Why am I so sad after my breakup, when I broke up with him?

I'm 21 and he's 25. We were together about 2 years. Our relationship was never easy. He was always so unhealthy, narcissistic and passive and I tried to look past it because I was so blinded by my first love.

He dumped me after a year because I brought up these issues and he didn't want to work on them so he ghosted me. A month later he's dating his coworker but it only lasted a week. 3 months after that we get back together. I know it wasn't the smartest on my end, but being without him pained me so much that I felt I had to have him back and was hopeful he changed. At first everything was great and I saw hope but then he went back down the same emotionally abusive path and I made excuses for him again because I was so scared of getting hurt again from getting dumped.

8 months later, it worsens. The bad in him returned. He was always selfish and always told me he planned eventually moving to the opposite coast for his unrealistic career with or without me and refused a compromise. He is about to move 4 hours away in a month for school and I don't see it being easy considering we can barely get along now. This all hit me one day that I had to take a step back and realize I am settling for something I don't deserve. I'm staying because I am so comfortable and have learned to just deal with it.

So, I call him to break up. It was amicable and to my surprise he took it really well and was nice. He said great things about me and even said he didn't see himself dating again because he wants to dedicate his time to himself and that he felt he couldn't date again after me. I know it's for the best. I was in an empty, unhealthy relationship. We both want different things and I have learned to accept that it wouldn't work. I will always feel strongly for him because he was my first love and taught me so much. If I know it isn't meant to be and I'm free of this, shouldn't I be happy? Why am I so sad?

Why am I so sad after my breakup, when I broke up with him?
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