Do men need a break before they get married?

I have been in a 10 year relationship and my fiance decided he needed a break I am extremely hurt as I didn't feel that way. I also found out he cheated on me with someone he kept saying he was just a friend with.I love him so much and was always so faithful. He says he can't imagine life without me and wants to marry me but if he is so sure why a break now?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • He really does not sound sure at all. You do not mention when it is that he cheated on you, whether it was closer to 10 years ago or more recent.

    I think he has become very comfortable with you, hence the "can't imagine life without me" statement. But he obviously has reservations about the future. The fact that he cheated is not good but seeing that you two have probably been together all of your adult lives yet not married, tells me that he may be very conflicted.

    I would ask him what he thinks the rules of a break are. If he is asking for space away from you to think things out, that is one thing. If he is asking to be able to have a break to date and/or have sex with other women but have you as a backup option if nothing better comes along, I would tell him that won't work.

    That you should be expected to be the quietly suffering, patient girlfriend sitting around celibate while he goes off and sows his wild oats is not cool. Marriage and love is not about rating women on their sexual technique. Guys, like women, marry out of love, connection, emotional attachment, seeing that person as someone they would want to spend a long time with. You don't need to have sex with other women to figure that out.

    I wish you the best.

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    • The cheating was last year first I found out that it was a friendship they were hiding last year then this year I found out they did sh*t...I am like so mad..the hardest thing is letting go..appreciate your response...also he wants the break so that he does not have any regrets so that he won't cheat on me when we get married that is his rationing..

    • I would be very mad as well. So it sounds like he wants a full break so he can be with other women. I would tell him to fly a kite. He is taking you for granted. He has had the security of a relationship for all this time and even when cheating, he still had you. He may see things quite differently when he is 100% on his own and trying to date. It can be quite lonely and frustrating.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 21

  • Really it just depends on the man. I can say though that what you have encountered is fairly common, mind you this doesn't mean I agree with it, just that it is common. Speaking for myself I tend to be on the other end of the spectrum, in that I have no commitment issues and when I devote myself to a woman, there are no doubts in my mind as to what I want, or who I want to be with. I dedicate a great deal of energy into insuring the grass on my side of the fence is so green, I'm not even interested in looking on the other side of the fence. Now this doesn't make me perfect or anything like that, I'm just saying that for every "player" out there, there are other men on the opposite side who will completely commit to a relationship with no hesitation. I wish I could tell you why he needed a break as it were, but really the one who really needs to answer that is him. I hope it all works out for you, and that he settles down and you can both have a deep and fulfilling relationship.

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  • It's called a break because it's broken.

    If you two separate (even for just a while) you need to take that time to think about what's important TO YOU. He's taking that time for him (either to get laid, or to grow up) so you better do the same.

    Forget about the movie theatrics of romance and love and stop using it as an excuse to let him treat you so poorly.

    Instead focus on you. Build yourself up. Rebuild your self-esteem. Figure out how to LOVE yourself so much that you'd never accept bad behavior from anyone.

    Then, when you're strong, happy, and fulfilled, take a moment to see if he's REALLY right for you, or if you've made the mistake of thinking "I have too much invested to care about how poorly I'm treated... I'm just going to settle."

    If you're not feeling good about yourself then you can trust your feelings about him. Ask a female friend who's not emotionally involved, she'll have more perspective than you.

    Let me just add that every guy friend I know, who's done this same thing (needed a break before a big commitment) did the same thing... they chased after some ex-girlfriend, or some hot waitress. When they got rejected they came screaming back to the girlfriend who was put on hold. It's terrible.

    You might be surprised to find that you're happy with how your last 10 years went (cause you loved him) and you'll be just as happy spending the next 10 years with someone who treats you better...

    Who knows.

    Good luck!

    ~ Robby

    My Blog ( link )

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    • Couldn't have said it better if I tried!

    • Why did all your friends do that? Did they ever say?

    • I think they did it for three reasons:

      1) They were used to getting what they wanted and didn't realize the hurt their partner would feel during a break.

      2) They knew they were settling for a girl they weren't that "into" so they wanted a Hall Pass one last time to chase some "strange."

      3) They were insecure selfish assholes who should have just broken up and moved on.

  • No, your fiance just has you convinced what he's doing is normal. When you are engaged and getting married that should be the happiest time of your life and one of the strongest periods in your relationship. You shouldn't need to have a break. What he's actually wanting is permission to have a potential last fling and meet other women to make sure he's not making the wrong decision by marrying you.

