b damn happy.

    do pay the attention and try to spend most ur time with him. if physically not possible, then keep in tuch with him thru text

    send hundreds of text a day and he won't find himself alone to go with other girls

    my girlfriend lives 7000 miles away from me and we have been in a relation since last 9 years, I take an interest in other girls and I do flirt but still I love my girlfriend more than any thing and I will..

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    • That sounds like a lot of work, I'm glad if it works out both for you and you girlfriend! Just curious: Does she know about the flirting? Would it hurt you if she dis the same?

    • Exactly - sounds like a lot of bloody work and energy to spend on a loser who cheated on you. To appologize for your attitude?? Riddiculous.

What Girls Said 9

  • Here is the truth about why he hasn't contacted you: to reverse the Power Play. He's probably googled how to get you back, and they ALL say: Stay Away! It's a psychological trick to make you wish He would Take You Back! Crazy I know. But people usually want what they can't have and right now, he's making you think it's him! If you look back at how you got back together, you had the power, staying away from him, and that meant he couldn't stop thinking about you. He broke down and asked you to come back. You relented and the chase lost it's excitement.

    As for him cheating, he just wanted someone to make him feel stronger and more manly than he felt. You had a great career, and it hurt his ego. The other women don't know what he was going through: they just saw a hot and successful looking man and he got caught up!

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  • You should be aware of one thing, when a guy loses a job it hits their ego like you would not believe. I have learned this over the years. And when a guy's ego is down the tubes, they can be very tempted to pump it back up with female attention. Luckily most guys do not have affairs when they lose a job but they can be depressed, moody, difficult to talk to and definitely not emotionally available to help you with your problems. A guy that has lost a job needs an amazing amount of support from his woman without her expecting too much during that period from him. It's just reality.

    I don't blame you for being angry and cutting off all contact. I am sure he is not pursuing anything further with you because he realizes what a jerk he is and that he cannot find a way to explain this. If it is any comfort I have no doubt he loved you in his own way, but his way isn't a very satisfying type of love to receive.

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  • You're realtionship changed when you moved to another place, you did really well while he didn't . His pride was hurt, you were away, I guess that's what leaded to all the cheating, if he was a good boyfriend before. But I think he never really loved you, or he didn't love you anymore when you moved away. He tried to rescue the contact with you because, I don't know, maybe it's because he didn't got over the relationship, that takes time. Sometimes we think we still love the person but that's not it, it's just routine, and you had a 3 year relationship, you can't forget that in a couple of months. And what proves this, is that he was unavailable to solve your problems, he lied to you and when you wrote that letter, he could try to talk to you ( in fact, if he loved you he would track you to the end of the world just to talk to you) and at least explain himself. he wasn't there when you needed him like you were, he cheated, he lied and he never explained himself, and then he disappears. I think you have your answer. That's really tough, I've been cheated on too, many times, but that's how you know who loves you for real.

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  • You don't need to waste your time and energy thinking about whether that means he never had feelings for you, or why he went into trouble of winning you back. It's great he is not contacting you anymore, as you will move on much more easily. You dodged the bullet. Now look for a decent man.

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  • this all sounds like it happened recently and if it did you need to give your self time to grieve like with any relationship. You know you don't want him back (from waht you have said) but it doesn't mean you are not going to feel the pain and sorrow from the break up as if you wanted him back. You loved him for 4 years and it will take time to get over this. Give your self time and don't worry about his actions etc. He is either thinking you will cool off and come back or is so ashamed that he got caught and by what he has done that he can't face you.

    Keep strong. x

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  • The expression out of sight out of mind comes to me. Long distance doesn't work. People get lonely. It happens all the time, even in the strongest relationships. It's hard enough when you get to see them everyday, but not seeing them at all for long stretches causes a wondering eye. I think he did love you, but that the distance was too much. It's better to move on and find someone close.

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  • I'm happy you are strong enough to not take him back again. He doesn't deserve you at all. You supported him and he showed his gratitude by cheating on you. Congrats to him for proving he's a dumbass and congrats to you for showing you deserve better, but be happy that he doesn't contact you, it's drama out of your life :)

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    • Thank you, that cheered me up... I just wish the drama would disappear from my brain as well...

    • It could if you really wanted it to. Tell yourself every day that you need a fresh start until you get tired of telling yourself and actually get a fresh start.

  • if ur his love his life then its probaly true he messed up if yall were once together for along timethen take him back

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  • the dude is an asshole! You need to move on with your life. HE doesn't deserve you at all. How did you know for sure that he slept with other women?

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    • I know for sure because the emails made that perfectly clear. I also talked to the ex-girlfriend. It turns out she had no idea that I even existed, their relationship started much sooner than he told me (= before we broke up). Apparently he wasn't man enough to tell us the truth. If he didn't love me anymore, wanted more attention etc. why not leave things between us the way they were? I will never understand that...

    • The thing is...you don't have to understand. Stop thinking about him and starting looking for Mr. Right!

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