Why was he sure about marrying the first two women in his life and not me?

I have been dating a man in his 40's for 3 1/2 years. I am the third women he has ever been involved with. The first was his high school girlfriend who he proposed to, she agreed and then broke it off. I knew them then, she was demanding and bossy and told him he had to lose weight or she wouldn't go to the prom with him. He didn't tell her off, he lost the weight. He said as a young man he always knew he wanted to get married and have kids. So I feel like that was his goal as a young man. His next girlfriend... he married after several years of dating. I knew her also. He told me of their marriage how she was neglectful, showed no emotion, used sex as a bone to get him to do things she wanted him to do. He took care of the kids, the house, paperwork everything. She cheated on him, stopped paying the mortgage on their house (2 years before he found out she was cheating) and he lost everything and they divorced.
We started dating two years after the divorce and he was still emotional, depressed and was never sure about us. He would say he didn't want to get hurt again, everyone leaves him, he destroys everything... after two years he finally got on anti-depressants and realized he did indeed love me. That he has never been treated so well. He doesn't deserve me (he has low self esteem). I could never get him into counseling. No he says he isn't sure he ever wants to marry me and has to let me go. He said he was sure about the first two? I say he is a different man now and has a different outlook... he has his kids so he isn't in a rush, he has been hurt. But he says nope, he is looking for that feeling he had when he was young. We broke up. I am hurt and confused. We are older, he should be happy he found someone who is so nice to him and loves him. Does he just like to be treated badly? Was my expecting him to make decisions once in awhile too much? Why were they good enough and I'm not, when I treat him like a king and have been so patient.
Ex texted me 2 days ago asking How are you? I replied after a few hours "hanging in there how are you?". He said "shitty." I asked "Because of your son? he said "Yes, and other stuff... im just checking in with you" I replied "Oh, let me know if you need anything." His reply, "You are ok though?" I told him well I was as ok as I could be, that I have no choice but to get back up and land on my feet... He said "He was worthless, less that than, nothing to be proud of and all that mattered. WTF?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Because he realized the first two were fuck ups and does not want to make the same mistake.

    you see unlike women who always (99%) get the kids and half the shit

    men lose half the shit and what ever kids. its why less and less are marring. or having kids. Because it fucks us over far more than you if it goes south.

    • he has his kids 50% of the time, gets child support from the ex because she makes more. He did lose his house but in my opinion he should have known that his wife wasn't making the mortgage statement when he was seeing paperwork in the mail to that affect. He would ask, she would like and he would trust her. I think he likes to be treated the way he feels about him self which is worthless. He has always had low self-esteem, his exes then tromped on him. I have been trying to build him up... trust me if he married me or moved in with me his life style would improve dramatically.

Most Helpful Girl

  • You're expecting too much. He doesn't want commitment anymore and sadly feels his life was a joke. He made his choice, and now he's reaping what he sowed. Marriage is very tough. And I understand his pain from the divorce. But he has to be responsible for his choices. Sadly those who had premarital sex and never waited for it til marriage are at higher risk for divorce. See, the thing is he knew how his ex's were BEFORE he got married to them. He can't blame his ex's. He needs to blame himself for knowing. Now he just wants sex without full commitment. Please stop assuming something is wrong with you. It's him, not you. He chose to marry who he married and dated who he dated. He has to live with it.

    • I agree he is embarrassed with his life and how it has played out. I don't understand why is esteem and self-worth is so low. He can't even have sex... and I want it everyday so I don't know if that plays into it. He has said he misses me, is miserable and must wonder about me because he asks how I am doing. My thought is he regretting his decision? Or in that stage of needing me to stroke his ego like I have done all these years. I hate that he is hurting but if you think your life is not what you thought it should be wouldn't you work hard, fight, pull yourself up by the boot straps, dust yourself off and keep trying?

    • Show All
    • Yes I have been married before and divorced. I was abused fro 17 years, spent 2 years in private counseling and counseling at the local domestic violence resource center. I lost 50% of my retirement (150K) and got stuck with 20K in credit card debt that I wasn't aware my husband had racked up. This isn't about premarital sex. I am 47. He does blame his exes'... its always someone else's fault. I do not blame my ex, I am irritated that it ended this way but I was abused as a child and had no idea that I was being treated wrong until I got MUCH older. He can't even have sex... his ED is so bad...

    • The thing is he is not you. So if you want to remarry then you need to find somebody who wants to marry you as a divorcee. Everybody doesn't experience life the same way. Now the thing is if you were a virgin when you got married, then it was just best that got out of that situation. Now if you were not, then you were blinded by your sexual choices otherwise, those red flags about his behavior would warn you about not dating him further. Other than that, in this guy's situation, this is a psychological issue because of his sexual choices. ED is psychological. So you're wasting your time with him. Let him take care of his kids and him. You have to make your own choices that doesn't include him in your life.

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What Guys Said 1

  • first off stop trying to make it all about you lmao if his first 2 didn't go right wouldn't it make sense to be more careful the 3rd time around?

    • Of course it makes sense. My point is more that he was treated badly by the first two yet he was so sure about them and I treat him so well... by his own admission and he is hesitant. Makes me think he prefers to be bossed around by women. That's my point. I am trying to figure out if he just prefers to be treated disrespectfully and feels like he doesn't deserve to be treated well.

What Girls Said 2

  • Wouldn't you be reluctant, scared, hesitant if it didn't work out twice before?

    Wouldn't you think shit what if it happens again?

    • He has a hell of a lot to lose and it's freaking scary.

      Why did my you just date and be in a relationship, committed happy for the rest of your life instead of the silly paperwork? Shoe him he doesn't need that to keep you and for you to love him. Make him feel safe and secure!!

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    • I gave it 4 years and I was miserable more than I was happy with him. I tried everything and nothing worked. I waited. I treated him so well. I forgave him and kept going back to him. But in the end I deserved to be happy and wanted to be happy. So I had to walk away.

    • In reply to your update...

      It's manipulation darling he doesn't want you but doesn't want to let you go!

      I've been there still there

      You have to be strong and know what he's doing and know that he's telling you that he does not want to be with you and never will but he just wants to hold onto you for his own self gratification

      You have to leave get on with your life and cut ties

  • It's not you. Basically after how he was before he doesn't want to get married and go through it again which isn't against yoj


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