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  • Your fiance sounds like a loser.

    If a guy like that was dating my sister or daughter, I'd tell her to dump him.

    Dating for 10 years? That's not to imply there's a time-line on marriage, but you'd at least think that after all that time, he'd at least be sure. Even if it's not the good kind of sure. Heck, even the bad kind of sure would do. But at least be sure!

    I know I joke around a lot of times about guys & cheating. But in all seriousness, I'm a guy, I love my girlfriend, I can say that without feeling like less of a man or whipped. Why? Because I'm happy, and she's happy. And that's all that matters. If that wasn't the case, from either side, we both have the balls to dump each other and find someone else who is going to make us happy. That's what the secret to a "good relationship" is; willingness to dump the other person if you're not completely happy.

    This guy, and take it from all the men here; is a loser. He's a loser, because he doesn't have the balls to break up with you. It's not like you two aren't having sex back home. He just wants to go out there and try to comfort his lack of sexual confidence, sexual attractiveness insecurities, or lack of self-esteem. And instead of doing that honestly & openly, he uses you as a base, and then ventures out whenever the opportunity arises. So that if he ever fails (which I'm sure is the only reason he hasn't cheated on you more often), he can always come back home to you. Aww; isn't that so sweet & romantic?

    Please, expect more for yourself.

    Dump him..

    ..now

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  • 10 years and not married. he's cheated on you at least once that you know of. and he's taking a break before he marries you? I'm sorry he doesn't love you like you love him and if you get married you two will have an unhappy marriage lasting max of 5 years maybe another 10 if he can hide the other girls well.

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  • I wouldn't say this is something men need, but it is quite possible this is something your relationship needs.

    Look at it like this...it's much better than you find out about any potential problems that could hinder your marriage BEFORE you get married, rather than after. It really sucks that he cheated on you, but at least you found out before marrying him!

    Now, I believe in forgiveness. I also am a romantic who believes that in the ideal world two people who love each other should be able to have a relationship that overcomes anything.

    But it's not automatic. There are some obvious problems in your relationship, and so getting married is the last thing you should want now. Your partner instinctively sees the train coming before it collides, and so that's why he's asking for a break. It doesn't mean the train will collide, but it might. And it's not a guy thing either. I've seen plenty of girls who act the same way. Usually, one partner in the relationship sees things more clearly...

    But you're afraid that if you take that break, you'll lose him, right? That is a real risk, but it's probably one that you need to take. You need to be willing to let the relationship fail, in order to see it grow stronger...

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  • He was NOT always so faithful, he cheated on you at least once and almost certainly more. I doubt his sincerity about his plans to marry you. IF he is giving it any consideration at all he is probably concerned with giving up other women. Should you fall for this and marry him, both you and he will soon find out that marriage does not prevent infidelity.

    The real problem here is you have given you heart to an apparent cad. You can't decide to fall out of love with him but you can put some distance between you two, even though I know you don't want to. Take the break he is suggesting seriously, make an effort to not contact him, go out with friends allot (no moping). Have a fun life without him. If your lucky you'll meed a decent loyal fella who will remind you what its really like to be loved and respected.

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  • Not all men need breaks...

    However, we all (men AND women) need time to spend with their friends outside of the marriage, just as most married couples need ample time to just be alone with each other.

    Why does he say he needs that break? If it's because of fighting, give him a little room; if he wants to cheat or meet other kinds of women, then perhaps you should consider MORE than a "break." If he's getting swamped with work, or other priorities, then giving him a little time is good.

    Type of guy I am, I would think that if I found a woman I wanted to marry, I don't think I'd need a break, unless it was happening way too fast; even then, it wouldn't be a break so much as a "slowing down" period of time. But, that's just me.

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  • The dude sounds pretty dumb to me! I would never take a break if I was about to get married!

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  • Wow. Ten years. I think why this is hard because you practically have been married. Just no ring and perhaps not living together(assuming this since it is not stated). Love, true love, is more than feeling. It is a choice. One that is risky, possibly painful, but in the end you are better for it.

    If he is seeing other people perhaps you should too. Maybe he might realize he will lose something great. You could find someone better for you. If nothing else it might get your mind off this for a little.

    relationships are more about loving the other person and his actions are not demonstrating that. Love thinks about the others needs before their own. Otherwise the person is just selfish.

