Should I let my ex see our son?

I gave birth on the 11th and I haven't even let the baby daddy see him. I haven't even sent a picture or told him his name either. We were living together for 2 years, we planned this baby, he proposed then cheated on me when I was 4 months pregnant. I immediately moved out after finding out and I also discovered a secret Gmail account where he's been emailing multiple women even up to when we were just dating. I'm so hurt by this man. He played me the whole time and I fell for all of it. Am I wrong to keep his child from him? He has only given me $40 during my pregnancy in preparation for our baby but on social media he is out partying and golfing every weekend. He served me with papers for joint custody and visitation the other day. So now it's definite that I have to deal with this person till our kid is 18 😔 am I horrible to withhold information?

Updates:
I should add that I moved 150 miles away, and next year I plan on returning to my hometown with my parents to go to college as im struggling to support myself and my 2 kids, that'll put 1,800 miles between us. So I'm not sure how he can be an active part in his life if he's not willing to move from where he is now.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You really want to be the mother who won't allow the child to see their father?

    And you're not doing it for the good of the child, you're simply not willing to put up with him because he was a bad partner. You don't know how he is as a father.

    he might have been a horrible partner to you, but you have no right to already decide that he is a bad father and has no right to see his own child.

    Above all else, the child has the right to see both parents.

    Don't put the kid in the middle of this.

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    • unless you have valid proof that he is a danger to that child's condition and growth, you should not make such decisions just out of your own history with him.

      again, think of the child.

      give it a shot. you will have every right to cut the bond if he is indeed bad for the kid. but otherwise there's shouldn't be a valid reason to deprive him of seeing the kid

    • I think you need to see a good lawyer. You need someone to give you professional and objective advice. You know, eliminate all bias.

    • I have to agree. He could be a horrible cheater, but a great father. I've seen it happen a few times

Most Helpful Girl

  • You aren't horrible, just deeply hurt. It's totally understandable to feel the way you do

    It's an awful situation , and I can imagine how hurt you must feel after being betrayed by him. Betrayal is excruciatingly painful, but it's wrong to keep his baby from him, just coz of the way he treated you. That's like punishing your baby , not your ex. Your child will suffer in the long- term , not your ex

    He may turn out to be a great dad even though he makes a terrible boyfriend . You should at least
    give him the chance to be part of his child's life. If he lets his child down then at least you'll know your child can never blame you for his father not seeing him in the future.

    When your baby is older and he discovers the truth.. that you intentionally withheld him from his father , and his dad fought to see him , your child will feel the way you do now... bitter , hurt and betrayed by someone he loves and cares about... you , his mother. He may resent you for not giving his dad a chance to be there for him. Then you'll feel overwhelmed with guilt , and guilt is a heavy burden to carry

    Some father's walk away and disown their kids. They don't love them enough to fight for access. At least he cares enough to fight to see his son. He obviously isn't a danger to him , so I'd try to put the hurt he caused you to one side , and give him a chance to step up and be a parent too. Not for your exes sake, but for you precious baby's.

    Your son deserves the opportunity to have the love from both of his parents.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 8

  • Congrats on becoming a mom! Your child almost had the same bday as me! XD
    I honestly don't think you should. He seems like a real low life loser. He probably won't even be part of his life much. I'd suggest you try and fight those papers in court. Try and get full custody if you can get and good lawyer. Courts usually favor the ex wife or woman whatever the case may be.

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    • Thank you. I'm definitely going to take that route.

    • You're welcome. I'm not sure what state you are in but I'm sure they may have some resources to help you. And with struggling with your two kids. They may have certain programs you can use being a single mother. I understand what your going through a little bit as my sister went through something very similar. she's better now and you will be to one day. May suck for awhile tho dealing with him.

  • Well, the courts could make it mandatory that you must live within 500 miles of him cause i knew a girl who was faced with the same issue with her ex husband but it all fell down on her. What you can do is get attorney and explain that he is not taking any initiative to be in your child's life and your kind of leery about him being in your child's life. If he filed for joint custody and visitation than there most likely going to go in his favor it all depends on if he will pay for child support you could ask that of him also depends too if
    he is on any type of drugs or has a drinking problem that could go against
    him. It's really should get attorney and see what can be done about this.

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  • I am not supporting him cause I am a men , but because I was ones a child... but such cases are rare , so my family is happy family... and so I know the importance of both parents in a child's life... so I think you should inform him and I had seen many single parent child (I mean one parent dead or divorced. not cheating ) growing up into a spoiled brat...

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  • First congrats on becoming MoM,
    1) The child not a weapon, the kid have every right to see his father.
    2) You should consult court cuz raising the kid in 21st century is very costly. The court will force him to pay at-least some of the money.
    3) You may not like it now but when your kid will grow up, he would hate you for doing that (hiding his father) to him.

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  • Let him, research shows that children without present fathers turn out screwed up. Also he's dragging you into a legal battle, and a court would probably grant joint custody.

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  • You don't really have a choice in the end. The court will decide for you if you don't.

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    • If he gets visitation then you likely won't be able to move. It's up to the court to decide if you can move that far away with your child. And mostly they require you stay within a reasonable distance unless he agrees to it. Like it or not you are stuck with this guy in your life.

    • I would suggest you seek the advice of an attorney as well. And if you can't afford one look for ones around that offer services pro bono.

  • fight it, he's a player. I wonder how many other kids he has out there

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  • A child is not a weapon: you can hate the father as much as you want but he and the child have the right to see each other.

