He didn't respect me, he criticized me a lot and wanted me to improve. I improved after he left me. Why couldn't I do it when we were together?


My ex-bf (30) and I (22) had a good year and a half relationship in the beginning. He was my first love and first relationship. We gave to each other, but it was very bumpy after the 5th month.

Our biggest issue was communication. He said I did not listen to him when he was trying to improve me. He claims all the women who were in relationships with him improved in some way with his help, but I felt uncomfortable with it. Whenever I wronged him I always apologized and never did it again, but he always thought he was right.

I used to be very messy and unorganized and he said that the way someone's environment is is how their mental state is. He always said I was lazy but I am a full time college student. I had more spare time than him since he was a student with two part time jobs.

Almost a year ago, he broke up with me by not saying a word. He just disappeared. He used to disappear sometimes for a few days but this time it was for two weeks. I was worried about him and called him, but after seeing him post on Facebook and seeing that he was fine, I knew it was his way of telling me its over.

He reached out to me after three months and acted like nothing happened. I said it is best if he leave me alone. A few months after that he tried to follow me on social media whereas before he didn't.

Now, I'm still working on my degree and will be receiving my bachelor's degree next year. I'm currently helping my family's business by designing and eventually maintaining their website. I'm also currently on a weight loss and lifestyle change journey. This month has been the first time in four years when exercising did not feel like a chore. I actually enjoy the burn and the soreness.

So despite the disrespect and the criticisms, I still feel sad about how it all ended. He was right, but I still couldn't become a better person when in the relationship. Why am I feeling this way?

If you have any questions to better answer my question, feel free to ask.

Updates:
Thanks guys. All three of your opinions was great.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Glad to hear you are doing great...

    Answering your initial question, i think it has to deal with the fact that sometimes we feel we do a better job that someone watching your every moment sort of pampering... It could be easily seen in workplaces where you don't feel natural when you feel someone is over watching you... Our body naturally becomes anxious about it and becomes super alert concentrating only on the outside element losing at the task in hand... I think this was exactly what you experienced when you were with him with his criticism...

    Moreover I feel that even in a relationship you should not control the other person's life their every aspects of their lives and time.. Loving the person for the way they are is real love but suggestions and constructive comments can do help as long as they are choking the other one...

    All these are just my opinion and i maybe even wrong but i am just speaking my heart out...

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What Guys Said 2

  • From what you're saying it sounds like you didn't really need to improve on the relationship. You were giving him everything. Change should never be a fight in a relationship it's always a compromise. I'm happy to see you haven't let this ordeal affect you negatively, but you shouldn't feel bad for not changing how he wanted you to during the relationship

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  • I'm delighted to hear that you're getting on well now.

    When you're constantly being put down, it can affect your self worth. You can convince yourself that you actually are as bad as the other person says, that they're "right".

    To improve, most people need love and encouragement, not criticism. When you split up with your ex, all that negativity probably went with him and allowed you to flourish as you're doing now.

    Hope this helps!

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