Why do men who are very hot for you then go suddenly cold...but still maintain contact?

Dude and I meet. After our first date (which lasted until 3.30am just talking) we saw each other every day for 4 days. The next week-end we spent together (OK, not the best idea, granted). After that we both took a step back (especially him) since, as he put it, he was scared that he didn't get scared after all that time together. I'm been temporarily transferred out of town until the end of next month and instead of writing/texting every day, we talk about once a week. I've come with three possible answers of why...but maybe there are more? Guys, honestly here, please. (1) He's scared and wants to slow things down since they were progressing WAY too fast (he's been torched in the past by an ex-wife and ex-girlfriend (2) He's changed his mind and thinks of me just as a friend (but has never said so) (3) he's just not that in to me (but still continues to keep in touch regularly). Any other ideas?


Most Helpful Girl

  • They string you along keep you in the loop - so they can come back to you when the latest girl turns out to be a dud... Or - he comes back to you knowing you'll have sex with him and use you for what he can get out of you. He's not serious about you. I would keep a LOT of distance between the two of you. I used to be engaged to a guy like this. 4 yrs. He did this to me ALL the time. ... He was shopping for a better deal but keeping me on the side. I was a great girlfriend but there are guys who want their cake and to eat it, too. Which one are you? Angelfood? Chocolate? Honey, kick him to the curb if you're smart. Lose guys like this. They are nothing but PLAYERS. Good luck.

    • Well I would agree with you IF we were having sex...but we both stepped back from that too....I guess we realized we should have started working on a relationship first, then let the sex be part of it instead of vice-versa. At this point I don't think we'll see what is really going on until I return home. Thanks for responding.

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What Guys Said 5

  • I usually back off when the girl doesn't take initiative and I don't have confidence in her being in a relationship with me or feel like I'm the only one who has to do all the work while she expects me to be a mind reader and be perfect for her, I go for girls who are not afraid to express themselves and not afraid of what I might think sometimes. I really don't like shy and timid girls although I don't mind being there friends or sex but I don't really feel them more than that.

    • I may not have answered your question but you get the point he might not be interested in you 100% your just his side dish you should talk to him about it he has the real answer.

    • Very good answer

    • Well if we were having sex, I could think I was his "side dish"..but weren't not. We have, yes..but when he stepped back emotionally, he did physically as well (trust me, not because he didn't enjoy it). I know that generally sex and emotions for men are two completely separate things...but I've considered if he thinks as long as he has no physical contact with me, it'll be easier to hold himself emotionally at bay as well.

  • Ok...I am going to put down the very first thing that poped into my head...but first a question.

    Has he had many relationships?

    Ok...what poped.

    It almost sounds like he is so scared of getting close, that he has just skipped to the end to avoid all the stuff in between. I doubt he even realizes it if that is the case.

    If he is open enough, just ask him.

    Tell him you really like him, and you want to figure out what to do...then ask him.

    • He was not burned, he was TORCHED by both his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend. He caught his wife cheating...and his girlfriend baled after he mentioned he had a chance to go work overseas for a year and make a ton of money. Not that he WAS going, just he had the chance. She baled. He really got spooked when I flat out asked him, "ARE you scared of getting hurt again?". He beat around the bush about being more cautious given his past but never really answered my question which I think is YES

  • Simple answer is he's just not into you. Sometimes men just convince themselves they want a woman when all they really want is a piece of ace. Once they get it the feeling fades and fast. He's keeping you around because he knows he can f*** you much easier now that he's f***ed you once.

    • Well if he was getting some, I would think you are right...but he's not. So if he's not that in to me, why wouldn't he just simply disappear? There is absolutely nothing holding him to keeping in touch with me but himself.

    • If he liked you it would be a lot more straightforward and clear. I don't buy into the idea that he was "torched" by his Ex. Men will look past that if they really really like a woman. his uncertainty is because he's not feeling it. Not trying to be rude and I could be wrong but that's my opinion

  • i think he just wanted a one night stand and you are trying to force him into relationship...so he might be giving you such excuses...!

  • No one can answer that but him. Being a guy, if I am really into a girl I want to be with her, period! No excuses about moving too fast or crap like that. If I spend a little time with her & feel I'm not feeling it I will distance myself from her. I'm not saying that's what he's thinking cause it can be something totally dif. You wanted the truth but if I was you just talk to him so you don't sit there & worry about it. At least that way you will know.

    • Thanks to you all for your responses. I don't want to discuss with him the reasoning why we're apart so that will have to wait until next month. True that I can sit here and wonder the whys until I'm crazy...the best tactic is to calmly ask. I alternative between thinking that he's scared and not confident in himself (based on comments he's made to me such as sooner or later I may find him to be boring)....or he's no longer interested. Oh, we're not having sex...but he still stays in touch.

What Girls Said 6

  • "He was scared that he didn't get scared after all that time together. "

    -he was scared that he did NOT get scared?

    > Just making sure that is what I MEANT to say because if so, I can relate :)

    > I had that...& I thought about it worried about it until I stopped talking to the guy- I guess I got scared lol...u should keep communication open- its important for yo & it mat be necessary for him. :-)

  • He may think things are moving too fast.

    Maybe he just needs some space.

  • This is a knee jerk reaction with a lot of men they NEED SPACE when they get too close to a woman early on, it goes back to childhood where they have to separate their close bond with their mother in order to form their own identity as a male. Women do not have this as they are already established as a female, although that is not to say that women don’t back off early sometimes because SOME DO! I can’t say how these things will turn out, however I can say this happened to my friend and she is now married to the guy and my male work colleague did this do his girlfriend and has now moved in with her and my brother did this and is also now in a longterm relationship.

    Some guys not all though, just need some space and unfortunately some change their minds. Ultimately after this initial set back, if a guy likes you he will be consistently interested in you, i.e. regular communication.

  • when you find out the answer let me know-post it here- cause I'm going trhough the same thing- sex only 1 time 4 years ago and he still stays in contact with me after all this time.

  • I have a male friend like this as well, we were intimate only 1 time 4 years ago, he has kept in contact with me all that time, occasionally calling me, and we talk for hours, then he will not call for awhile, then it's back on again... maybe we are not sending out the right signals? Like maybe we send out the friendship only signals? I wish I knew...

    The only other thing I can think of is he IS scared, taking it slow, or he doesn't think you are into him.

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  • ugh this has happened to me in all my relationships! I think these guys are just immature and don't know what they want... it could be because of their past... also he might have freaked himself out by taking things so fast, and for that reason wants to take a step back

    :( I know exactly how you feel, and I'm so sorry. hopefully you will get a guy's perspective on this question, I'm curious to know!


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