How to stop loving someone who isn't good for you?

so this is kind of a long story, but I'll just try and explain the jist of it, because I feel like I really just need some support right now

I was with this guy for about a year. I kept thinking we were really in love (but now I feel like it was more of a love-hate thing) , but for some reason I kept a wall up the whole time I was with him. A part of me felt like I just couldn't be my true self around him, and I felt like I was lying to him.

Basically, I had heard some things about him from mutual friends about an incident that happened with him and his ex-girlfriend. He was awful to her (stuff I'd rather not say, because it was demeaning)

But I couldn't help that I loved him so much. I mean anyone whose been in love knows what I mean. I never told him that I knew about all the awful things I had heard about him, just because I was scared of him getting angry. But not saying anything also made me feel like a liar. He also dealt with a addictions (mainly alcohol) and this took a strain on the relationship even though he tried to stop multiple times

Long story short, I figured I couldn't trust him and that I had been ignoring my instincts that were telling me that I shouldn't have been with him so I broke up with him. We didn't really talk after that

Now he's with someone else, and they seem happy (at least that what it looks like on social media) and I can't help but think I made a mistake. I never realized how bad this would feel because I still love him.

****But basically, if any of you have experienced loving someone who was wrong for you, I could really use some support/advice on how to move on/deal with these feelings, and I'd appreciate if there was no judgement. thanks


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Girl i know exactly what you mean. i've recently come out of a relationship that wasn't healthy either. now after a while (like 3 months after the break up) it became fully clear to me as to how much of a mind games she played on me. she used my depression against her. i was there for her and got her back on her feet (sort of) and yet she left me hanging. the moment she felt strong enough again as to continue her life she ditched me.

    (but i guess that's not what we are talking about)
    in the relationship i had that little voice in the back of my head aswell that was simply yelling and screaming at me "she's just using her".
    i for one did not have a "friend" that told me how she really was.
    but i guess i was blind as to read her moms face when i met her.
    thinking back they clearly read "ur gone before u know it" aswell as she simply didn't really pay attention to me.

    somewhere i "think" i still love her tough, but at another point i also think "it's better this way". SO the best thing we both can do is delete these persons out of our lifes. toss their numbers foto's social info etc away and keep on living. one day we will walk against the right person ;D!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Lol was in a pretty similar situation. I finally got the strength to break up with my ex about a year ago, and we dated for about a year, but I loved him for four.

    I knew early on he could be a problem, but I couldn't help falling for him. He was very clingy, too controlling, rude, disrespectful, was a player and had no future goals. Right after I broke up with him he found someone new. I was heartbroken and thought I made a mistake too. You just have to remember why they are trying to look happy. They have problems. Your ex was an alcoholic, my ex was just a mix of different things. I've learned eventually that the people who are trying the hardest to look happy (they post happy pictures or really attractive pictures) have the most problems. That's just how I see it.

    I am completely over my ex now. He has had five girls or something since we broke up. It was really hard to stop, but I'm so much happier now. In stead of thinking "oh god it's gonna take a long time before I find anyone else", I think "oh great, more time for me", and the love game is put on hold.

    You will know for sure eventually what he really is for you. Take your time getting over it. You are going to need it. Just think over all the things that were toxic, and talk. to. friends or people you trust. That helped me more than anything, seriously.

    Good luck to you!

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    • thank you so much! just reading your situation made me realize how similar mine was, and brought up some feelings i know i need to deal with to heal! thank u for sharing this, i needed this <3

    • hey no problem!!

What Guys Said 22

  • Clearly he had issues the made you not trust him, so you did the right thing in breaking up.

    Delete yourself from his social media. Who knows what the truth is with his relationships now.. people often try to impress their friends with false information You have your own life to live, and you shouldn't be following him around and obsessing about his happiness...

    Move forward now that you are free, do some things that single people can do--travel, take a course in something that will take your attention away from the past...

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    • thank you for the reassurance. I've been basically pre-occupying my time with just going out with friends, and with school but it's still difficult sometimes because I still run into him every now and again

      definitely going to block him/unfollow him on everything

    • Sounds good. I gather you are new here. Welcome to Girls-Guys! Where are you from?

  • You made a good call. If the relationship was tough it would have only gotten more difficult. Find a guy you connect with but expect that any relationship will have trouble and arguments but if you find the right guy it will be worth it! And don't look to the past and what ifs... What if's will eat you alive!!! just take a car accident or ticket for example, what if slowed down sooner, what if I noticed the sign , what if i saw the cop car, what if i was not on my cellphone. Learn from the past and look to the future

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  • I ws in a relationship for 2yrs, from the beginning I ws aware that she ws trying to cheat me, I ws giving her chances over nd over, but I kw the truth that one day I Have To MOVE ON. I kw it's really hard to leave sm1 behind.

    But it's ur life, u r the only priority for you. If you are not able to take good decision for you, then people will treat you the baddest.

    Give them chance only once, if a person can break you trust ones never think that he/she will not do it again.

    God bless you!

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    • thank you. i'm sorry to hear that happened to you. i realize this is a very common feeling, I just recently experienced it for the first time, and I don't know how to handle the flood of emotions that well i guess, but again thank you!

    • That's totally cool! We are Humans we are here to help each other. I guess thats life.

      According to me you should hangout, go for movies or anything you want. But stop listening love songs nd thinking about your ex.

