Anxiety ruined my relationship. Any tips on how to proceed, are welcome?

So I have a Reddit post about this. If you could read it and give me any comments, it would be highly appreciated!

www.reddit.com/.../?st=J4A1DO82&sh=08de86d3


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I had a quick look at the Reddit and GaG comments, they are quite good - (1) I think everyone agrees you should follow up on getting professional help, with mental health nearly always the main thing is not curing it but how to manage or cope with it (2) Give the guy some space to make a decision and if (a) He stays with you, try to explain what is going on in your head, arrange early warning signals for him to leave or for him to advise you to take a time out, tell him you are going for therapy (b) Do not apportion any blame, I was in a relationship with a girl who had issues and I had some myself, there is no guidebook that will help you through it and casting blame either on yourself or him (c) Try and dial it back in your own mind - The phrases "I am a monster" or "I am abusive" jump out at me, say to yourself "I know something is wrong and I am doing something about it (d) Probably most important try and meet each other halfway.
    Option 2: He wants to break up (a) Talk to family and friends (b) The flat ask him to be a roommate or help with rent till you can get someone else to move in
    Overall I don't want guess which way he will jump but I feel the most important thing is hang in there until you get professional help, it often feels like the biggest step forward getting help

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    • Yes, I will definitely seek professional help! I might even get an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, let's see. If my ex would still be with me, I'd ask him to come there as well. I already told him a week ago that I wish him to join me when I go to the therapy.

      We have tried several different thing like words that he says when he sees I'm going nuts, but it rarely worked. Last weekend we had a fight and he said that this is my last chance. I guess this was it, but I hope there's someone somewhere who will make it work.

      The thing is that he has said many bad things implying that I'm the worst person ever. I understand why he said such things.

      When I'm normal, we have a perfect relationship. This is why I don't want to give up.

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    • Thank you so much, once again. Your advice was highly appreciated!

    • Thanks for MHO and I hope everything works out if you ever want to talk just message me

What Guys Said 15

  • I dated and lived with a girl who had panic and anxiety issues. I didn't really see it until we moved in together and when I did, all I wanted to do was be there for her. She started seeing a therapist again because that was a requirement from me if she wanted me to stay. I don't believe in not taking care of yourself, especially your mental health. When her therapist recommended we do sessions as a couple, I did it because it takes two to make it work. Then, her therapist told her she had been misdiagnosed and actually was bi-polar. It explained so much and we were able to make a lot of progress as a couple, and her as an individual, and went on to have a great relationship. But then she suddenly stopped seeing a therapist and went off some of the meds and when she cheated on me, I was done. I still care about her and hope she is doing well, but it couldn't continue to work because she wouldn't continue to work on herself.

    I would say make a plan of action if you are going to stay with him. Ask him what he needs from you, tell him what you need from him, make a plan for your own mental health, and see what happens.

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    • I'm sorry to heat what happened even though you tried a lot for her.

      I REALLY WANT to see a therapist. I hopefully get there next week. I'd love to have him there with me, but I guess it's completely done so it's out of question. I also know that I need therapy for a long time, and also that I need to continue taking meds.

      I'm afraid I'm too late.

    • Don't look at it that way. You weren't too late for him, he just was too unready for you.

      Someone will love you past your flaws and help you through your struggle. There is a somebody for everybody. The part that trips people up is that they make the person they are dating the only possible candidate when it is a universal truth that we all date the wrong people before we meet the right one.

      Let him go on with his life you do what you need for yours. Your somebody will come and they will be there to help you through it every way.

    • The fact is that he was helping me a lot. In the beginning he was a nightmare cause he didn't understand that I didn't do things on purpose. Then he started helping me, until he lost his nerves and weren't able to deal with anything. It was my fault for bringing up the same shit 100 times.

  • I agree it's no one's fault, as oe of the Reddit people told you. Don't blame yourself in any way.

    You just went into this prematurely, that's all. But it was good to give it a try You learned a lot about how much intensity it takes to live together.

    Things will get better! People do recover from spells of panic attacks!

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    • The thing is that we're perfect to each other, but the fact that I'm a stupid retard who is not able to control her emotions and actions, ruined everything..

    • You have had some sort of trauma that induces these spells of lack of control. Again, don't blame yourself... he was't very understanding, either.

    • He has had to deal with my bullshit for months already! Last weekend we had a major fight and he said that this is my last chance to show I'm gonna change.. well you know what happened

  • its not your fault, but it isn't his fault either.
    Though I think he could be a bit more supportive.
    I have social anxiety and have had my fair share of depression for 4 years. That being said I think I can relate to how things change beyond control when you have an attack.
    I have tried something's which have helped me and also been a productive activity.
    no with your boyfriend, you need to apologize to him, though its not your fault, because he is not completely aware of how hard you are trying. And it doesn't hurt to take the knee if its gonna help save the relationship.
    Let me know if you'd be interested to know what helped me deal with it.
    I'd be happy to help.

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    • Amazing words! I'd love to hear what has helped you: all tips are welcome!

      I agree on you saying that it's not my fault nor his. I think that he should have supported me more, but I understand him that he can't since I have been a bitch.

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    • a heartfelt apology with consequent noticeable in changes are sure to help.

      provided that you are expecting this to be a long term thing

    • Yeah well still, I have done that few times and then he always answers that he doesn't care, he wants to see me change.. I really hope this would be so easy that he'd listen to me when I apologise

  • The problem I keep seeing with people having panic attacks and anxiety is pushing the responsibility away.

    You say in that reddit post "I am not myself" - you are. It is a part of you. Take a stance to it. Else you will not move forward in life.

    Anxiety and panic are both results of being unable to handle certain situations / emotions. But reality is - those situations will keep coming up. So in order to overcome them - you need to become stronger as a person.

