Having a hard time breaking up with my boyfriend of +3 years (bad relationship). Why can't I actually do the breaking up?

It's probly one of those things were everyone rolls their eyes and say "just break up already". I have thought and said that in the past, but now it is also happening to me. I didn't have problems breaking up with my ex before, but for some reason I can't let go of this bad relationship. We also live together (my name is on the lease).

All trust is gone from my side and I resent him most of the time. The time I spend together with him I realise I both love and hate him at the same time. The problem is that the parts which I hate are really bad. For example, he cheated on me (he confessed it to me). I gave him a chance to redeem himself which he did. A few weeks ago he made horrible joke, he said "I have to tell you something". The last time he needed to tell me something he confessed he cheated on me, so I naturally was on alert. He then said "I went on a date today" followed by showing me a picture of him with a dog he was with that day. I was so upset with him that I refused to talk with him the rest of the day.

He does things like that all the time and i really resent him from making jokes like that. I did try to break up with him multiple times, but when it comes down to it I can't finish it. Ofcourse there is still love for him, but it the guy who I love is gone. Only memories of the good time which haunt me.

I've tried to make it work with him, but that won't work if it comes from one side. So I really need to break up, but I don't know how.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • sounds like its time for a break, not a break up, BUT its a big BUT you your break will be serious break. Sometimes breaks are really healthy in relationship specially your case that you doubt he is loyalty. You tell him we are having a break and either you or him move out he should be the man and grow the balls to tell you that will be him moving. Dont contact him AT ALL like serious shit don't even think about it. its trail if you can let him go. on the other hand which you said you can't let go of the relationship that will grow it bigger and better, by the time passes he will realize that you seriously needed a break away from him and the more time goes he will think that you actually like it creating SCARCITY! you know what im talking about right? so here is the out comes 1- he could actually change and try to reach you out and be as romantic or nice as you guys first met here is where the relationship can be redeemed BUT you and will have to put some rules and both of y'all be ok with it no BS. 2- That he would really like being away, your kind of wining now because you wanted to break up but also now you know he is not worth shit!

    Good Luck!

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    • I already tried a break with no contact. It resulted with him not sticking to the no contact. Also the effect was temporary. He improved then it became the same as usual.

    • he did not stick with no contact you should stick with no contact it shows that your are serious and gave him a chance before to change of him self agree on a time period and you extend it with out letting him now. Les say you agreed on one month. after the month ends just keep in ignoring him. If that is not working and its getting to a stalker level that's a whole different story.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Aww this really sucks and I understand being in this kind of situation. The problem is, when you are with a bad person for a long time, you start to even get attached to the BAD things they do because it sort of makes you share a common bond. It's like the same person who keeps hurting you is also the person you go to for comfort so it's a vicious trap.

    I think the best way to deal with this is to get outside support. I don't know your situation, but these kinds of relationships can often be very isolating. The first thing to do is to be honest about the relationship with people on the outside. They may think he is a good guy, but they need to know the truth. If you can talk to family and friends about it, that's a good place to start. If you don't have that kind of support, then even online groups can help.

    After a while, things will get worse and worse and you will get to the point where you just have to leave.
    Sometimes you can get used to the bad treatment, though, so watch out for that and give yourself a reality check on what is and is not acceptable behavior

    Just realize that you are not alone, it is NOT your fault, and lots of people get into these situations. I think you have a lot of potential to get out of the situation, because you are not in denial and are basically totally honest with yourself about what is going on.

    It can be very hard to imagine life without the person, but just remind yourself that the good version of them only exists in your head. He may try to get you to stay by promising to be better and even threatening various thing if you try to leave so focus on getting more financially stable and making a good plan for leaving with some outside support to help you stick to your guns.

    The thing is, you deserve a better life and you CAN be happy if you get out of this situation.

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    • It's more the gaslighting that hurts (being nice and then the bad). He also said once he would kill himself if I left him when we had a really terrible fight a year ago or so.

      yup, he was really great when at the start of the relationship and when I was in the hospital. My mother knows about it all and my best friend, but i still got to do this myself. My mother already said she would come to help when i breakup (she agreas with me breaking up). Still i need to do it myself.

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What Guys Said 16

  • this just happened to me and a year ago I made the split. you need to be honest and up front. make sure you have a bank account only you can get at, start saving for a new place and when you have the cash find a place then just move out.
    I always found saying the words "it's over" to be the hard part. everything else is a new experience so it seem weird at first but you will feel better as you move along

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    • The house is on my name and even though we lived together we weren't married or have a joint bankaccount. When i break up with him he will need to move out.

      Yes that is the part where I can't get to.

  • It's not easy, your long-term relationship is a huge part of who you are. Being with him is 'easier' than being without him.

    Breaking up, especially when you live together, is a very difficult and stressful process. Delaying it, is just procrastinating. You can't change him, he doesn't sound right for you or respect you or your feelings.

    I've had a friend (female) in a similar situation and she stayed in her relationship until she found someone to replace him with.

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  • Wow!
    Hey we've all been there. The old song is true..."Breaking up is Hard to do"!
    You have feelings for him.. That makes it hard, and you are putting his feelings before yours, ie you don't want to hurt him. However I would say put your big girl panties on... An either you both work, and talk, out these things or YOU HAVE TO CUT HIM LOOSE! It's more dangerous to string things along if you don't want to be there. Imagine going along with things for another 3-4years, then telling him you realized 3 - 4 years ago that you no longer wanted the relationship... Now you are gonna get anger as a result of hurt.
    You can't change the fact that he's gonna be hurt, so you have to know that you are hurting now and it will continue until SOMETHING CHANGES..
    I pray you the best...

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  • It's never easy breaking up with someone you love... sometimes we just have a hard time letting go.

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  • Is it maybe because your scared for a change? Have to expect to continue to have feelings for him afterwards. At what point were you unable to finish it? was he trying to convince you not to? Because you feel bad kicking him out of your place?

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  • Just ghost him, far easier.

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    • How do I ghost someone who I'm living with? :P

    • Well, he can't be there 24/7/365. Just pack up and go when he's not there.

  • Just have a stiff drink and tell him. Don't try to give him reasons, just tell him the relationship isn't working and you're moving on.

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  • Just tell him you don't want to be with him anymore

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  • Fear I think, I've had same problem!

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  • in such circumstances be came and start yoga

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  • you need to move on, find someone else..

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  • fake your own death.

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  • Do like a lot of girls.. Allow him to catch you screwing his friends or close family members. That should get things rolling in the right direction.

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    • This is a horrible thing and I refuse to do that.

  • It's possible that you identify with the suffering in the relationship, the pain and the angst may make you feel alive in some way. It can also become addictive as well.

    How often do you complain about your bad relationship to others? (feeding the pain body).

    How often do you argue with him about something? (feeding the addiction)

    '' Ofcourse there is still love for him, but it the guy who I love is gone.''

    Above is not love, it is your ego associating the dependence you have on him and confusing it with love. Love is not something that can be destroyed, true love is not given or taken, it is always there. If you say you are no longer in love, then it was never love.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Deq_1lg9Dlo

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What Girls Said 2

  • Just leave and stop answering his calls. If it is done it's done. No, reason to be sticking around

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  • Wow he sounds terrible. To be honest you should've left him the second he cheated. Maybe get a friend to do it?

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