      I kw it's easy to say hard to do.
      It's my 3rd week of break-up.
      Totally understand your feelings. :(

  • First, follow him on all social media or you'll never get over him. If he got over quick then he really didn't feel the same. You should go find someone too because he sounds like he isn't the guy to "love". Just do your thing and get out there.

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  • Oh c'mon he's gone
    And trust is important in any relationship so just forget him
    And instead of stalking his social media you should find yourself a new guy

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  • Cut them off completely

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  • You nead time to heal by trying things to better who you are

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  • Ok i can say for experience. The best thing to do. Is. 1. Hang out with. Friends as much as you can and. Try having. Fun n by that i dont mean partying. 2. Focus. On yourself 3. Accpeted that its normal. 4. Start. Dating agin when you feel your ready and give it time. Time heals all wounds

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  • that's a tough one. you should have confronted him with the issue right away. however lots of guys out there never wrong to go with your gut.

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  • Keep your mind occupied. Go out with friends

    Also, "cold cut" helps (loose email, phone, unfriend him on FB, etc.)

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  • loving someone is not a light switch it is a dimmer switch you have to start the process but it is a love road to not having those feelings anymore just cut them out of your life and slowly flirt with other guys don't jump into a new relationship it will heal nothing

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  • Play this : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5xTReubUro
    Right-click -> Loop

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  • Tag.

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  • Haven't read the whole paragraph, from the caption I suggest you to find the right one who will love you more than the present one. u will surely forget the wrong person.

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  • You just move on. Its life, things happen, you get over it and move on.

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  • you flip the switch, easy
    never had a problem with loving anyone tbh

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  • When you find that out let me know

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  • think about the reason why u left him everytime u feel wrong

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  • I cry, when will it end?

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  • Lose his number, email, anything that gives you pause to second guess breaking up. Move on. You'll be happier than wondering who's he with, what's he doing, and how's he getting on.

    Seriously, sooner you start living for you and not digging up your past, you'll be rid of that baggage and drama. You're next relationship will be better off than hashing it out with another potential date.

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  • stop being so shallow. attractive guys break ur heart.

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  • cut off any kind of contact and you'll realize that life will go on

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What Girls Said 9

  • "I figured I couldn't trust him and that I had been ignoring my instincts that were telling me that I shouldn't have been with him so I broke up with him." You did what felt right, don't ever regret that. As far as social media, don't even sweat it people are always lying on there about how awesome their relationship is at first. Don't get me wrong, it is pretty relaxed a first, but months in the claws come out and they show their true colors. And even then, they're still lying on social media about how "perfect" their relationship is.

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    • this is true! and i feel like everyone knows that people exaggerate/lie on social media, but I guess it was just hard for me to see that he had moved on with someone else

      I feel like i sound so immature right now, but it made me feel inadequate that I couldn't make him happy. but thank you for reminding me, sometimes I feel like I need it

  • I was in an abusive relationship for a year and we were going through the cycle of me running back to him over and over. Just cut him out of your life little by little. Like unfollowing him on things, deleting pictures of you guys together, old messages, stuff like that. When I did that I stopped caring for him. Now I'm with my current boyfriend and we've been together for a year and a half, things will eventually feel better for you, you'll find someone new and this guy will feel irrelevant to you. It just takes time.

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  • if you really want to continue as friends, then go for it. personally, i just tried to not think about them. it helps to have something that you can think about instead (for example, for me it was the exam week that was coming up. always stopped me from thinking about him from all the goddamn stress). try not to talk to him as much, but don't cut off all contact. surround yourself with people that care about you and can distract you, like your friends or family. eventually, you'll just stop thinking about him as much (at least, that's how it happened for me.)

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    • That's perfect I guess

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    • no worries girl, I totally get what you're saying. thank you for the advice. it's true i am different and I did learn something out of it, but it was just a super hard lesson that I didn't WANT to learn if that makes any sense. It's just been really difficult emotionally, because i've never been through something like this before. it hurts a lot, and i didn't expect it too

    • Just remember that eventually these feelings will pass, and even if he isn't there, you still have lots of family and friends that care about you ^^

  • it took me 8 mths after my 8 rs to finally come to terms that the man wasn't right for me. in that 8 mths, i went through what u did. like i made a mistake. cldnt stop loving him despite his major flaws. to be honest, i think it's really just attachment. i wouldn't call it love. i think the idea of separating from someone we thought we'll be forever with is what that makes us think we're more in love. so i think you gotta deal with detachment issues.

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  • Delete him from your life. Phone number, Instagram, Facebook, e-mails, kik, whatever. Block him and get a hobby because you want to stay busy so you don't call him. And if you do have the urge to call him or look to see what he's doing just stop and think about made you break up. Make a post it note around the house.

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  • cut him off, don't look at social media how is life is going and make yourself always clear why you did what you did and make clear what a person he is

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  • I'm really sorry, but I can't help. I did that too, and I'm still hurting. And the people that say it gets better with time are only partly right. Sometimes, I'm completely fine, and I hear the song he always sang to me and I just break down crying. Turns out he was just practicing to serenade his now girlfriend, and was using me. He used me for his homework, tests, and friendship. And yet, whenever I see a picture of him, a small part of me still loves him.

    I hope it turns out well for you :) All the best <3

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  • I think you should better consider on the things which reminds you that he is not good for you because if you keep thinking about the things which attractes you towards him you will never be able to forget him so it is better for you to think about more about those things which remindes you that yeah! He is fucking mad :-p

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  • cut all the communication going

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