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  • Give him a permanent break. If he did it after 10 years, he will do it again. Cheating on you after a 10 year committed (I assume) relationship is the ultimate betrayal.

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  • Men only bring up "breaks" when they feel their heart really isn't in it. Or when they got some confessions to make. Either way, it's never a good sign.

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  • Some guys are stupid and don't know what they want. Not all men are like this.

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  • If you marry him, don't expect this kind of behavior to stop.

    He didn't need a break, he just wanted something like free license to screw around.

    Kick him to the curb.

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  • it seems more like he is breaking off with you gently...

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  • some people going on a break see it as not being in a relationship, so they do as they please. don't be taken for a mug. if he messes you about, he'll do it again. always happens in my experience

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  • cut your loses and move on

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  • You should give him that break, if he can't stay interested now you are just in for an affair during marrage anyway. Honestly, you should not have been "putting out" to begin with unless he gave you a ring. Why buy cow when the milk is free?

    You have your self in a hard position. Statistics prove sex before marrage lowers the chances of a successful marrage. Let him go, he might need a break, but how is he going to stay married for life if he already needs a break? There are no time outs in marrage and he needs to develope the skills to deal with his stresses and emotions in marrage. Being married is work at times. Is he willing to work for it?

    Ask him if its the sex he is attached to or if he can love you without it. While sex is very important to a man, and required for a close marrage, its also hard to give it up whne faced with being single.

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  • i'm so sorry =/

    if I love a girl, I don't want a break.. I want to plan our life together and move forward

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  • One last fling, etc, Break means he wants to have some more sex with other women...

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  • No! he cheated! he doesn't love you... a man in love would never cheat on his fiance/gf/wife.

    all you women out there... STOP TRYING TO MARRY BAD BOYS! look what happened to Sandra Bullock, ehh it worked out for a little while, not forever... and bad boys don't have the heart or patience to love ONE person forever. if you all realized how much you complained about your idiot boyfriends too and looked at the situation logically and for what it is, you'd probably wonder how you were even "in love" with the guy...

    all the guys considered bad boys that I know, sure they're funny guys, fun, but what else do they do? they get bored easily... they sleep/fool around constantly with girls... is that respectable? no... is your good guyfriend, that's kinda cute, no homo lol, that likes you and is always there for you, respectable? yes!

    good guys FTW! everyone talks about how they're weak and lacking backbone but to put yourself out there for someone you like/love is scary business! love is scary! so take the chance on a good guy even tho it may be out of your comfort zone and give it time and be happy!

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    • This guy's got it right. Maybe you won't get as many girlfriends if you're a good guy but when you do you know they're with you for the right reason. You'll have way more friends who actually care about you and you'll have respect

What Girls Said 24

  • Sweetheart,

    No guy in love needs a break. You have been faithful and loving to a guy who does NOT deserve it. Why? He has already shown you who he is. A CHEATER. He doesn't deserve someone like you. He's telling you what you want to hear to string you along so he gets what he wants and nobody else can get you. If he truly wanted to marry you, you would not be feeling insecure and wondering why he needs a break. My instinct tells me he's met another girl, wants to try her on - and when he's had his fill of her - he will come back to you. I would guess you are always there for him, no matter what. Am I right? I was you. I was strug along for 4 years while my ex texted/emailed/dated other girls behind my back. We'd break up for anywhere from 2 wks to 2 years so he could play and come back to me. Honey, believe me when I tell you this - you are too good for him. He will never truly love you, respect you, cherish you, or trust you. He's a player. I'm sorry. If you are willing to ride the roller coaster one more time, go for it. But the ending will be the same. You will never feel loved by this man. Good luck, Dear.

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  • Hearing storys like this make me want to find that guy and beat the f*** out of him! No man or woman should ever cheat on their boyfriends or girlfriends. To me, that shows he has zero respect for you. I hope he feels really awful for putting you through this kind of sh*t then still saying he wants to marry you. I know this has to be sad and confusing for you.. and I'm really sorry. If I were you, I would just tell him to f*** off and leave you alone. You don't deserve that and he doesn't deserve you.

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  • a lot of guys are jerks. I hate to say it, but the majority are.