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What Girls Said 20

  • He has every right to see his child. Just because he was a crappy parent doesn't mean he will be a crappy father, and if you fail to allow him visitation the court will decide for you and it may be way more custody than what you were willing to give especially moving so far away.
    Sort this out now instead of letting the hurt feelings of an adult affect a child's relationship with its parent. One of the biggest things you need to learn as a parent is that your child's needs and rights trump yours now.

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  • He has not prioritized you or his child, and has provided little in the way of support ($40? For an entire baby?). Your feelings and your reluctance to involve him are completely justified. That said, he's your baby's only biological father. If he can get his act together and be a caring, responsible parent, then his cheating probably shouldn't get in the way of his access to his own child. But you've been put through the ringer, so take things one step at a time. You don't have to peacefully hand over custody immediately if that doesn't feel right to you at this time, or if you're concerned about his parental abilities. You are free to exercise caution and to stand up for what you want so that a fair compromise can be reached

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    • As someone else said, seek the advise of an attorney. If you are wanting to move and those types of things, you'll need to figure this stuff out sooner rather than later.

  • I think that you should let him see the child. He hasn't paid for the child so far but it's only been a short amount of time. His cheating makes him a shitty partner and it sucks BUT it doesn't make him a shitty father. If you don't think he'd harm the child or bring danger to you, there's no reason to keep him from getting to know his baby.

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  • i was the child in a messy divorce scenario. my mother was awarded sole custody, but she never stopped my sister and i from seeing bio father... he did that all on his own.

    bio f and i weren't close, and visits were stressful as they often involved him trying to pit my sister and i against each other or talking shit about my my mom and (step) dad. and, when i was 18, i stopped going because i no longer wanted a relationship with him.

    as far as baby daddy is concerned, he sounds like a scumbag. but whether or not to have a relationship with him is a decision your son needs to make on his own. actively preventing them from seeing each other will only cause your son to resent you, so suck it up and act like an adult for his sake.

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  • Every child needs to know their biological dad and know that that father cared for him even if he can't see him daily. It bring emotional security.

    Is a big difference ur relationship as a partner than as parents. Cuz like it or not, that guy is the father or ur child.

    If u want to be a good mother then u will think what's best for ur child. And not use ur child as a barrier. Go to court to settle the visit agreements if u can't trust him.

    And bad news, u will have to deal with that guy forever. By law he is not required to pay child support till 18. But it child will appreciate if both his parents come to his university graduation, wedding, ext.

    Don't be selfish and think of the emotional stability of ur child

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    • Children that been lied to about their parents existence or never meet their parents are bound to have a life of insecurities. They will be the future drugies, drunkies, emotional instability (cheaters, drop outs, anger issues, ext)

    • Like I said before. He needs to know his child just as much the child needs to know his dad. U are adding excuses to say "well we live away so he can't see my child".

      Tell the child who his/her father is. A picture and name. NEVER SPEAK ILL OF HIS DAD. NEVER. NEVER MENTION WHO SHITTY PARTNER HE WAS. Because then u are insulting ur child as well. Whenever he can visit his child then let him. On holidays, birthdays and important events he needs to be there.

      Explain to your child when he ask why "everyone has a dad but he doesn't" that his dad loves him but can't be with him because he has work. But he loves and cares for him. Let him call and talk to his dad, face time him everything.

      DO IT FOR UR CHILD. DONT BE SELFISH.

      and for next time, use protection. Is both children from same dad?

  • No one is denying that he's a piece of shit for what he did to you. But put yourself in his shoes. Even if you cheated on him, would that be grounds to keep your baby from you? And don't even start with the baby came out of your body, because men love their kids just as much, and it took that man to make that baby with you, it's literally part of him.

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  • The problems you two have, have nothing to do with your child. Time can't be taken back. Give your son what he deserves, a father.

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  • I don't think you have legal grounds to prevent him from seeing his child.

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  • My cousin is going through the same bs with his ex. his ex wouldn't let him see his own child either.. he had to take her to court... it's unfair to the child and to him. it doesn't matter how you feel about the ex, he has every right to be a dad to that baby.

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  • In fairness to your child I think he needs to be present.

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    • Oh yes, the distance certainly makes a difference! If you're moving I have a feeling this will work itself out

  • It's his child. He has every right to see his own son, regardless of your relationship condition. Don't deprive your son of a father.

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  • look i get that you hate him but you should not take it out on the kid, growing up without a dad is horrible and if you dont let this baby know who his/hers dad is they are going to hate you when they find out one day. and if he doesn't turn up for his contacts then you can say you tried but trust me going down this rode is only going to end bad

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  • He broke up with you. Not his child. And I am sorry he was a POS for only giving you $40. But be the bigger person and at least send him a picture. Maybe it might get him to try and support him better.

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  • my ex hubby never supported our son financially but I let him see him every time. I even encourage him to visit our son often. No matter how bad his father is, he is still his father and he needs him emotionally.

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  • He has EVERY right to see his son. And that child has EVERY right to see his father.

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  • Add me so we can chat

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  • get custody asap.

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  • yes u should let him

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  • Make him take you to court and prove he's the father and make sure to show the court how much he helped finacially while you were pregnant and any emails or texts you have that show the cheating or the refusual to help may help so keep everything. Sorry you are going through this..

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  • Legally, there's not much you can do about it and there's no telling how good of a father he'd be.

    I hate to say it but I probably would be reluctant, at least at first.. if he would cheat on you while you were pregnant with HIS child he must not care too much. At least that's just how I'd see it. Hope all works out in the end for everyone.

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