Am I really back in the friend zone or does she really need time?

So to start off I've known this girl since I was 7 years, we met in High School and I thought she was beautiful, I pursued her but nothing happened. After a while I gave up and settled as her friend, after about a year she asked me if I would be her boyfriend (I was her firs bf). I happily said yes and we dated for like a year and some change. We broke up due to being young and immature and didn't talk for almost two years because she started dating one of my friends a short time after, I reached out in college. And we became friends again she was dating this other guy and he wouldn't let her so we stopped talking for a while. She broke up with him and we started to message on FB, we got our friendship back and started to hang out strictly as friends. Going places, hanging out (movies, lunch), me traveling from college back home to hang out with her. She started dating this other guy and I was still her friend I was around and we continued to hang out. She experienced problems with him and they ended, I was still there. After it ended she came up to my college and we ended up sleeping together (after a long conversation about not letting this ruin our friendship), after this she came up to my school often every couple of weeks and we knew that we were dating or together. We did this for several months but recently she started to work more and didn't really have time to contact me like she was before. And I noticed, I asked her and she stated she was always tired. She came up for my birthday last week and we talked, got into an argument about whats allowed in our relationship like going places like the movies/fairs with other people. After she left I called her the next day and asked what we were she wanted to sort of like friends with benefits, it crushed me. I continued to try to pick her brain and she explained that she needs to get her own life together. Granted she's been in a cycle of relationships since we dated the first time.
She still wants to be friends and be invovled in my life, she's coming to my college graduation and she wants to still talk. On a sort of regular basis, she said I was so invested in her life like we were married so should I leave it alone, ignore her or hope for the best. She said we've built a foundation but she doesn't want to live "a life" with someone when she hasn't lived on her own.


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  • There's no such thing as the friendzone really... otherwise you're in the friendzone with everyone in your family and all your close guy friends.

    You're basically just friends who had benefits for a time... and could probably continue to if you were cool about it.

    The moral of your story is that she's just not that into you.

    That might sound blunt but it seems pretty accurate. This is no judgement on you or her, it just is. Like sometimes it snows outside in the winder, and sometimes it rains in the summer.

    It just is.

    We can't control how others feel about us, and mostly it's none of our business anyways. All we can manage is ourselves and how we behave with others.

    You've done all the right things so I applaud you.

    Although I would have made my expectations with her more clear earlier in the relationship.. meaning, if you wanted to date exclusively you should have said so earlier. But you were probably smart by taking things slow and not trying to label everything.

    Unfortunately your girl needs more than you can offer her... probably constant male attention... needing to have a boyfriend and stuff... not being able to handle you being so far away perhaps. There's nothing to be done about this, it just is. And it's probably a red flag anyways... some women aren't meant to be long term girlfriends.

    Your best bet now is to accept your situation with her and decide if you NEED more or if you can handle sharing her with others.

    If she's a cool persona and you're wise enough maybe you can stay just awesome friends without the need to OWN her or KEEP her to yourself. And that's okay if you're cool with it.

    But it's also wise to know what you an handle and what you can't. If you can't handle her with other guys you should probably politely, and with care, push her away until you feel more whole and healed again... otherwise you'll be hurting yourself each time you pretend that you don't care who she's sleeping with.

    I think it's perfectly okay and possible to love a close female friend without needing to be WITH her. Love does't have to mean ownership or romance, sometimes it's just love. I love my friends without having to see them naked, it's possible and okay.

    It's all up to you at this point.

    Good luck!

    ~ Robby

    (My blog: )


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