    I think it's over really...unless you find some way to forgive him.

    everyone's different. I respect that but if It were me, I doubt I could forgive him but at least he gave me a reason to leave him for good.

    actually I dated a similar guy but I wasn't stuck with him for more than a few months thankfully. He previously had 2 five year relationships but I can see why they didn't work out. some guys, we love them but they give a ton of red flags. for me, just recently, his actions spoke louder than words. ..so...I'm sorry for what happened. but ten years is a long time, I don't see this guy changing his ways.

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  • I don't know why you were together for 10 years without getting married, but that is the MAIN issue.

    Perhaps you were practically married? Was there any mystery left in the relationship, or were you like brother and sister? Sounds like both of you got too comfortable, and your fiance took advantage of that. He now wants to find out if he can feel that spark with you again, or if he should pursue a new relationship. Please take this time to do something unexpected (travel without him, get a stylish but not too drastic haircut, work out, take up that hobby that you never got round to...). Just make sure that you recapture what attracted him to you and do not let yourself go. This works in two ways: he'll realize what he's about to lose AND other great guys worth your time will take notice. He is being selfish, trying to have his cake and eat it! You are waiting on him and he is conveniently single at the same time!

    It sucks that he cheated! What makes you want to hang on? Are you just feeling attached and scared about moving on? What has changed in the way that you act around each other in the first few years you knew each other, as opposed to recently?

    Do not badger him, nor give him that "I'll always be available" story. It makes you look desperate, and people always want what they can't have. Do not act emotional, please. It'll only make him feel guilty, and he'll want to stay away.

    All in all, he doesn't deserve you, but you will probably need to realize that for yourself. So please, surround yourself with friends and family, get yourself a "vent notepad" so that you don't let your emotions build up, and realize that you are a wonderful person who doesn't need all this uncertainty. Date a few guys, even if it goes nowhere. Just work on getting your confidence up, because all the years in this relationship have really gotten you down. You should have limits, and since they don't seem to be there, he is really really disrespecting you.

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  • If he's been with you 10 years and has yet to actually marry you, it should make you wonder how serious he is about this relationship. Why hasn't he married you yet? Now that you find he's cheated and wants a break? He doesn't respect you at all. Let him have his break. Permanently.

    This guy wants his cake and to eat it too. If you ditch him for awhile, maybe he'll come crawling back. But I wouldn't bother. Him not being serious about this relationship by not being proactive and actually marrying you, CHEATING, and now wanting a "break?" BS!

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  • first, find out what you want. if you can't stand his bachelor lifestyle, break it up. but okay, so you've learnt your lesson, men that tells you that he needs a break before the marriage is not really marriage material.

    let me break it down to you: if he love you, he will want to be with you. but if all the fuss and all the notions that we are socialized to do (ie, big weddings and customizations, expectations to change him, pressuring him, fighting all the time, bossing him around, babies, big plannings, listening to your friends more than him, etc.), that could possibly be your fault for driving him away like that.

    some guys can take that pressure, some guys love this, but others just want a interdependent relationship, meaning that you both are independant human beings, just that you and him chose to be together because of a thing called love.

    so move on, this may take some time to get over, but bare in mind that there will be others who'll love you (ie, you, your family and relatives, best friends, etc.) so just be happy.

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  • I kind of agree with what one of the guys said, he's making you think his weird behavior is normal... you've been together since high school, by the sound of it, that's rarely a good prospective for a marriage, I think :( I think you need to let go, honey... you can do better, get out before it hurts you more! good luck!

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  • Thats so awful! First off am sorry to hear that. But have you thought of why he might just want a break? If you two have been together for so long why all of a sudden. If you haven't talked to him about why yet, its something you should do. He may love you and say he can't live without you but it could be because he's been with you for so long. The thing is since he's been with you for 10 years, he's become attached. So imaging life without you, without doing the things you do together, is hard. He rather not face life like. But hun, think of it this way; do you want to live your life married to him and always stress out when he's not home. You want to go crazy thinking if he's going to cheat on you again or where he is. From experience am telling you, that's not a life you will want! Its a depressing one and you deserve better than that.

    Your looking at the situation from a vulnerable point of view. You guys have been in a serious relationship for 10 years, eventhough you two weren't legally married, the bond you had its common law and that is treated as a marriage. So to be blunt he cheated on you and now he wants a break. You two have already commited to the relationship so a break is out of the question. And for him to ask for one, that's too suspicious. My suggestion is to talk to him, ask him want it is he wants. But make sure he knows there is not going to be a break. Its either he wants to stop his behaviour and marry you or its time you two move on. Its not fair for him to have his so call break while you wait hopeless at home wondering when he will come back. Makes no sense. Sometimes you just have to be strong and end things. The relationship will suffer if after this long he is asking for a break!