    If you find excuses rather than taking responsibility - you are directly sabotaging yourself and preventing yourself from becoming stronger.

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    • The thing what you said was very good. I've heard from him too that I should take responsibility of my own actions. I know I need to become stronger as a person, and that's one of the things I need to talk about in the therapy. Also, I've heard him saying the thing that I just always find excuses.

      How would you say I would need to take responsibility?

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    • Maybe she just gave up because of her moms propaganda?

    • it was HIM-i remember her as a strong girl-she just had a habit of picking the wrong assciations. it's funny-we had this kinda conversation once when she offered to find my brotheri flatly turned her down-it was far too dangerous.

  • That sounds like duel personality disorder and disorder meaning if your not yourself in a bad way cause dual personality would be an ability if it brought a more wise person out of u who wouldn't say things the way your explaining. He either has to learn to walk away when you get like that or someone else who can handle it or be able to get out of the situation and always come back when your done with the episode.

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    • Yeah I've been thinking if I have somekinda of a personality disorder, cause it's kinda far-fetched that my anxiety would cause all this.

      I still love him a lot, but I've started to think if he's the right person for me. He's short-tempered and expects results immediately, and I can't do that..

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    • I don't have a high enough xper whatever that means. I just joined yesterday

    • Oh okay. I guess this is okay thenπŸ™‚

  • I have the same problem. I have got SAD (social anxiety) my hands start shaking when i am around new people and i get nervous. I am having a treatment over it now and it's helping me. and also i am doing some meditation also. may be it will help you also.

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    • I'm actually on meds as well (the meds contain serotonine). I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions on meditation techniques? I haven't ever done it before

    • There are some apps available for cellphones which gives details about meditation. The main reason of this problem is over thinking. once you get control over your emotions then your problem will be solved automatically.

    • Yeah I agree with you. Do you have any specific apps in mind?

  • Find someone else who can handle you?

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    • The thing is that I'm a monster when I'm anxious. That's not what I want to be!! I know I could be happy with him once my anxiety would be in control..

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    • Yeah I have to..

    • Good girl πŸ˜‚

  • Well, first, you need to ensure that you will get help. Secondly, prepare to break the lease. Hopefully, it's not too expensive. If you cannot, can you two live together for the 11 months? The relationship is not going to work.

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    • It's a rent flat from a company, and it can't be cancelled. I would like to try once more, but I bet that he doesn't.

      And yes, I have an appointment with my work GP, who'll send me to a psychiatrist.

    • Then, you're going to need prepare to live with him as friends.

    • Yeah.. I'm not gonna live there anymore, I'd rather stay with my family.

  • Tell us a little more about the symptoms of your anxiety.

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    • So when I start feeling anxious, I say and do things I'd never say or do. I'm abusive and jealous. I'd never be violent, but I'm verbally abusive. After I've done the bad things, I realise what I've done. I can't stop it before it happens. Sometimes I can, but very rarely.

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    • I've suffered from anxiety disorder before. I can partially understand what you're going through. It can get better, it's not a disease.

      You have two problems at hand now. One if your boyfriend leaving you. Another is your anxiety. The logical path to take now is to settle yourself first. But you must be willing to loosen your grip on this guy slowly, and let it go for this time round. There are lots of guys out there with similar problems as you. If the guy suffered from anxiety before, it will be much easier for the both of you to stay together. Otherwise, you'll have to look for one who at least tries to understand anxiety disorder and give in to you.

    • Yeah this is what I've thought. My ex partly understands me, but thinks I'm not even trying to get better. It might be good to have a so who'll understand the struggle no matter what

  • i think you should indeed get some help..
    it does make miracles.

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    • Yeah I hope I get to a therapy next week

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    • also you know I thought about after reading your reddit.. when one has a relationship it is not all like roses. there are hard times and both parties need to work things out. i wish life was sweet and and perfect.

      message me if you want to talk or something still newbie level 1 :)

    • Yeah I know.. I just wish he would have tried more

  • stop wasting urself. now the ball is in his court. but still I bet u dont need any therapist to change. just dont be insecure. u can do it.

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    • I think I do need therapy. I don't even know why I am insecure.

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    • I'll try, thank you!!

    • lol no trying belive it and just do it

  • do u sleep good at night

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    • I do, very well. Not anymore.

  • he's jerk don't spoil your time

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  • welcome to the club

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  • Do you reach me

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    • What do you mean?

    • New member give me send a message thank you

What Girls Said 1

  • Ok I'm 30 and have had an anxiety disorder for many many years. Jealousy and abuse are different issues. You may have anxiety about other women, but it's not part of a panic attack to be jealous, abusive, or distrusting about if your partner is faithful or not. I'm sorry, but it's not. Some irritability maybe, but not like that.

    That's something much different like self esteem issues etc maybe you really don't trust him or there are other relationship issues that is causing constantly arguing. The relationship could be a big source of your anxiety if you are always fighting, but to say, "Because I'm having a panic attack I become jealous," is not correct. I was like that in a couple of past relationships and tried to blame other things, but at the end of the day it was simply because I didn't trust them.

    I fully trust the man I'm with now and have no issues whatsoever like this. Sure there is some level of mild jealousy people get in certain situations, but being controlling jealous is not healthy or normal for anyone.

    You also need to make sure you are seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist not a nurse because they are not doctors and their education level reflects that. You need to go to a doctor that has attended medical school and done his residency to appropriately diagnose you and get the appropriate treatment.

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    • I also think it's probably much better for you to be single for awhile so that you can work on your issues. Being in the state you are in, makes it very difficult to have a stable fulfilling relationship and I am saying this from experience. Your partner can't fix this only you can

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