    So stay strong and confront him. If he insist he wants a break, he's being selfish. It's time you find your happiness (but that's entirely your choice to make). No doubt it will be a hard choice to move on but in the end it'll be better than to be married and be miserable!

    Best of luck!

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  • Listen girl, you made a lucky escape! Once they cheat they will ALWAYS cheat! And he's a liar he broke your trust over this girl and now again over his promise to marry you. Don't take him back, move on and find a guy worth having who values you for who you are. This guy sounds like an immature loser, once he knows you're gone he'll probably beg for you back but don't fall for it, he's insecure otherwise he wouldn't need to cheat to boost his ego. You can't make him grow up, be glad this happened now and not when you had three kids together!

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  • Men don't change don't be an idiot. If you enjoy getting cheated on stick with him because that's what is going to happen. You can't change him

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  • 10 years & no marriage.

    Cheated & no marriage.

    Break & no marriage.

    You have to know when to call it quits,calling it quits is past over due,time has passed,it's time for you to let go,move on.It WILL hurt,it'll probably hurt more than anything else in your life or that will happen to you,but "break" is a cop out.That's saying,"I can go have an emotional affair with another chick,sleep with another chick/chicks and you'll still be on the sideline like a dumba** waiting for me" He knows you're going to be there if he says he needs a break,you're not going anywhere,you're not mentally or emotionally strong enough to leave and stand up for yourself.

    You need to stand up for yourself and move on.5 years wasn't even long enough for you to understand he wasn't ready to commit,he won't be ready next month,next year,or 5 years from now,cause he knows you're going to be there without a commitment.

    Leave chica

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  • You've been with him 10 yrs, so why wait so long to get married? He has been with you for a long time and the grass is greener on the other side. He feels like he missed out on his party years. If he was ready to get married, he wouldn't have needed a break. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Move on.

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  • Consider yourself lucky you didn't marry this guy. I mean - he's clearly a loser. Cheating on you, lying it is only his friend and on top having nerve to tell you he loves you? MOve on, you can do better

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  • I'm sorry. that's rough, it looks like he's just being nice by saying he wants a break. To be completely frank, it looks like the beginning of the end. I'm so sorry. I wish you the best because I know it is rough.

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  • He seems unsure about what he wants in life, which is aweful for you... I wish I understood it. I have seen this happen to friends and it goes both ways, some get back together and some don't. Its happened to me, and it wasn't until he really lost me that he realized how much he cared about me. Unfortunately it was too late :( I guess only time will tell. Focus on yourself.

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  • should dump him...

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  • Perhaps to get any cheating habits out of his conscious. You may love him but if he cheated on you once what makes you so sure he won't do it again. I advise you to re evaluate the good and the bad. Feelings are not meant to be played with, specially when one has been faithful.

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  • a break AND he has cheated. That's a big hell no!

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  • No, he's just an ass, leave him.

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  • I am so sorry that you have to go through this after 10 years of being with someone. I know this will be the hardest thing to do, but maybe this will be the best thing that has ever happened to you. You should try to take this time to find yourself and see what you want. Like many have said, you should NEVER settle. There are plenty of men out there that will treat you perfectly fine, especially after being in a serious relationship for 10 years. It might seem that at a certain age it is the norm for men to go act crazy and do what they want, but trust me there are plenty of men out there that are mature enough to carry you on the pedal stool you deserve to be on. It's probably going to be the toughest time of your life, but hopefully when he comes begging back for you (because he will when he sees that your are happy and enjoying your life) you will have the strength to tell him no thanks, and will regret it for the rest of his.

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  • cut loss. if he cheated on you while you were in a relationship, what makes you think he won't do it again after you 2 are married and he's grown more comfortable with you? Investing more doesn't make a bad investment turn into a good one.

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  • no, I don't think guys need a break before they get married and if they feel they do sumthin is wrong

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  • it sounds like he is feeding you bullsh*t game hoping you'll accept it as normal. I'm sorry but you deserve wayyy better

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  • It seems like this is the case in a lot of instances, I know. I don't know why some men are like that.I believe their intentions are genuine but when it comes time for the kickoff- some men want to take a break. I wish I had the answer for you. Maybe one of the gentle4men could elaborate further?

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